What Happened, Burger King?

When I was growing up, up until I was a late teen, Burger King was the shit. I would always pick them over any other fast food burger joint, including McDonald’s. And then, sometime in the mid to late 90s, they decided they were going to change their fries. Everyone was pissed. Their new fries came out, and people were on the fence about them, but Burger King continued to be a pretty good place to eat.

I started to get used to the new fries, but I still wasn’t happy about them. I had no other choice though. If I was going to eat at Burger the King, I was just going to have to deal. But then, a couple years later, they decided they were going to change their fries yet again. And yet again, this pissed me off. It only showed to me that Burger King had no idea what they were doing.

And then the burgers started tasting bad. Too much of the flame broiled flavor was being added to the burgers and after eating one I’d be burping up flame broiled flavor for the next day or two. So, much like the rest of America, I stopped eating at Burger King.

Oh yeah, that’s totally a flavor added to their burgers. Don’t let them lie to you. Their burgers are sent to their restaurants frozen, pre-cooked, and they have those grilled lines on them added for the look, just like the flavor is added for the taste. Neither have anything to do with the actual cooking of the burgers.

I don’t know how well they’re doing in other parts of the country, or the world, but around here they’re terrible, and have been for many years. Well over a decade. Every time I pass by one I see no business, when all other restaurants around them are busy as hell. I just can’t figure out how they’re staying in business.

On a side note, I was working in Mason, Ohio for a while and in one spot there are two of damn near everything right down the street from one another. Including Burger King. I thought that was special, considering one barely gets business, now they got two eating into each other’s business. Well apparently one of them closed recently. SURPRISE SURPRISE.

I see a commercial every now and then for Burger King, as they continue to promote their business, and their food, and they continue to come out with new items and specials. Yet I continue to always see no business as I drive by.

Recently Burger King announced they were going to start selling Mac N Cheetos and the internet collectively lost its shit. While die-hard Burger King lovers were still completely pissed (including myself) at the fact that they got rid of their tater tots with the cheese in the middle, everyone seemed to be excited about the Mac N Cheetos. The fattie in everybody was happy.

An orgasm for your food hole.

An orgasm for your food hole.

My wife and I don’t eat Burger King now. We’ve been together for 9 years and we’ve probably had Burger King 4 times. However, the other night she decided she wanted to try those Mac N Cheetos. We stopped at a Burger King, noticed how completely dead they were, and proceeded to order some of those, as well as some sandwiches.

Never mind the sandwiches, which were the same ol same ol, but the Mac N Cheetos were completely amazing. They were everything I had hoped they would be, and then some. They were fucking awesome.

Tonight, just a couple of days later, I decided I really wanted a Whopper. I haven’t had one in a few years, yet that’s all I could think about. And then the icing on the cake… Mac N Cheetos. I persuaded my wife to go to Burger King with me, and off we went.

I ordered my Whopper (a double with cheese, thank you), got her some double cheeseburgers, and ordered some Mac N Cheetos.

“We don’t carry them anymore.”

And this will probably be the last time we eat at Burger King for another few years. I asked why, and the girl told me she didn’t even know they had stopped until she had placed an order for a customer earlier and one of her coworkers told her. Apparently it was a very limited time thing. They got one order in and they had them until they were gone.

Keep in mind, the internet lost its shit. This was a huge deal. Especially for a faltering company like Burger King. I don’t think these things were even out for a month. Let me go Google something real fast.

The best I could find was that Burger King announced the Mac N Cheetos in mid June. Here we are mid July and they’re gone.

And it brings me back to the complaint I’ve had with all fast food places for a long time. If you introduce something for a limited time only, don’t make it so limited. A month is not enough time for people to really get a chance to try it. I mean really, is anybody eating Burger King more than once a month? Even McDonald’s considers anybody who eats their food more than once a week to be “heavy users.” And that’s McDonald’s, a place everyone loves.

Also, bring the shit back once in a while. Don’t get people turned on to something and then never bring it back. White Castles did that with their French Onion Cheeseburger. They first brought it out over a decade ago, I got extremely hooked on them, and then they took them away. They brought them back once for about a month, a few years later, and that was it.

What’s the purpose? Sure, these restaurants don’t give a fuck. Making money is all they care about. But if the point in coming out with something different, even for a limited time only, is to make money, then… The worst part is when their special, limited time only item is made with stuff they have all the time, yet when the special goes away they can’t make it for you. If you got the ingredients, fucking make it.

Forget the argument that we shouldn’t be eating fast food at all. I know that. But shit happens. Also, forget the argument about common sense not being with us anymore. I’m sick of that scapegoat. Fuck that, I’m holding places accountable now. Common sense, use it. White Castles, “what you crave.” Yeah, I fucking crave the French Onion Cheeseburger because YOU introduced it to me. Now where is it? Common sense. If you’re not going to be willing to bring the shit back on a regular basis, don’t bring it out at all.

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