In My Head I’m An Asshole

Very often I find myself in situations where I just don’t have it in me to be an outright asshole. That doesn’t stop me from being one in my head though. I try to be nice to people, even if they’re annoying the shit out of me. I try. Because I want people to be nice to me. And if I’m not nice to strangers, then Karma is going to rear her ugly head (I meant beautiful, Karma! Don’t smite me!) and strangers are going to be mean to me.

Tonight I was standing in line at a gas station, waiting to pay for my gas. An old lady got in line behind me and out of the blue asks me if there’s a pay phone anywhere nearby. I thought long and hard about it and couldn’t think of one, even though I’m sure I’ve seen one in that area before. I gave her my best guess and made sure she knew I wasn’t entirely sure, and left it at that.

She then decided to tell me WHY she needed it.


Is what I said in my mind. The line I was standing in wasn’t moving, so I had nothing else to do but listen to her blabber on and on about shit I didn’t care about. But at the same time, the line wasn’t moving. I didn’t have a quick exit.

So on and on she went. I had to find out she left in a hurry and forgot her cane, so she felt as if she might fall at any moment. Somehow that turned into how she had broken her toe, or her foot, I’m not sure which because the longer she talked, the more I thought of swallowing a glass full of Ebola just to get out of that conversation.

Somehow that turned into how she fell and broke both of her elbows, and how she had to wear her casts and blah blah blah fucking shut the fuck up blah.

I don’t give a shit. I really don’t. I don’t know her, I don’t know her life, and I don’t care to know about her life. I sure as fuck didn’t ask to hear it.

I know, I know. She’s old, she might not have anybody to talk to. She was just being friendly.

Not my problem. And that is a problem. But not for me. For her.

The guy in front of me, at first, was part of the conversation, until he realized it wasn’t going anywhere, including to an end, so he turned back around and put himself out of the conversation. I’m absolutely positive he was thinking to himself how I was an unlucky bastard, and how he was happy to not be me at that very moment.

I know he was thinking that, because I’ve been in his position before, and that’s what I was thinking about the poor fuck behind me who had to listen to some old hag ramble on and on about unimportant shit.

“Glad I’m not THAT guy,” I’d say to myself, inside my head. Where I’m an asshole 100% of the time. Where I’m Beefybooyawn.

Sometimes that comes out, like if I just woke up and I don’t give a fuck, or I’m having a bad day and I don’t give a fuck. But mostly I’m nice to people in the real world. And then later I kick myself in the ass for not giving less of a fuck and just telling everyone what I think of them and where the fuck they can go.

Like that old lady. I like old people for the most part, but they are people, and I hate people. For the most part. Old people and children are no exception. If they are human, they suck, age doesn’t matter. If they don’t suck, I’ll give them my time. Otherwise, shut your yap, I got shit to do. Like not listen to you. That’s at the top of my list.

3 responses to “In My Head I’m An Asshole

  1. I HATE that. When I used to work for Wal-Mart people would ask for an item and, as I was taking them to the item, would tell me why they needed it. NO FUCKS GIVEN, SKIPPY!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s