Captain Obvious Strikes Again

I don’t know if it pisses me off or if it’s entertainment, but one thing is for sure. People who feel the desire to explain things when they don’t need explained, get a rise out of me. Whether they’re doing it absentmindedly, or because they feel they have to explain, or more importantly, because THEY just figured it out and have to explain it because something almost got by them, I always seem to find it as an amusing annoyance.

Now, let me go over what I just said. I think the absentminded people and those who just figured it out and explain it because they’re kind of talking their own way through it, are the ones who make up the majority of those who do this. And that scares me. These people’s brains are working it all out just slightly slower than real time. And sometimes they have to talk to themselves while it’s going on or they’re going to lose their train of thought and it’s all going to go zipping by them and they’ll miss it all.

That thing they’re figuring out? Nothing complicated. That’s what makes it terribly sad, depressing, and unfortunate. It’s not a big math problem or some labyrinth of words and riddles woven together like a ball of mismatched yarn that needs to be organized by color before the next page can be turned. It’s every day simple shit that they have to explain, absentmindedly, unbeknownst to them that they’re actually doing it. Baby steps. It’s something they have to do to stay on track. They’re probably talking to themselves in the morning while they’re dressing themselves, just so a short while later they’re not leaving the house without pants on.

To give you an idea of what I mean, I’m going to give you this tiny phrase made by one person who caused this entire post. Because I know people like her who do this very thing, and it drives me insane. Some of you will get it right away and sadly, some of you will have no idea why this is a problem to me.

My mom sent me a link to a video on Youtube. It seems to me like it’s probably a school project for CGI. While it’s well done, it’s kind of pointless. A bunch of giraffes are high diving into a pool. The animation looks great, but what’s the fucking point to any of it? So yeah, that’s why I think it’s maybe a college project or something. Here, check it out.

Just under it is the first comment for the video, and that’s the comment that made me write all of this up. A woman commented, “cute yet fake” and there are replies to it by her friends and family talking about Words With Friends, because even they know how she is and they’re just being kind enough to not point it out, or they’re even dumber than she is and they have no idea what she’s talking about. Speaking of being kind enough to not point it out, the reason I’m writing this is to keep from commenting on her post and sarcastically pointing out she’s a moron. I didn’t want to do that to her, so I just saved her the humiliation. Wasn’t that nice of me?

Why, exactly, did she feel the need to tell her friends and family, and those who are watching the video on Youtube, that it’s fake? I’m sure she had no idea her comment was going to be posted on Youtube, or she didn’t care. But never mind that. Why did she HAVE to say that it’s fake?

Well, she’s one of those people. She started watching it and at first she thought it was real. That’s why. She was probably extremely confused by the time the first one dove into the pool. The wheels upstairs were turning and grinding. There was smoke pouring from her ears. And then it dawned on her, and she probably said it slowly to herself, “This… isn’t… real…” like Mr. Tuttle on Night Court.

Either that or she had to prove to those who know her, but more importantly to herself, that she figured it out, because somewhere someone would think she’s the kind of person who wouldn’t have figured it out, so she had to say it on Google+ to let them know she’s not that stupid, even though she’s probably right on the border of being that stupid anyway, which is why she had to prove she’s not.

Her and people like her are the people that make you say, “Wow, nothing gets by you” in your most sarcastic tone, but even they don’t get that you’re being sarcastic. Oh yeah, these people typically don’t get sarcasm. My mother is that way, although to her credit she’s not nearly as bad as this woman. I used to date a girl, and I may have shared this story somewhere on this blog, about this one time her and I were watching O Brother, Where Art Thou? and the KKK scene came on and John Goodman’s character took off his hood and my girlfriend said, “Oh, they’re white.” Yeah, she watched that entire scene with the KKK up to that point, thinking the men under the white robes were black. I can give you one good reason why I dated her, and it wasn’t because of her intellect.

Miss Dora, the woman who started all of this, is cute, too. Surprise surprise.

Seriously, how can anybody watch that video above and think it’s not fake? Thank you, Dora, for telling me. It almost had me, too. At one point I was all “Damn, they trained them giraffes good! Look at their perfect form as they hit the water! I’ve seen Olympic divers worse than that! Gosh golly!” but then I saw your comment and realized what a buffoon I was to think that could have been real. Thank you, my savior, for setting me straight. Where would I be without you and those like you?

What the fuck. These people are the reasons we have warning labels on everything. She probably thought Sharknado was a documentary.

I think the reason people like her bother me so much, is that they’re out there living among us, being allowed to do the same things I’m allowed to do, and putting me in jeopardy. If she’s allowed to operate like a normal human being, we’re all fucked. I’d like to know what roads she drives on so I can stay away from them. The worst part is, during a zombie apocalypse, she’ll probably outlast me. That’s how this world operates.

2 responses to “Captain Obvious Strikes Again

  1. Help us all. BTW, that oh so (not) real video would be fun to watch under the influence of some mind altering substance.

    • Yeah, it would be. Too bad I don’t do that stuff anymore. At least for the time being, I hope. If I ever get to do it again, I’ll rewatch that video and get back to you.

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