Movie Review: Turbo

Last night my wife wanted to watch the Dreamworks movie, Turbo, so I thought I’d review it. Sure, it came out last year, but I recently wrote a review of Pretty Woman, so at least I’m getting closer to NOW with this review.

turbo-movie-poster

The movie is about a snail who wishes he could drive a race car. He’s in love with the best race car guy alive at the time, who happens to be French and named “Guy.”

I get that this movie is a cartoon and fiction. But let’s take a look at some things that don’t make much sense.

First of all, he’s a snail. But he operates a TV AND drinks out of a can of soda with a straw. How did he do all that? The straw was two straws stuck together so that they’d reach into the can of soda and down to his mouth. How did he do any of that? He’s a fucking snail.

Second, after he gets juiced, literally, he then takes on all the characteristics of a car. He has lights, an alarm, a stereo. None of that makes sense and it’s unnecessary. It’s only for laughs, of which they got none from me cause I was too busy trying to figure out how the hell any of that would have happened.

If you haven’t seen the movie, or even if you have, cause I’m going to write this up regardless, here’s what happened. Theo, the snail who becomes Turbo, is all depressed and he slowly makes his way from his home in some front yard to a busy highway. At his speed it would have taken a week or two, but in the movie it only took a few minutes. He almost gets ran over, but instead he lands on the hood of a car about to do some street racing. The race gets going and the driver of the car hits his nitrous oxide, the car jumps forward, and Theo is sucked inside the engine only to be flooded with nitrous. The nitrous is shown going all throughout his body and into his heart and taking over. He’s now got the power of the nitrous.

Now, let’s say I’m going to go along with this. Nitrous is now in his body and he can now slither up to and over 200 MPH. Fine. It’s a cartoon, I can go along with that. But tell me just how in the hell nitrous gives him a stereo, car alarm, headlight eyeballs…

Later in the movie he cracks his shell and the nitrous goes away. At first I thought, how in the hell does that affect the nitrous at all? It’s inside him, not his shell. So I naturally thought, ah, it doesn’t affect it, he’s just finally running out of nitrous. But then later his shell is fixed and he’s fast again.

So nitrous doesn’t ever run out? I’m sure street racers would love to know what kind of nitrous never runs out. And how does his shell cracking affect it at all? It’s just a shell. It has nothing to do with the inside of his body. His body lives inside the shell. If Superman’s apartment is destroyed, he’s still fucking Superman.

Samuel L. Jackson is in the movie and not once does he say “mother fucker.”

So Turbo’s dream is to be a race car driver in the Indianapolis 500. Eventually he gets it, and he’s entered into the Indy 500. Again, I know this is fiction and a cartoon, but FUCKING REALLY?! First of all, he’s a snail, and he’s not driving a car. Technically he’s running. So if Superman or The Flash decided to be a dick, either one could enter the Indy 500 and just run the course? How is that fair? The Indy 500 is about driving a RACE CAR, not running a race, or even slithering a race.

Total bullshit. Okay, so let’s say Theo, AKA Turbo, is naturally gifted and can slither 200 MPH. Oh, but HE CAN’T. He’s been genetically altered. He, in essence, has juiced. He has taken a performance enhancing drug and can only go that fast while under the influence of it.

Shown: CHEATING

Shown: CHEATING

This movie effectively shows kids, it doesn’t matter what your dreams are, or how big or small you are, you can accomplish them if you do performance enhancing drugs. Never mind natural talent, or training. Just juice up, you’ll not only be fine, but it’ll be widely accepted and nobody will care.

Like when Theo WINS the Indy 500 and the whole place cheers. Right, a whole bunch of racing fans got behind a fucking snail on steroids. Makes sense to me. What is he going to do with all that money he won? Is he going to race again to uphold his championship? Are the other racers going to be allowed to use nitrous oxide against him?

Let’s also mention how the main bad guy, uh, Guy, is French and his opponent is a snail, yet there are never any jokes made about how French people love eating snails.

Not even an escargot = CAR GO joke. Nothing. Source

Not even an escargot = CAR GO joke. Nothing.
Source

I laughed a few times, but the movie overall mostly sucked. Come on Dreamworks, let’s dream up something that actually works.

See? That’s a wordplay joke. You could have used one on escargot and didn’t. Losers.

I give this movie 2 out of 5 stars. Let’s hope there won’t be a sequel.

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