Movie Review: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

As always, I’m on the breaking edge of movie reviews, but like, a year behind.

I finally got around to watching this movie, and the quick review is, I loved it. But that’s not why you’re here, is it? You want the long, drawn out, bull shit, filler review. I know, I know. Here it is.

90% of the ooze is steroids.

90% of the ooze is steroids.



Again, I loved the movie. I thought it was well done, and considering Michael Bay had something to do with it, I thought it had surprisingly very few explosions.

With this reboot, we get a quick introduction to how the Turtles and Splinter came into existence. Then we get a brief telling of how Megan Fox came to work with Michael Bay again. Then Will Arnett makes a brief cameo to hit on Megan Fox slightly.

Shredder is still the main bad guy, but in this he’s even more badass. Like, seriously badass. His Foot Clan aren’t so much Foot soldiers as we know and love them, as much as they are just terrorists. Instead of knowing an ancient form of Ninjutsu, they all carry machine guns. And they are lead by Shredder’s second hand, a woman who had so much plastic surgery she doesn’t need to wear a mask like the rest of the Foot.

Despite all the differences, there is one scene ripped directly from the original Ninja Turtles movie, where Leonardo uses his swords to slice a pizza in the air, and slices drop onto the waiting plates of the Turtles, except for the one that lands right on Splinter’s head. I mean really, what pizza company delivers pizza unsliced? Must have been DiGiorno.

So Shredder is up to no good, and in order to do so, he needs the mutagen inside the Turtles’ blood to finish the deed. So he Turtlenaps them, cages them, and drains them of their blood. Raphael, the biggest and most mutated/steroid infused Turtle of them all, comes to rescue them.

Blah blah blah, no Casey Jones, blah blah blah.

Here’s what I liked and didn’t like. I loved the semi sliding down the snowy hill scene. It lasts for roughly 3 hours and the hill is apparently 10 miles long, but it’s an awesome scene so I look past that. It really doesn’t have much to do with the movie, but it’s cool.

Despite the Turtles being CGI instead of costumed guys…

Oh.

Oh.

The CGI looks good and it works. I think they had a little too much going on, such as articles of random clothing hanging off of them and all of the shit hanging around on Donatello’s face, head and back the entire movie. And Raphael could have maybe been just a tad bit smaller. Aside from that, the fact that they’re so big and actually possess super-human strength is kind of a cool new thing that I can get behind.

Another awesome thing about the movie, no Ninja Rap. Although there is a huge similarity between what eventually happens to Shredder and what goes on with Shredder in the Secret Of The Ooze. Maybe Kevin Nash will play Super Shredder in the upcoming sequel. Just so long as he gets out of jail first. (He’s out.)

Speaking of sequel, IMDB says Bebop and Rocksteady are going to be the main bad guys in it and Casey Jones will make an appearance. I’m not holding my breath, but we’ll see. Just so long as Bebop and Rocksteady are done better than Tokka and Rahzar. The sequel is set to come out mid-2016.

Now, with the things I didn’t care for. I don’t like that the Turtles were April’s pets at one point, but it crappily draws the story together. I don’t like that Shredder has to have a super-human costume to be badass. He’s only given one tiny scene to show just how badass he is normally. I don’t think they built on him being super tough enough. They just threw him in his kickass suit and that was that.

I didn’t like Splinter. Really, I didn’t like him at all.

Speaking of Shredder and him not having enough time to develop, that’s my biggest problem with the movie. It seems like they put everything into it expecting it to be a one and done movie, instead of making it to build on a franchise. Originally I compared this movie to the Robocop reboot, in how there was something missing and I didn’t know what it was. Now I know, at least for this one.

Towards the end of the movie, Raphael has a moment where he apologizes to his brothers for being an asshole and he tells them he loves them. It’s supposed to be a sentimental moment, and I quickly recognized it as something that should make me tear up. But I didn’t, because there was very little buildup for it.

There was very little buildup for anything in the movie. Basically, they made the movie as if everybody who watches it already knows everything about the Turtles. Well, if that’s the case, then why give us their background in the beginning of the movie? Why tell their story?

If you’re going to make a franchise out of it, you have time to do that. Build up Raphael’s attitude and general dickiness towards his brothers. Have it come to a head at the end of the movie. Wait until the sequel to have him apologize and tell them he loves them. You’ll get more emotion.

Overall, I loved it and had just those few minor issues. I think the comedy in it worked well and the action was great, even if it was a bit too fast to see what was going on. But I’m a fan of action movies, so I’m used to that. Here’s looking forward to the sequel!

8 of 10 stars

Oh right… SPOILER WARNING.

2 responses to “Movie Review: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

  1. I’m planning to rent this at some point. I was considering seeing it in the theater, but the whole Michael Bay thing scared me off.

    • It was probably pretty good on the big screen, but it’s a decent watch. Really. Bay scared me, too, but when I heard he wasn’t going to actually do the alien thing (which they do to a degree, it’s their actual origin after all) I decided to give it a shot. And the trailers all looked good. I think you’ll like it. Maybe not love it, but I think at the very least you’ll be happy you watched it.

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