The Dumbest Guy I Know

Think about the dumbest person you know, and then know that I know someone dumber than that person you’re thinking of.

I’m not going to say who he is or where I know him from, because that could get some people in some shit, potentially. I will say this, though. He’s a security guard for a hotel. I deliver pizza to a LOT of hotels, and I just so happen to see this guy every now and then.

When I first met him, I heard some of his stories about young love and sexual conquest, and I didn’t know better so I just thought he had it going on. Like BOW CHICKA BOW BOW style. When I started getting to know him better I started realizing that he’s just so terribly full of shit that it has overflown and it comes out of his mouth. A lot.

His problem is, he not only spews forth this bullshit, all the time, about everything, but he also believes most of it. The worst part is, he can’t help himself. Every time he opens his mouth, he’s going to lie about something. From the grandest of the grand, to the smallest, most insignificant shit. He just has to lie.

What’s even sadder is, his sister has Down Syndrome (his other sister is a lesbian, I don’t think that matters much) and I’m pretty sure he was born slightly Down Syndrome himself. He’s a fully functioning adult, you can have serious discussions with him about anything, but he has that look. I don’t mean to make fun of anybody with any sort of Syndrome or mental retardation, but he has that look to him that most of those people have. Like he’s a few der-der-der’s shy of full blown retard.

I don’t recall all of the crazy he’s told me since I first met him and had no idea he was completely full of shit, but I know where it started, for me at least. He saw this picture…

albino-python

… and said, “That’s a milk python.”

When I was told he had said that, I asked why it was such big news that he got that wrong. That’s when I was told he was a complete asshat who is always saying stupid shit like that. For the record, milk pythons aren’t a real thing, anywhere.

With that out of the way, I started listening more closely to the things he would say, and I’ve collected a plethora of stupid shit he has said whether to me or to the people he works with who share these stories with me. So, here we go. We’ll call him Ray, for lack of a better name.

Ray told me on three separate occasions that he was going to be 1) a fireman, 2) a pizza delivery guy, and 3) he was going to go to college to be a chef. He’s doing neither of the other two, but he has started delivering pizza on the side for a little extra money, unless he’s lying about that too.

The hotel where he works has been having skunk problems. I asked him recently about the problems and he said they’re down to one skunk. I asked if they had trapped and relocated the other ones and he said they had not, because that’s against the law. If you trap a skunk, you have to kill it. So they’ve been shooting all of the skunks that they’ve caught. Because once you catch them it messes with their head and they can’t live in the wild again, so they must be killed. The same with raccoons. That’s what he told me, and it’s all shit. I don’t know if they’ve actually been killing them or not, because I don’t know if I can believe anything he says.

Speaking of skunks, the other night one sprayed near the hotel and he said it must have been hit by a car or killed some other way, because they only release that scent when they’re killed.

One night an employee left food there for other employees to eat. He was given some of it and it was still warm. He stuck the food in the fridge. Someone asked him why he wasn’t going to eat it then, or if he was going to eat it cold and he replied that he has to get it cold before he can reheat it. It was still hot when he first received it.

Another night another employee left food and one employee was about to eat some of it. It was shrimp in some kind of sauce. Ray had eaten it before, so the employee asked him if it was any good. He said he didn’t care for it much, and then said the shrimp in her dish looked bad because they were glistening. She said they were in a sauce and he said the glisten wasn’t from the sauce, the shrimp were bad. And he “knows shrimp.” She ate it anyway, said it was delicious and she never got sick.

This past winter it was really nasty out, with snow and ice and record lows. I’m sure you dealt with it. One night when it was 30 below and icy out, I was on my way to the hotel when the road there was blocked off by the police. I went the detour and looked further down that road to see the fire department hanging out on the street. To me it looked as if a water main had frozen and burst. When I got to the hotel he was there and I brought it up to him, as small talk. He said something about how it was probably a hostage situation and how the swat team was there. He went on for a few minutes, and he was completely serious.

That’s because he loves the police and what they do. If he’s there when I’m there we frequently stand outside of the hotel and smoke a cigarette. If a cop drives by the hotel he always says, “Oh, they’re after somebody.” Because cops don’t just drive around, ever.

His wife has 2 kids from a previous relationship. Ray and her have one child together. They recently gave up custody of her first two kids because they couldn’t afford to take care of them. After they gave up custody, the two decided to have another kid and she is now currently pregnant with that second child.

One day he was telling me about how he was looking on the security camera and saw a girl sitting in a stairwell in the middle of the night, so he went to tell her she had to go to her room. When he got there she was masturbating and offered to give him oral pleasure. He turned her down and sent her to her room because she was only sixteen.

He’s told me several times about how he’s gone to rooms because of a noise complaint and discovered naked women wanting to have sex with him. He also busted a woman cheating on her husband, and then told the husband and watched their marriage end horribly, right there in the hotel.

A few months ago some boys were wrestling around in the lobby. He thought they were fighting, so he rushed over to them and put one boy in a choke hold.

One night recently I was standing at the front desk when a guest came up to the counter. She was a young Asian girl, probably in her mid-teens. She spoke in broken English and had a problem using her card to get into her room. This was in the middle of the night. Once she left, he asked me if I wanted to go outside for a smoke, so I went with him. Once we got outside he said, “That was terrible, a Japanese girl trying to pass off a Chinese accent. That didn’t get past me.” I responded with, “No, nothing gets past you.”

I really don’t even know where to go with that, or where to begin with how fucking stupid that is. I had no idea there was that much of a difference between Japanese and Chinese accents. Regardless, he continued, “She was cute though, I’d fuck her.” Did I mention he’s in his mid 30s? A minute later he said, “This time of night and she’s just getting back to her room. She was just in a boys room, having sex. I can tell. When she was standing at the front desk she was still shaking.”

I told the front desk girls about that, and they told me how that girl was part of a dance competition thing. They were having competitions nearby and a lot of the girls competing were staying at the hotel with their parents and coaches. Those girls range from ages 3 or 4 years old to 17. He said how those girls, because they’re dancers, are going to grow up to be strippers.

I found out the following night that he had no called, no showed. I found out the night after that he had quit his job finally. I’ll miss his goofy ass.

Not really.

The sad thing is, there are so many more stories of him and his dumbass sayings that I can’t remember. The only one that comes to mind is about the new Robocop movie. On June second he told me it was still in theaters and he was going to get it when it came out on DVD in August. That very night I went to Walmart and saw a big ad there for the movie and how you could get it there when it came out on DVD on June 3rd, which of course was the following day. Ugh.

All of this, of course, could be complete bullshit, as far as the stories he told. I don’t know if he and his wife got rid of her two children, or if they’re actually having a new baby. I don’t know if he’s actually delivering pizzas. He’s special that way.

So, who do you know that is fucking stupid? Are they worse than this guy? If so, I would LOVE to hear about their stupidity.

17 responses to “The Dumbest Guy I Know

  1. Um. Well, there’s our schizophrenic neighbor, so of course he says some crazy ass shit, but he’s kindly.
    Jake has a lot of relatives who literally believe the devil makes people do stuff. For instance, that door-opening Burmese python has the devil in him.
    We grew up with a guy who lied all the time, too. Last I heard, he was kinda homeless, sleepin the basement of a local church.
    All I can say is that they sure do teach us tolerance, and make for good blog topics.

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