Movie Review: San Andreas

Today my wife and I had plans to go see Jurassic World with some others, but those others flaked on us so we decided to go see it by ourselves. So we went to a new theater we’ve never been to before and saw San Andreas.


The theater we went to is an XScape, which turned out to be pretty awesome. Not only can you buy White Castles there (they’re most likely the frozen kind) but you can get as much butter as you want on your popcorn, for free. They even let you dispense it yourself. They have butter stations next to the fountain pop stations, which they also let you get yourself, too.

In the theaters themselves they have reclining seats and tons of leg room. The seats were ultra nice.

Oh, so the movie was good, too. It stars The Rock as he defeats Triple H for yet another title. Then he goes out and saves a bunch of people from dying when the San Andreas fault decides to ruin everybody’s shit.

This is the kind of movie I expected to see. It was your basic “surviving-a-huge-natural-disaster-while-certain-people-have-all-the-luck-and-others-fall-in-love-and-everything-is-okay-in-the-end” movie.


The Rock happens to be part of the LA Fire Department as a rescue dude. He flies around in a helicopter saving people who are in deep shit. Then earthquakes start to happen. It’s discovered the San Andreas fault is about to go batshit crazy, and then it does, destroying everything. The Hoover Dam is destroyed in an awesome scene, and then San Francisco is destroyed, and so is LA. Other places are also destroyed, but they aren’t San Francisco or LA, so they didn’t make it into the movie.

The side stories involve The Rock separating from his wife only to get her back in the end because he has to save her life. Typical.

In real life The Rock is mixed between being black and Samoan, but in the movie had two brown haired white children with a white wife. I guess he has the same kind of sperm Michael Jackson had.

The Rock’s daughter is on her way to Seattle or something but gets caught up in the earthquaking. So after The Rock saves his ex wife and gets back together with her, he goes off to save his daughter. Meanwhile, the daughter meets a guy and falls in love with him. Typical.

While trying to survive, the daughter of The Rock just so happens to possess all the knowledge she needed to get through every event she faced. Typical.

During one of the earthquakes, the famous Hollywood sign up on the hill gets destroyed. Again. In another natural disaster movie. Typical.

During the movie we are told The Rock and his wife had two daughters, but during a river rafting trip, the younger daughter falls off of the raft and drowns, and The Rock feels guilty for it and won’t forgive himself. Then during the earthquake he watches his only living kid drown. He’s the worst father ever.

Oh, don’t worry, the daughter survives. Typical.

Stephen King's Under The Dome

Stephen King’s Under The Dome

The only reason to watch this movie is to see the amazing CGI, which was pretty awesome, and to watch the tons of people get killed, which was also amazing. I had to keep telling myself it was only a movie so I wouldn’t get too excited about all of the death.

Also, there was no CGI used in the making of the movie. They really destroyed San Francisco to make the movie. You can trust me on that. Don’t Google it.

In the end after the earthquakes have stopped, they play the sappy music and look out over the destruction and smile, thankful that they survived. And that’s that. No mention of the destruction from the aftershocks, which were supposedly going to reach the east coast. No mention of the destruction from the tsunami that hit everywhere. Nah, everything is fine because The Rock survived. Worst father ever.

I give the movie 7 of 10 stars because it was really good, but it was what it was. Basically an Asylum movie with a huge budget. And The Rock.

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