They’re Coming To Take Me Away

You may not know this, but I’m a paranoid guy. Seriously. I grew up paranoid, and even now it’s something that haunts me. Like, it’s a real thing.


When I was a kid living with my dad, we lived in a cul-de-sac. Any time during the day or night, if my dad was in the living room and somebody came to the end of the street and turned around, or even if one of the neighbors pulled into their driveway, he would get up, go to the window, and look out. Just to see who it was. That made me paranoid.

It followed me. As a teenager I lived with my mom and I had this one window in my bedroom that was high up on the wall. It was just high enough that I could look out it while standing up. Even then I thought, at night, people were in the back yard just watching me from it, even though in order to see me I would have had to be standing at the window, and they would have had to be quite a distance away from me, and they would have only seen my head.


The feeling stayed with me up until now. In the very back of my house, almost the entire back wall is window, and while living here for ten plus years I always left the curtains closed. I have a great view, but I left the curtains closed, because at night I’m sure someone is standing in my back yard looking at me. Even though it’s almost impossible for anybody back there to see me. I know it’s ridiculous, but that’s how I feel. Mostly at night.

Standing at my kitchen sink I feel like someone is watching me through that window, and I always feel like someone is going to run by that window and shoot me through it. And it’s very possible for someone to be out there at night and see me through it, if I’m standing at the sink.

This feeling happens each and every time I’m standing at that window at night. Seriously.

As far as being seen through the back window, my wife leaves the curtains there pulled open to let light in during the day, and we never close them. At night, I always have the feeling as if someone were standing out there just watching me.

When I woke up tonight my wife had the blinds on our front door open, which look right in to our bed (we have a small apartment). I told her to close them. She said nobody was out there, and I’m sure nobody is out there, but I was completely paranoid. She brought up the curtains over the big window and how they’re open and I told her how they make me paranoid too. She just rolled her eyes at me.

I do this.

I do this.

Oh, public bathrooms are the worst. At my job, for a long time (and I’m not sure why) one of the ceiling tiles was gone. Holy fuck, never mind cameras, someone is up there watching me pee. If I go into a big public restroom and can’t lock the door, or if THERE IS NO DOOR, fuck fuck fuck. If there are multiple stalls, I ALWAYS look under them to see if there’s anybody else in the bathroom with me. Crapping in public isn’t even a real thing that happens in my life, unless it’s absolutely necessary. And those bathroom stall doors that have huge gaps between them and the main wall of the stall. Yeah, that only means someone is standing there watching me do my business while I’m doing it and can’t see them watching me.

What about urinals? Nope. Those don’t exist. One time a few years back, my friends and I went to a drive-in theater. During intermission I had to pee, so I went to the bathroom. There was a line, and of course it started in the bathroom. When it was my turn, the urinal opened up. There were like 3 other guys behind me, in the bathroom, waiting. I was standing at the urinal and I was shaking so bad I couldn’t pee, because I was sure all of those guys had their eyes on me the whole time. I finally gave up and left. It’s been that way ever since for me. I can’t do urinals. Hell, if I just go to the bathroom, only in MY bathroom at home do I not feel like someone is standing on the other side of the door with their ear to the door, listening to me.

I do this.

I do this.

When I take a shower, I always feel like someone slipped in to the bathroom quietly and is just standing on the other side of the curtain, listening to me shower. And it could only be my wife, and she wouldn’t do that. WOULD SHE?!

If a car pulls up next to me at a light, all of the inhabitants of that car are just staring at me. When I go shopping I always do my best to not look suspicious, because every security camera IS ON ME THE WHOLE TIME.

This is serious shit. I’m fucking paranoid. I grew up that way. I feel like someone is out to get me and it’s just a matter of time. I hate going outside because of it, seriously. It’s a battle, every day, just for me to get by without going nuts. One of these days I’ll never leave the house and everybody will be all, “What’s wrong with him? I never thought he’d be this way!” Yeah, I’ve always been that way, I just hide it well.

I can’t live without windows. I’d feel too boxed in, and I wouldn’t be able to look out of the windows to see if somebody was there or not. I just won’t look out of them at night, because I’ll be gunned down.

6 responses to “They’re Coming To Take Me Away

  1. Not to make light of your paranoia, because that is a sucky thing to live with and it really does make things difficult.

    But the entire time I was reading your post, I had this song stuck in my head:

    And then when I finished I also thought of this one:

  2. Pingback: Ohio’s Issue 3 | Beefy's House o' Fun

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