Category Archives: Sports

The 2014 Bengals

The last game of the season has ended and the Bengals have lost to the Steelers for the second time this year. At least it wasn’t as disgusting a loss as the last one was. I don’t want to say “I told you so,” but holy shit. I spoke to a man this morning who asked if I was going to watch the game, and I said I was but I had my doubts. He said if I’m a Bengals fan I should back them.

That’s not the point here. I am a Bengals fan, sadly. I’m also a Dolphins fan, so as you can imagine, my life as a football fan is not a good one. But, I’m also realistic, and I’ve been saying it not just this entire season, but for quite a few now. If they don’t look like a good team, they don’t look like a good team. Numbers really don’t mean shit.

To prove that point, when the Bengals scored their second touchdown of the game tonight, cutting the Steelers lead to 20-17, Dalton’s passer rating was better than Roethlisberger’s. Say what? Dalton looked terrible for most of the game and Big Ben looked good. Not great, but better than Dalton. Better than the numbers showed.

To further prove it, the Bengals have been in first place of the division almost the entire season. Their division, by the way, is one that was the most competitive and tightly placed in all of football. Each of the four teams were contenders until the end, and only the Browns fell out of contention, while the other three teams are going to the playoffs.

What I find amazing, is not just that the Bengals were lucky enough to have a winning record this year or be in first place most of the season, because they really didn’t earn it. Only a couple of their victories were true victories. The rest were all fueled by cheap, dumb luck. No, what I really find amazing is that the rest of the division were all winning and were all fighting for the top spot, and they couldn’t get past the Bengals for much of the season.
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Tony Williams Is Not A Saint

If you didn’t see it on TV like I did, you may have at least heard by now about a New Orleans Saints fan, named Tony Williams, who stole a football being given to a woman Bengals fan by one of the Cincinnati Bengals, Jermaine Gresham, after he scored a touchdown.

The whole incident was caught on video as it happened. Jermaine ran to the stands and tossed the touchdown football to a woman who was wearing a Bengals jersey. Since the game was taking place in New Orleans, the Bengals fans stood out, especially the woman wearing the jersey, as she was quite a cutie.

Jermaine tossed the ball to her, but a giant Saints fan sitting right next to where she was standing stood up and snatched the football out of her hands, almost striking her in the face with an elbow. He was twice her size. He immediately sat down and placed the ball under his right arm, while a man sitting next to him, probably a buddy of his, seemed to laugh about the incident, as did a man sitting behind him.

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The 2014 Bengals – A Casual Perspective

I’m not an NFL analyst. I love football, but I have no reason to follow every team, and every player, and know the ins and outs of the game every year. I’m a regular fan. I can watch any game and enjoy the sport, and that’s about it.

I do follow the Bengals moderately, because they’re my city’s team. I also follow the Dolphins because I’ve been a fan of them since I was a kid. Still, I couldn’t tell you two players names on the Dolphins team, and I could probably only tell you a few more names than that on the Bengals team.

What I’ve noticed this year so far, for the Bengals, is that early on they were 3-0, and people were saying how they hadn’t played anybody good. They were also the last undefeated team in the NFL. Since then they had their by-week, then they lost, tied, and now they’re losing to the Colts, a very good team.

From a regular, general perspective, they’re not a good team. If there was anybody still on the fence as to whether or not they were any good, I think the answer is here. They are not.

Andy Dalton is a mediocre quarterback at best. Proof of that is when A.J. Green is taken away from him. He should be able to hit any target, no matter who or what that target is, and he cannot. He was impressive his first year, because it was his FIRST YEAR. Since then he hasn’t done anything to be impressive. Currently, if he were the QB he was supposed to be, he would be dominating the league. But he is not. When I heard the Bengals signed him to a huge contract, I was legitimately shocked.
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Delivery Tales: The Stunner

Exactly one week after I was given farm fresh eggs as a tip for delivering pizza, I was given a delivery back to Loveland, once again at 3:30 in the morning. Only this time I was going the farthest away from the store I have gone yet. The egg story delivery was only about ten minutes away from the store on regular roads. This particular delivery was twenty minutes away on the highway, yet once again I was traveling in an area I was unfamiliar with. And once again it was very dark and very rural.

Once I got to the street I needed, I discovered it was just barely paved and just barely wider than one lane. The houses were few and far between and once again this was farming country. My GPS told me I was at my location and I turned to see a very large house off in the distance, illuminated by several lights in the yard, pointing up at the house. It was so far away from the road that it was just barely lit and looked ghostly. To help the image, there was a large lake in front of the house, reflecting the lit up house in a wavy fashion. The driveway, which I could just barely see next to the house, went from the left side of the house, around the lake and up to where I was stopped in the road. Just before it met the road there was a huge metal gate standing wide open. Since I couldn’t see an address, I believed my GPS to be correct and I turned down the driveway.

I got to the house and didn’t see any lights on inside, and I didn’t want to wake anybody who might kill me dead, so I tried calling the number on the ticket. Since I was out in the middle of nowhere I had no reception, but someone answered and I could hear a party going on in the background. That made sense because I was delivering a large order to them, but because of the bad reception the call dropped and I couldn’t find out if I was at the right place or not.

I walked up to the front door, which took a few minutes from the driveway because the place was so large, and I started to knock on the door when I thought twice about being murdered there by some rich dude with a gun and an alibi, so I went back to my car and left the property. Besides, there was obviously no party going on there.

I made my way down the street and turned onto another street which was actually just me staying on the road I was on before. You know how those crazy country roads are. Just after I turned I saw a house up ahead with a ton of cars in the driveway and a ton of lights on in the house. I pulled up to the mailbox and saw the address.

Since the driveway was full of cars I had to park on the street. Since the street was just barely wider than one lane there was no shoulder for me to park on. And since the road was lightly traveled during it’s most heavily traveled, I knew it was safe for me to park my car right there in the middle of the road, so that’s what I did.

Once I got out of my car I had about an acre to walk up the drive before I got to the house, but I could hear the party inside from where I parked. I made my way up the drive carefully, as there was just enough light outside to keep you from believing you were in a cave and I made it to the front door, which was just barely cracked open.

I knocked loudly and the girl on the other side of the door opened it up. She smiled brightly when she saw me and invited me in.

I walked in, a little nervous and feeling out of place. I was in a rich persons house with a lot of rich kids. These were the pretty and popular kids of some rich parents who were most likely somewhere across the world at some five star resort having a mini vacation before their kids went back to school for the fall. And the kids were living it up before they had to go back. The girls there were all extremely hot and beautiful, and the guys were all really attractive as well, naturally. They were all extremely nice though and I enjoyed myself while I was there.

The girl lead me to the table in the dining room and had me sit the pizzas on the table while she went to find the guy who ordered.

This couple walks into the dining room. The guy, who was probably, maybe legal enough to drink, was at least six-foot-four and two-hundred-fifty pounds. Most likely a football player at some point in his life. The girl was dressed in a black dress, had her hair all dolled up and had makeup on. She had a drink in her hand and she was very energetic and loud. She walked right up to me and shook my hand then started talking her head off, telling me how she had cut her knee open earlier during the party. She showed me the cut by lifting her leg up and pointing to her knee, all the while showing me her crotch, as her dress was short and it came completely up when she lifted her leg.

Apparently, she had given some guy at the party the Stone Cold Stunner and cut herself on the rocks in the driveway. I didn’t get a chance to ask why she dropped to her knees when the Stunner is done by dropping to your butt. At any rate, she continued to talk to me and the other guy about how the WWE is coming to Cincinnati and how she’s got backstage tickets and can’t wait to meet the wrestlers again and how she had met them before and how much she loves wrestling… I was amazed. I had no idea hot, rich chicks loved wrestling. Who knew?

Anyway, once she got through all of that, while flexing her muscles and getting ultra pumped up about the WWE, she asked me what time I got off of work and if I wanted to come back to party hard with them all. Unfortunately I couldn’t because I had to pick up my wife from work once I left my job, but I totally wanted to go back to party. Oh, except that chances are good I would have been the oldest there and possibly the only legal one and had I gone back, the cops most definitely would have showed up and I would have been thrown in jail for supplying the alcohol to the minors, even though I hadn’t. I thanked her for the invite and said I’d think about it and left it at that.

Just then the guy with the money walks around the corner and before I realized who it was he said, “Hey! I don’t have any eggs for you this time!”

The first thing out of my mouth was, “Son of a bitch.”

We had a good time telling everyone around us about the eggs and me thinking I was going to die and they all laughed. When they all went their separate ways I turned to him and asked, “How is it I run into you in these crazy places?” He looked at me with all seriousness and replied, “Dude, I have no idea where I am right now.”

He then pulled out a stack of money from his pocket and began counting it, slowly. He then says, “I don’t have enough money.” I just shook my head. He left me to go find more people to get money from. I stood there and looked around at the other kids and realized I was too old to party there. I had become “that guy.” It was so fucking awesome that chick invited me to come back and party, but I know if I did it would have just been weird for them, and I don’t want to be that guy. I felt like the old alumni dude in “Varsity Blues” who gets hit in the nuts with the bat… too pathetic to give it up.

Finally he comes back, gives me the cash and I went back to the store with another interesting story to tell. Those were the only two times I have seen that guy so far. I guess he went back to school. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss him.

Crazy egg guy.

An interesting follow up to this story, he ordered one more time that I know of. It was the following Friday night at 3 AM. I didn’t get to take the order to him and I was super pissed about it. One of the girls I work with had to take it and I told her before hand that he might offer her eggs as a tip. She laughed and went on her way. I don’t think she believed me.

She had been gone about 40 minutes when she called the store and I answered. She told me she was just calling to let us know she was okay and that she had a crazy time on the delivery and she was on her way back. Just like the call I made to the boss on my first delivery to the guy. Man, I miss that guy.

WWE Raw 4/30/12

I didn’t notice too much that was interesting in this newest edition of Monday Night Raw, unless you count those things that were interesting for the wrong reasons.

For starters, they had a bit with Brock Lesnar “breaking” HHH’s arm. During the replay the announcers said “you can hear it pop”. I never heard it pop. But maybe they did hear it pop, even with those headphones they wear. In any case, unlikely. It’s just hype for Lesnar, or to put HHH out for a while. It’s probably his kid’s birthday or something.

And then there was a Time-Limit contest to see who would be the number one contender for the belt. Typically these can be interesting to watch, but not this time around. The premise is, the first match sets the time and the winner is up for the number one contender spot. The matches following it need to be won before the last time in order to count, and if they do finish before the last best time, the winner is then the number one contender unless someone else beats the time.

In the first match we had The Miz wrestle Santino which set a time of four minutes eighteen seconds. One of the two only really decent matches of the night, and even it was a mediocre spot fest.

The next match was Big Show versus Jericho. Nobody made mention of the fact that these guys were the dominating tag team just about a year ago or so and held the titles. Naturally the typical fan is supposed to just forget these little things.

This match had a horrible flaw at the end and the WWE did a horrible job covering it up. I may have watched this wrong, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t. Both of the wrestlers were outside the ring and the ref was in the middle of the ten count. Jericho jumped into the ring and the ref continued to count out Big Show. The qualifying time ended, ending the match. The horn sounded and it was over. The ref, on a count of eight, waved his hands around and called for the bell saying Jericho was the winner. The announcers mentioned that apparently, Jericho had won the match with a second left.

Never mind that the ref was only on a count of eight, and he reached it after the qualifying time was up.

When they came back from break, nobody said a thing about what happened, and The Miz was still the one with the best time. That ref should be fired, because he failed at his job.

The next match was a bullshit match that I fast forwarded through, between Kane and The Great Khali. Boring. The match didn’t end fast enough, so The Miz was still in charge.

The following match was Randy Orton versus Jack Swagger. Orton won the match with two seconds left and was the number one contender. This was the second decent match of the night.

The final match comes up and its Daniel Bryan, whom I can’t stand at all, versus a mystery opponent. Now, Daniel Bryan isn’t entertaining, nor is he enjoyable to watch perform. It has nothing to do with his status as a heel, nor does it have to do with his insanely horrible gimmick of screaming “YES!” over and over and over and over and over and over and over, it simply has to do with how uninteresting he is. Period. And for some unknown reason, the WWE feels the need to not only push this guy, but make him a champion. Up until recently he was the champion, and he’s nowhere near championship status.

But here he is again in line for a championship push. But I guess it all depends on who his opponent is, and if they can finish the match before the time is up.

His opponent, with all of the wrestlers they have in the back who don’t get to work on a regular basis, if ever, with all of the guys who deserve a shot at the title, turns out to be Jerry Lawler. Lawler, the Hall of Fame commentator, is his opponent. Not even a regular wrestler, and he’s almost retired. He’s a Hall of Famer for crying out loud.

Nothing against Lawler whatsoever, but it’s obvious this is going to be a job match where Lawler’s going to job to Bryan. And if he’s going to job to Bryan, Bryan’s going to have the best time and he’s going to be the number one contender. And I’ll be damned, I was right.

So now we have Daniel Bryan, who is not champion material, about to wrestle for the championship and will probably get it. Very interesting WWE, guess who doesn’t give much of a shit about your choices…

Other highlights of the evening include me fast forwarding through most everything else, including anything having to do with the WWE’s boring women’s division, anything involving the boring as fuck fat ass funk machine, whose name I will NEVER put to memory, anything involving The Great Khali, anything involving Lord Tensai, and anything involving R Truth.


Explain this shit to me. A couple weeks ago the tag champs, some guy and some other guy, wrestled a pair of wrestlers who beat them, but their belts weren’t on the line so they didn’t lose them. So last night when their belts WERE on the line, it wasn’t against those same wrestlers. Why is that?

Also, I didn’t mention the champs’ names because they’ve been pretty nonexistent for the last month or so and then all of a sudden they appear and they lose a match. And then, they lost again last night, losing their titles to none other than Kofi Kingston, a wrestler with a Jamaican name, Jamaican entrance song, and sporting gear covered in Jamaican colors and at one point was announced as coming from Jamaica but for some reason is now from Africa, yet he speaks with a perfect American accent, and R Truth, one guy I hate to watch wrestle.

So now, the Tag Team division continues to suck, because the WWE just paired up two wrestlers they have absolutely nothing for right now and gave them the tag titles. The chance that them holding the belts is going to reinvigorate the tag title scene is slim. Very slim. Basically, they just moved the belt around from nobodies occupying little to no TV time, to two other nobodies who will occupy just as much TV time. That’s why the belts changed hands on Raw instead of a PPV.

Finally, we end on a high note. And by “high note”, I mean “replay of things they constantly do”. Here’s something they constantly do. If a heel is in charge of one or both of the shows, the heel will, 100% of the time, put themselves in a match against one of the top face wrestlers at some point. Every heel GM has done this for, at the very least, the last ten years that I’ve been watching.

Last night was no different. John Cena found out his opponent at the next PPV will be John Laurinaitis, the current heel GM of both Raw and Smackdown. Great, something I don’t give a fuck to see. He announced this by jumping Cena and beating the hell out of him with hired help, Lord Tensai, who I’ve already announced my displeasure for.

I can’t help but yawn while I watch WWE product anymore. It’s all the same boring crap it’s been since the monopolizing of the wrestling industry by the power hungry McMahon family. Give me something new, or stop shoving your product down our throats. Do we really need that much WWE programming every month? Every week? I don’t think so. Not with as stale as it is.