Tag Archives: Netflix

Movie Review: The Cobbler (Spoilers)

No, it isn't about pies.

No, it isn’t about pies.

Up until a week ago I had no idea this movie existed, but I saw it listed on Netflix, so I gave it a watch today. It stars Adam Sandler and Steve Buscemi. Have I ever mentioned how much I love Steve Buscemi?

Both of them make this movie great. I think it would work by itself with other actors, but because it was them, especially with their background and chemistry with one another, they made it that much better.

Supporting them, amongst many others who all did great jobs in the movie, were Method Man, the beautiful Dascha Polanco (Orange Is The New Black), Adam’s nephew Jared Sandler, and legend Dustin Hoffman.

I think Method Man should be commended for his acting in this movie. Not only did he have to play an ultra ghetto street shark who made his money illegitimately, he also had to play the complete opposite. To explain:
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Netflix Sucks

I want to be one of the regular customers on the next Netflix commercial. Under me they’ll put my name and how long I’ve been a member. It’ll look like this:

Beefy Booyawn
Netflix Member For 7 Months
Non-Netflix Member for 7 Days

“Why is that, Beefy?” you’re now collectively asking me in unison. Because, my friends, Netflix doesn’t like making money.

“Holy shit!” I imagine your collective response to be, again in unison.

Can you imagine a world where one of the worst recessions in the history of man made money is going on, businesses left and right are shutting their doors for good, car manufacturers are going out of business, people are being laid off and fired all over the place, others are losing their homes because they can’t afford to pay on them anymore, yet there is one company willing to stand up against this recession and they will say “FUCK YOU!” to anybody who says in order to be profitable you actually have to bring in money, because they are doing it the old fashioned way. They are DENYING money from customers.

I know, it sounds like a tale of heroics, but in all reality, it’s just dumb. Really, what company says they don’t want to make money? That is literally what Netflix told me.

Up until recently I’ve been unemployed. I used to pay my Netflix with my unemployment card, because it was the only actual bank debit card we had in the house. Now that I’m no longer unemployed, I don’t have any money on that card, so my Netflix payment didn’t go through. Naturally my service stopped.

The other day I logged on to the site and tried using my income tax refund debit card and Netflix wouldn’t take it because it was a prepaid card. I figured that it had to do with the fact that the card in question doesn’t even have my name on it. It’s not a real bank issued debit card, even though it is issued by a bank.

So a couple of days go by and I finally got my first pay check from my new job and I cashed it and loaded it on my Walmart prepaid debit card that I have, which actually has my name and a MasterCard logo on it. It’s also bank issued.

I tried a couple of hours ago to pay my Netflix bill with that card and they declined it, saying again that they do not take prepaid cards.

That’s amazing to me. I can’t believe that a company doesn’t want to take money. I understand that they only want to automatically charge your card every month for service, so that it’s fluid and they are almost guaranteed to get their money each month, no problem. And if a person signs up with a prepaid card, there’s a good chance that the money won’t be on there every month and this current issue arises.

However, this current situation can happen with any card. Obviously. The bank issued card that I WAS using for my account, that they DID accept, ran out of money on it and my bill wasn’t paid.

Do you see the irony there? Of course you do.

And now the biggest problem is, I CAN’T load money onto the debit card that was issued to me by my State’s unemployment agency. That card is to only be loaded by them. I am only allowed to withdraw, not deposit. You see? But with that Walmart prepaid card, I CAN load money onto it whenever I want.

In an ironic twist of events, their own policy just fucked them out of making more money. You know what the best part about all of this is? I’m a nobody loser (soon to be NY Times Best Selling Author nobody loser) who just found a legit flaw in the system of a major corporation. They should be giving me free service for that kind of in-depth detective work.

Instead I had to take the big sacrifice. I had to actually lose my service while trying to pay for it twice, in order to find this out.

But that’s okay, because the video store up the road from me that I used happily for ten years before joining Netflix, takes prepaid cards. Because THEY like making money. What business doesn’t?

I know Netflix doesn’t care. They’re not going to go bankrupt without my money. They probably gained more customers in this last week than they’ve lost. But to me, this is a victory. And that, my friends, is all that matters.

Movie Review: The Slaughter (Spoilers)

Lately I’ve been looking up on a new favorite actress of mine. Mostly because she’s hot. She’s on the hot-chicks-I’d-totally-bang-hard list.

I first saw her in the zombie flick Zombie Strippers where she played a hardcore army chick who kicks ass.

Then, to keep you from all of the bullshit detail, I found another movie that she was in on Netflix called The Slaughter.

The movie starts with a bunch of hot chicks chanting about this demon chick Ctulha. Then they get naked and offer a very gratuitous amount of boobs. Nice boobs. Then they all begin stabbing something, they never show you what, and they get all covered in blood. Cool.

Then the demon Ctulha rises from the ground and she’s all kinds of hot but she looks like she got smacked in the face with an ugly stick, of dynamite. Then she looks at the leader of the group and…

The leader of the group wakes up in bed. It was a nightmare, apparently. She goes to check on her daughter, who is still asleep. Then she goes downstairs and talks to her husband on the phone. She has a hot accent. She sees blood dripping from the ceiling and runs upstairs to find her daughter has been mutilated by an ax. Awesome.

She gets so terrified she runs down the hall and gets tripped up by ghostly hands that are reaching up from the floor. This throws her over the balcony where she falls from the second floor to the first, getting impaled on a coat rack. It was ironic for me because she totally ran into the coat rack when she first went downstairs and it scared her. So instead of just walking around it she moved it aside. I thought then that it was probably going to come into play later and SURPRISE! It did.

Fast forward 40 years and a bunch of college aged kids are heading there to clean it up so some rich asshole dude can sell it. Then they all get murdered. It’s pretty awesome.

Laura Bach, although I’m not sure what her real name is, is credited in this movie as Laura Stein. Could be Laura Steinbach, which would make sense, but I don’t know. However, in this movie she plays Heather and she’s a whore. Makes sense to me. All girls named Heather are whores. Folks, if you want to assure your daughter grows up to be a whore, name her Heather. I’m positive on this.

Anyway, this Heather chick is hot because she’s Laura Bach. Here’s a view of her after she’s dead and possessed by Ctulha.

By the end of the movie you get to view Ctulha not dead and ugly, but living and hot. She’s played by the gorgeous Adriana Esquivel, who now joins Rogue and Laura Bach on the hot-chicks-I’d-totally-bang-hard list.

One of the characters in the movie is a stoner who is well written and acted. He’s funny as hell and his death is very sick and well done.

There’s also this pussy asshole dude who’s death is cheesy, but very imaginative and gross. Plus, he gets to nail Laura Bach in the movie in a sex scene that is, at the very most, decent, but could have been better. Apparently Laura Bach doesn’t do nude scenes. In this movie, you do get a ton of side boob shots, but no full on shots, and you do get a couple of good ass shots. Still, it’s cool to see some skin on this babe.

When it comes down to the final two living folks, they have a pretty decent banter that is pretty comical. It goes a little something like this.

Dana: I think we lost them. Where’s Alexandria?
Iggy: They ate her!
Dana: So we’re the only ones left?
Iggy: It’s just you and me. Two mere mortals against evil unknown fighting the preternatural powers of a hell spawn succubus!
Dana: FUCK HER! Fuck her and the forces of darkness that created her! Fucking she-bitch from hell. Hateful, evil, murderous bitch with no friends and bad skin! We can DO THIS! What do we have?
Iggy: For what?
Dana: Like, weapons to fight off the supernatural forces of darkness.
Iggy: Nothing.
Dana: Something holy?
Iggy: Nope.
Dana: Spells? Incantations?
Iggy: Bupkis.
Dana: Protective amulets?
Iggy: Negatory.
Dana: There’s gotta be some type of magic charm to command the evil.
Iggy: I don’t know, man.
Iggy: That just sounds gay.
Dana: There’s gotta be something. ANYTHING.
Iggy: We got nothing, man. NOTHING.
Dana: And that is the best weapon we have.
Iggy: Wait wait wait, nothing is something?
Dana: A big something.
Iggy: Then we don’t have nothing.
Dana: No.
Iggy: We have something.
Dana: Nothing.
Iggy: I’m confused.

This conversation goes on and is enjoyable all the way through. A lot of parts of this movie are that way, but then again there are some really badly written parts. There’s also some bad editing and directing, but much like the writing, there are also moments of brilliance in it.

On Netflix this movie has 2 1/2 stars and I felt overall it should have had, the way it is, at the very least 3 1/2 stars. It could have pulled in 4 or more if a little more TLC had gone into the editing and writing. But with the way it is, it’s a really good B-movie with some really good special effects both standard and CGI.

I recommend this movie for anybody who has a love for low budget horror flicks that are done very well. It has a decent creepiness factor as well as decent special effects and death scenes. Check it out.

Movie Review: Hunt To Kill

I just Netflix’d the movie Hunt To Kill starring “Stone Cold” Steve Austin.

This movie is pretty badass. It’s a movie that you would expect to be the type that it is, that would follow all of the same basic steps that it does, but it does it all pretty good, considering.

Austin plays this dude, Jim Rhodes, who is a border patrol officer who’s badass. His partner is murdered in front of him. All of the assholes who did it, die. Then he’s trying to spend some time with his bitch of a daughter who should be smacked around by her dad, but he loves her and just wants them to get along. She winds up doing some stupid shit that again, deserves an ass kicking, but she’s at the police station and he has to go pick her up.

Meanwhile, the bad guys steal $10 million and the main bad guy fucks over the other bad guys and runs off with the money, but they have a way of tracking him down so they go after him.

Their first stop is the police station, and they’re going to threaten the police guy with his life or some such shit if he don’t help them find their buddy with $10 million in the mountains of Montana, where the film takes place.

Austin shows up to get his daughter and runs into the bad guys. The bad guys take his daughter hostage and force him to help them since he knows the mountains and the woods.

The resulting movie turns into what you’d expect. He has to do what he can to help these bad guys so that they don’t kill him or his daughter, but then they piss him off so he goes ultra badass and kicks their asses.

The movie is acted well by everyone in it, it’s shot relatively well, except true to modern day action films most of the fight scenes were shot zoomed in to the max and right up everybody’s asses, so you have the hardest time trying to figure out what the hell is going on. And the worst part, besides the predictability, is the writing. The dialogue the characters share at too many parts in the movie is just horrible.

Austin delivers a couple of wrestling moves but not the stunner. He still kicks ass, but during one fight with this other ultra badass bad guy, he gets his ass kicked until he murders the dude with a horrible punch line to go with it.

Later, as he’s facing the new main bad guy in the epic showdown, he delivers the line that ruins the whole damn thing. I bet you can’t guess what it is.

Did you guess that it involves the name of the movie? If you did, you’d be correct.

Austin: When I hunt, I hunt to kill!

Never mind the part where he gets shot, falls down a very steep hillside, lands on hard rocks and slides into freezing water with blood spreading all over in the water as he goes under. He survives that and climbs back up the hill. Later he’s knocked down the side of a sheer rock cliff, sliding 50, 60 feet easily, lands on more hard rock, lays there for just a moment and gets back up, climbing back up the side of the cliff, not winded or hurt or anything. Of course he’s supposed to be badass, but he’s not Rambo and he’s most definitely not Bruce Willis. Let’s put a little more reality into it.

Austin’s natural charisma really didn’t come out much in the movie either. He’s a decent actor, and played that part well, but the part didn’t seem to be written for him at all. Aside from all of that, it was a decent movie, but it is very predictable. The one thing that made it worth watching overall though, were the deaths. He really kills them bastards pretty damn good. I will say though, that a sequel COULD be made and if one were considered, I bet I could write a much better movie than the asshole who wrote this one.

The movie deserves 3.5 stars, but I gave it a 4 on Netflix since they don’t do half stars. It would have got 3, but as I said, there were some pretty awesome deaths in it.

Bruce F’n Willis

I was going to write, and probably still will write, a blog about the Gods of the movies of today. But I couldn’t just put a small bit on this guy, he’s the top dog in a world of pups. Bruce Willis is a proven badass of every magnitude, can do no wrong, and he might just have the ability to change major things in peoples lives.

From his TV shows to his movies, interviews to public appearances, Walter Bruce Willis has become what many have tried to achieve in the past, a few have accomplished, but all bow to the man himself, Bruce Willis.

Never mind all of his greatness for just a moment, I’m going to target a special point in his life, the Die Hard series. Forget everything else. If he had never done anything other than these movies, he would still rank extremely high in the world of living legends.

Yesterday and today I decided to watch the first three. I had seen the first two many many years ago, but it has been awhile and I couldn’t really remember them completely, as I should, so I Netflixed them up and sat down with some beer to get in touch with my inner Willis.

The first two were just as I had remembered, absolutely awesome with many explosions and much death. Just my kind of movie. Add in all of the witty shit Willis says and you have the makings of a seizure inducing man-fest where we are force fed a dose of astounding badassness that the weak can’t survive.

I watched the third today for the first time ever and was so pumped at the end I blew up my house and several airplanes that were flying overhead with everyday household items I found laying around, just as John McClane would do.

I now have to wait for the most recent installment in this series to be delivered to me by the movie-monkeys inside Netflix’s warehouse. I hear it’s good, I can only imagine it would be because Bruce Willis is in it. That basically guarantees a hit. I don’t know why every movie doesn’t have Bruce Willis in it. Actually I do know, then there wouldn’t be any movie to be bad enough to make any of the others awesome. Because they’d all be awesome.

I could go off on all of the awesome actors who joined him in those first three movies, like Alan Rickman (Dogma, Quigley Down Under, Harry Potter 1-7, The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy), Samuel L. Jackson (Jackie Brown, Coming To America, Goodfellas, Juice, Jurassic Park, Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill Vol. 2, Snakes On A Plane, Iron Man 1-2, 1408), William Sadler (Tale’s From The Crypt: Demon Knight, The Shawshank Redemption, Bill And Ted’s Bogus Journey, The Green Mile), Bonnie Bedelia (Die Hard 1-2, Salem’s Lot, Needful Things), and quite a few others I just didn’t feel like listing.

I could also go off on all of his own awesome flicks, like Hudson Hawk, The Last Boyscout, Death Becomes Her, National Lampoon’s Loaded Weapon 1, Pulp Fiction (with buddy Samuel L. Jackson), Four Rooms, Twelve Monkeys, Beavis And Butt-head Do America, The Fifth Element, The Sixth Sense, Armageddon, The Whole Nine/Ten Yards, Unbreakable (again with SLJ), Ocean’s Twelve, Sin City, Grindhouse or The Expendables, but I won’t.

I will say this, Expendables 2 is slated for 2012 and… AND… Die Hard 24/7, shooting is to begin in 2011 and Willis would like to see a final, part 6 done before John McClane retires for good. That’s right, Die Hard Part 5, 24/7 should be out by next year.

WOOHOO! All of this is so exciting and Bruce Willis is the fucking man. And about what I said earlier, about how he might just have the ability to change major things in peoples lives… Bruce Willis is so awesome that I think if he were gay, I’d let him fuck me in the ass. I wouldn’t say that for just anybody. I wouldn’t even allow it to happen for just anybody. Bruce Willis, Samuel L. Jackson, Angus Young, and that should about do it.