Movie Review: Robocop

Hi folks! I just watched the reboot to an awesome movie franchise and I wasn’t happy with it.

End of review.

Just kidding, there’s more. Not much.

Everybody in the movie was great. Joel Kinnaman (Robodude), whom I’ve never seen in anything else, ever, did a great job. I felt for him, I believed he was robot. Gary Oldman (the dude who turned Murphy into Robodude) was great. I remember him from such films as the Harry Potter flicks and The Dark Knight. Just kidding, I don’t remember him from The Dark Knight, because I try to block watching that from my memory. Samuel L. Jackson and Michael Keaton, what the hell can I say about them that would make them more awesome than they already are and that you already know them as?

TRIVIA TIME! Gary Oldman was in a Batman franchise, and Michael Keaton IS Batman. WOW!

Abbie Cornish plays Alex Murphy’s wife. I’ve never seen her in anything, but holy fuckbunnies is she hot. I can’t believe Hollywood put a beautiful woman with a nice plump ass and great legs in a blockbuster movie! Shouldn’t she be a twig? Why is she not in more stuff? Why is she not naked more? Why is she not in more stuff naked more?

Regardless, I’d like to thank this rendition of Robocop for putting a new face in my spank bank. She is now officially a part of the hot-chicks-I’d-totally-bang-hard-list. I mean…

Yes. Please.

Yes. Please.

So the movie is pretty good overall, except it’s missing something. I don’t know what. I spent the entirety of it thinking about what it needed, and hoping that I’d get whatever it is by the end. I never figured it out and I never got it. I enjoyed the movie, but in 2 hours they missed something, and that’s a problem.

One thing I think is absolutely terrible… Alex’s demise. In the original Robocop, the scene where Red Forman and company take Alex and torture him before blowing his brains out was so terrible, so traumatic, that when I was a kid it destroyed me. It was too much. Even as an adult, I can just barely stand to watch it because it’s so fucked up. Here, watch!

The original didn’t pull any punches. The reboot gets near the edge, peeks over it, then withdraws, too scared to even get a good look of the other side. The original was dark. Detroit was a cesspool (“was,” HA!). In the reboot, Detroit is barely shown, but when it is, it looks magnificent.

Obviously CGI. The sun hasn't shined on Detroit in over 50 years.

Obviously CGI. The sun hasn’t shined on Detroit in over 50 years.

I think the biggest issue with the movie was about the bad guys. Sure there are some dicks in the original, but you quite clearly want to see Murphy get his revenge on Red Forman, because that sadistic son of a bitch… he just… well, watch!

Yeah, we want him dead. In the reboot, who is the villain? There’s this guy that keeps coming up, but we almost never see him. We just hear of how bad he is. And in movies, just hearing about something isn’t so great. The audience kind of wants to see the shit in action. Otherwise we’d be reading a fucking book.

When Roboguy goes after the villain (pick one, it doesn’t matter) and he kills him, who gives a shit? What’s that? The movie is over? Oh, that was the great climactic fight with the baddie? Sorry, I blinked and missed it. Horrible build up and lack of a payoff.

Also, in the original, Robocop has an awesome partner. Not just someone who he counts on and respects, but someone the audience gets to know and also counts on and respects. She’s as much a part of his journey as he is. If it isn’t for her, he would have been scrap metal way before the end of the movie. In the reboot… Robodetective doesn’t have a partner. That’s what I was lead to believe. I could be wrong.

Original, Robocop drives around in a police cruiser, often with his PARTNER. Reboot, he rolls around on a crotch rocket. Sorry, room for one only. Later in the reboot when his partn… this black dude gets shot, I didn’t feel sorry for him. “OH MAN! ROBODUDE’S PARTNER HAS BEEN SHOT! I SHOULD FEEL WORRIED FOR HIS SAFETY AS A VIEWER OF THIS MOVIE!” That didn’t come out of my mouth when he was shot. A yawn did.

I think that’s it. Those are my problems with it. There’s also THIS!

Robomale pulls up his HUD to see a bad guy’s cell phone number…

032, the new 555.

032, the new 555.

That’s all I got. The movie was good, and I’m sure there will be a sequel, but all it did was make me want to watch the original again. And see more of Abbie Cornish. I give it 6 1/2 out of 10 stars.

*The movie was watched and the review was written while under the influence of alcohol.

3 responses to “Movie Review: Robocop

  1. I won’t watch the reboot. I loved the first one. I was 17 y/o at the time. My friend almost walked out. The “commercials” in the movie were fucking great too. The actual Detroit scenery was GD Texas. Fakery. I like your review.

    • No commercials in this one. It’s not so bad, they take the situation into different directions than the original series did and they explored other things, but when they did that they left out important stuff. For instance, *spoiler* when he first wakes up as Robocop, he takes off cause he’s pissed and confused. He gets to a wall and jumps over it with ease. Showing the audience that he’s completely badass and can do just about anything. And that’s the only time in the movie where he does anything like that. So why the hell did they show us that? Complete waste.

  2. Pingback: Movie Review: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles | Beefy's House o' Fun

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