Live A Long And Happy Life

I was just thinking, which usually isn’t good, about how the different races of the United States can live long and happy lives. Sure this might seem full of stereotypes, and maybe even wrong in places, but I’m totally serious about this.

Native Americans – Keep Building Casinos

Well done, Indians. You have beat the system, so to speak. You were given a shitty hand by a shitty government and you decided to turn the other cheek into millions, maybe billions, of dollars. I love it. Sure, nothing would be greater than not having your ancestors rounded up and slaughtered, or having been told you’re only allowed to live on land that nothing and nobody wants to live on, but you’ve looked beyond that. You’ve taken a horrible negative and made it a positive. You’ve stuck it to the man and I truly applaud you for it. That doesn’t mean you have forgotten your ancestors, or that you have sold out. It means you’ve found a loop hole and you’re doing what you can to live life to the fullest. Keep it up.

Mexicans – Keep Coming Here For Work

The fact of the matter is, we want you here. We really do. Some people bitch and complain about you being here, but some people bitch and complain when their WiFi goes out during a storm. We’re so spoiled in the U.S. that we don’t even want to take shitty jobs because it might mean getting our hands dirty. If you weren’t here, who would do all that lawn work? Who would cook in the kitchens? No, we’d rather sit around and bitch that there are no jobs, meaning there ARE jobs, we’re just not going to fucking do them because we all expect to be doctors and lawyers. We all expect to get paid to do nothing, like we should all be in politics. That’s how we act, right? We all sit on our couches and our La-Z-Boys and we bitch about what’s going on in our country and how things would be better if we made certain changes, as if we were running the country. We all bitch about the President and how horrible of a job he’s doing. Yet none of us step up and actually do anything to change anything. We have all the answers. We know all the solutions. It sounds like we’re all politicians in training. Almost none of us are grateful for what we have, and almost none of us like it when others beat the system that we have no control over. If you weren’t here, my dear Mexican friends, there would be a lot of shit not getting done. And we need things to get done in order to keep things moving forward, even if we’re only moving forward at a slow, ridiculous rate. Keep doing what you’re doing, and one day you might be thanked for what you’ve contributed to us. Let me start. Thank you.

Blacks – Don’t Go To Walmart And Buy Pellet Guns

Too soon? I hope that hits a nerve. The fact of the matter is, white people don’t like you. And it’s a shame really, because you’re so awesome. You’re better than us at just about everything, which is why we like to hold you down below us, because that’s the only way we can compete. We don’t know any other way. Personally, I love you. All of you. That’s why I’m going to let you in on a little secret. White people don’t hate you because you’re black, they hate middle class trash, and that’s where they think you are from. I know, because I’m middle class scum and uppity white assholes treat me the same way, even though I share their skin color. I’ve had problems with the police, treating me like a criminal when I wasn’t one. It doesn’t just happen to you. But that’s why it happens. It’s not just because you’re black, it’s because they think you’re in a class below them because you’re black. That’s white people for you. Stupid, idiotic, assholes. That’s why we hate everybody. Not just because of their skin color, but because we think they’re below us when we really know they’re all above us. In order for you to be great and have happy lives, don’t act like they want you to act, like you’re owed something. Instead, be cool, calm and collected. Be the great people you are, AS PEOPLE, not as a race of people. That will win, every time. And maybe one day rich, uppity white people will take note and follow along. And then maybe we’ll all be able to live together in harmony.

Whites – Just Keep Being White

That’s it. We’re white. Congratulations, we were born into a race of people that, historically, has always been on top. We didn’t earn it, we just bullied our way to that spot by keeping everybody else down below us. And now we walk around with a giant raging-hard boner of whiteness, showing it off to everybody. We run everything. And when people who aren’t white have power, that’s a huge problem. President Obama gets so much hate because he’s black. Sure, as a President he’s sucked pretty bad, but if he were white he wouldn’t get nearly as much hate as he does now. I’m sure of it. He’s a black man in a seat of power and the white world can’t deal with that. Because we’re used to having the power. It’s kind of like when you’re 30 or older and you go to work at a place where your boss is 20. Taking orders from somebody beneath you is terrible, isn’t it? We don’t like being told what to do by someone who was born beneath us. As a white race, we know it’s not what’s on the inside that counts, because we all look the same on the inside. No, it’s what’s on the outside that counts. Our skin color. Something we can’t change. Something we were born with. That’s what’s important. We were gifted at birth with a superior color. And then we spend the rest of our lives getting tans to look more dark, because all of the great people of the world are darker than us, and we can’t have that. So we have to look like them too. White people, we’re great at being white, so keep it up. No matter how much better the rest of the races are at everything, we’re still going to be number one by just being born white. How awesome is that?

Canadians – Keep Being Canadian

Are Canadians a race? I don’t think I’ve ever heard of them considered as such, but if Mexicans are a race, then so are Canadians. You can come to the Unites States and be here as long as you like with no problems. You can work here, live here, raise a family here. And nobody cares. You can drive down the street and not be harassed for looking like an illegal citizen. All because you’re white. That’s amazing. Nobody does it better than you. Nobody wants to build a giant fence along our northern border. Nobody’s pissed when the kitchen at McDonald’s is full of Canadians flipping burgers. Nobody is pissed when their neighbors have a yard full of Canadians cutting their grass. You’re doing it so right, so keep it up. Just know that it’s not because you’re Canadian, it’s because you’re white. And super nice, cause Canadians are terribly nice. You’ve actually done white right. Well played.

I’ve always thought the races of the world should mix their genes. Blacks and whites SHOULD be together and have kids. Mexicans and Chinese, Cubans and Canadians. If we mix all of our genes, then we would all be the same color. No, it shouldn’t be necessary, because we should all get along as it is. But we don’t, because we’re petty about stupid shit. That’s why it’s called “petty.” We all live on this planet. We only have one to live on. There’s nowhere else to go. We’re all humans. Just because some of us look different and speak different doesn’t mean shit. We’re all the same on the inside, and that’s what matters. Stop being stupid and start loving thy neighbor. Maybe one day we’ll be able to live in a world where everybody gets along.

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