Movie Review: Jurassic World

What movie do you think of when I lay it out like this…

Rich dude opens a theme park on an island to showcase cloned dinosaurs to the world. Experts say things will go horribly wrong, rich dude says whatevs, and then things go horribly wrong. Dinosaurs escape their fences and start eating people. Two kids are in the hands of a guy who is saving the entire park from the dinosaurs. In the end there’s an epic battle between Raptors and a Rex and the park is shut down.

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Jurassic Park? Sure, and its current sequel, Jurassic World, which has broken worldwide records for money made. The two movies are basically the same damn story which has people calling this a reboot when it is clearly a sequel. Despite that, a lot of people are also calling it a crappy movie, which it was.

I really didn’t care for it at all.

Where to begin? Oh, how about the AMC theater I saw it in. The seats were so close together that I was leaning into the aisle because I had no room in my seat because my wife was taking up some of it. We were all on top of one another.

At the concession we got two hotdogs, a large drink and a medium popcorn for $24. WHAT? That was more than we paid to get in to see the movie. And then I had half my popcorn eaten before the movie started, and we got there a minute before showtime. Yeah, there were a few previews.

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The movie itself was bland. The actors were all good in it, but everything else sucked. The dinosaurs all looked CGI. Remember the first Jurassic Park when the dinosaurs all looked really good? There was that awesome scene that everybody loved, when the stars first get a glimpse of a bunch of dino’s off in the distance.

This scene is still awesome.

This scene is still awesome.

They tried to recapture that magic in “World” and fell short. Not only did they basically regurgitate the script from the first, they tried to recreate several of the awesome scenes from it, and it all basically equaled a big-budget summer blockbuster that did what it was supposed to do. It made tons of money and reinvigorated the Jurassic Park franchise.

The CGI in this was too good in a bad way. Everything looked CGI. When the first one came out, the computer animation in it was ground breaking. The dinosaurs looked great, and there were more instances of puppets being used. Puppets were barely used in this, because CGI is so much faster, of course. And it showed. There was one huge underwater dinosaur that made an appearance in the movie more than the T-Rex did, and it wasn’t even that spectacular on the big screen, because it looked CGI. It looked fake.

Speaking of that, we’re probably going to see the same thing with the new Ghostbusters movie coming out. The CGI in the first two movies was great and looked amazing. I’m sure the over the top CGI in the upcoming one is going to look just like CGI.

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The story itself wasn’t too bad, but the layout of the movie was damn near a complete ripoff of the first. I did like that they threw it back to the original park, Hammond, and everything that had happened before. They even used the original music in it. That is why it was a sequel and not a reboot. But, that’s where the originality ended.

Product placement was a huge thing in this as well. It was so bad it actually bled over into this review. I’m sure you hadn’t noticed.

Every vehicle in the movie was a Mercedes Benz. I’m surprised the logo to the movie wasn’t:

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The Mercedes logo made more appearances than the dinosaurs.

In this movie, the dinosaurs learn to trust humans. Not just any dinosaurs, but the fucking Raptors. The T-Rex doesn’t make an appearance until the end of the movie, when it and Raptors team together to fight the main dino threat in the movie, a hybrid dinosaur mix made of… a T-Rex and Raptors, among other things.

And then when they defeat the badass dinosaur, the T-Rex and Raptor look at each other, and walk away separately, like they finally overcame their differences and are on the same side now.

WHAT HOLY FUCK IS THIS GARBAGE?!

Suddenly they’re not dinosaurs anymore, they’re emotional bags of trust issues? The T-Rex must have been off of his game, because when the woman went to get him for the fight, she was in heels and outran him on foot.

I believe the proper emoticon for this is O_O.

No thanks. It satisfied me enough that I wasn’t pissed I dropped too much money to see it, but that was it. I don’t understand how it made all the money it made so far, but it is what it is.

I give this movie 5 stars out of 10, only because Vincent D’Onofrio and Chris Pratt were good in it (even though honestly anybody could have played those roles).

8 responses to “Movie Review: Jurassic World

  1. We never go to the movies anymore, it is
    just too expensive to spend all that money and end up being disappointed.

    • Yeah, it is a gamble, although I’m really never that mad when I see a bad movie in the theater, cause the theater experience is still awesome. It makes even bad movies okay. BUT, it is sort of unnecessarily expensive, and I don’t get to do it very much. I try to wait until video before watching anything new.

  2. Love this review. I crack a smile every time I see the preview with people training dinosaurs like dogs. Ooookay.
    My lol came at O_O and all I have to say about it is, “As suspected.”

  3. The Mannish Minx

    This review was so spot on and incredibly well written. I doubt it’ll do its intended purpose of warning folks who haven’t seen it yet to wait until it’s out on dvd to see it, but at least when they comment afterwards you can be all like, ‘I told you so!’ and then thrust your cock in their face while making some obscene hand gestures. Seriously though, what a great review and article overall. Can’t beat humor and facts when they come together in such harmony as this.

  4. The Mannish Minx

    They THEY can tell us they said so, lol.

  5. The Mannish Minx

    Then*, ugh…

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