No, this isn’t a joke. I mean, it IS a joke, I’m fucking laughing. But there will seriously be a Tetris movie in the near future. A live action one at that. And by “live action” I mean “99% CGI.”
“Brands are the new stars of Hollywood,” Threshold Entertainment’s Larry Kasanoff says. “We have a story behind ‘Tetris’ which makes it a much more imaginative thing.”
First, brands are the new stars of Hollywood? Sure, if you consider all of the cheap, shameless advertising products get in every film nowadays. Reboots are the new stars, you asshat. In other words, movies from 30 years ago are the new stars.
Second, there better be a story behind the movie, because the game you’re adapting the movie from HAS NO FUCKING STORY. None. There’s no story in place at all. You drop blocks and make solid lines. That’s it. If I ever thought Hollywood had run out of ideas, I was completely wrong, because NOW they’ve fucking run out of ideas.
I’m a writer and I can’t possibly fathom any story that would make sense with Tetris involved unless it was The Wizard 2, or Tetris isn’t the main character or story. There’s no way this is going to be good. I can imagine a movie about something having nothing to do with Tetris or video games in general, and one person walks by an open door and someone is in that room playing the game.
Who wants this to happen? Has there been a public outcry for a Tetris movie that I’ve never heard of? Does anybody think this is going to be a good idea, besides Larry Kasanoff?
I just sat and tried to think of a worse idea for a movie and I couldn’t. I can’t even make a joke about that. This is terrible.
Kasanoff’s best known for adapting the “Mortal Kombat” games to the big screen – 1995’s “Mortal Kombat” grossed $70 million according to Boxoffice Mojo, with the 1997 sequel, “Mortal Kombat: Annihilation,” grossing $35 million. For Threshold, they’re hoping to build off the brand’s notoriety and legacy.
Oh, he’s the one who did the Mortal Kombat movies. We gotta talk about how the first one was spectacular, and how the second one was a heaping pile of shit. That should be obvious by how the second brought in only half of what the first did in the box office. And how there was no third.
“…they’re hoping to build off the brand’s notoriety and legacy.” Translated, “…they have a shitty idea for a movie and they’re hoping to use the Tetris name to draw people in to see this shitty movie. They’ll probably throw a small Tetris reference in the movie somewhere to make it work.”
I’m sure at some point they’ll throw in that original Tetris music everyone knows and loves just to get a laugh from the audience. Kind of like how they did in the Transformers movies, where every now and then you hear the original cartoon transformation sound, just so you can go, “Hey! I recognize that! I’ve connected with the movie! It’s from the original thing! That means this movie is paying the perfect amount of homage to where it came from!”
But hey! One thing we can look forward to is, every blockbuster movie is always accompanied by a game that comes out based on the movie to help pull in as much money as possible! I wonder what game they’ll put out for this one…