I’m A Smooth Criminal

Apparently. About a week ago, maybe longer, I thanked the Loveland cops via Twitter for treating me like a criminal when I wasn’t doing anything wrong. It made me feel like I was in downtown Cincinnati. Ah, home.

Even more recently I was speaking with Joey about gated communities and I mentioned how I wouldn’t want to live anywhere that had guards because that’s too militant for me. And that reminded me of what happened in Loveland.

Joey, by the way, has a blog so awesome that upon starting it she already had more views and followers than I do currently, and she hadn’t even written anything yet. She also had two fan sites and a magazine, I think. She’s probably got her own cable network too. Check it out, it’s so awesome.

Anyway, what happened in Loveland wasn’t enough to warrant a blog piece initially, so that’s why I left it to Twitter and 140 characters. This is what happened.

I was working, delivering pizza. It was about 3:30 in the morning and I got a delivery to Loveland (surprise). For those of you who don’t know, Loveland is pretty nice. I love it, no pun intended. There are very few areas I deliver to that aren’t nice. Loveland is full of woods, nature, rivers, lakes, and nice homes. Their downtown area is a little historic district area that I love. Any time I get to deliver in Loveland I’m a happy guy. It’s awesome.

A perk about delivering in the area I deliver in is, the cops don’t mess with us if they know we’re delivering. I thought my co-workers were bullshitting me when they told me that, back when I first started. But it’s true. The cops around the area where I work are after drunk drivers and drug dealers. If they know we’re working, they know we’re not drunk, and probably not delivering drugs. So I drive around with a car topper on the top of my car, a big sign with my company’s logo, name, and phone number on it. Plus, I don’t speed and I stop completely at all stops. I follow all driving laws, and I try to all the time, not just at work.

On this particular night I had to go to a richy rich subdivision I had never been to before. I GPS’d my way to the customers house and followed it. When I got to the subdivision, I drove UNDER the posted speed limit of 25 and I made complete stops. Plus, you know, I was lost and wanted to make sure I got to where I needed to go.

I found the house and pulled in the drive. The customer, like many at that time of night, wanted me to call instead of knocking or ringing a doorbell. So I called and then got out of my car with the phone up to my ear. I looked behind me and there was a Loveland cop, stopped on the road directly behind me, effectively blocking me in. Apparently he had followed me all the way to the customers house from the beginning of the subdivision and I hadn’t noticed because I was trying to find the house and didn’t expect anybody to be behind me. Fifteen minutes it took to get to that house and that cop was the first person other than me I saw on the road. And he probably had his headlights off or he was staying a street behind while he followed me.

I got the order out of the back seat, in a delivery bag, which the cop watched me do, and I walked up to the front door and waited for the customer. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the cop drive down the street, use somebody’s driveway to turn around in, and pull over to the curb. He watched the entire exchange of money and pizza between me and my customer.

As I turned to leave, I noticed the officer sitting there next to the curb with his headlights off.

His headlights were off. Let me repeat myself. He turned his headlights off to stake me out. He stopped behind me in the driveway, had to see me see him because I looked right at him and then he pulled off. I knew he was there and there was no way he didn’t know that. BUT he turned his fucking headlights off.

I saw his break lights shining out behind his car and on the road. So he’s trying to be inconspicuous and failing hard. I also saw a tiny bit of steam coming from his tailpipe. Amazing work here, rookie.

I got in my car and headed out. As expected, as soon as I got out of the driveway he turned his headlights on and got behind me. Right behind me. So close I couldn’t see his headlights behind me. And that’s where he stayed until I left his subdivision. As I headed down the main road I looked in my rear view and saw him sit there for a minute, I’m sure to watch me, to make sure I didn’t sneak back in to napalm the place, and then he turned around and went back into the subdivision.

If I lived there and that asshole was watching over my area, I’d be pissed. I know of a few other areas that have their own officer patrol their area at night, and I get that, that’s fine. But this douche needs to have his ass kicked once or twice with his own baton.

I had a car topper on with my business on it. I got out of the car wearing my work uniform and the cop watched me hand pizza boxes over to the customer. I was quite obviously a Columbian drug lord scoping the area to see what houses I wanted to burn down and steal diamonds and babies from.

What the fuck? Only once before have I felt like a criminal after dealing with police, and it was with a Cincinnati cop, and that makes sense. This is my first real dealing with a Loveland cop and now, I don’t like Loveland so much.

Mason police have all been amazingly nice every time I’ve had the pleasure of dealing with them. The same with Deerfield Township Sheriffs and even the State Troopers who patrol the area are nice. Loveland? Fuck them. One rookie officer ruined it for everybody.

And that’s why I would never want to live in a gated community, or a place with a guard patrolling the area constantly. Because people with guns and power are typically assholes. Not all, to be sure, but I’ve known plenty who get off on the fact that they have a gun.

And I’m sure that particular officer was bored that night. Nothing going on, nothing to do… suddenly there’s a reason to leave his post and see what’s going on. So he followed me. Fine. But to wait for me to leave so he could MAKE FUCKING SURE I LEFT, and to shut his fucking headlights off for a stake out while being completely visible and only about 40-50 yards away from me, fucking retarded. Seriously. That’s going one step beyond. That’s like deciding to run across a football field in the middle of a game just to be an asshole, but then deciding to do it naked to be that much more of an asshole.

Just last night I had an officer drive by me while I was at a customers house at 2:30 in the morning. Same scenario. The officer drove by and turned around, only he drove by again and left. He had to, he was on a dead end street. That was it. I appreciated that. He saw what I was doing and that was that. He didn’t have a huge raging boner he had to jack off while licking his badge, so he didn’t have to sit with his headlights off and watch me from not-so-afar.

I fucking hate stupid cops, and it’s those few who give the rest a bad name. I hope Loveland is proud of that officer. In fact, I know they are. That’s why they stuck him with that bullshit detail.

HAHAHAHA OFFICER SUCKYPANTS!!! YOU SUCK!!!

5 responses to “I’m A Smooth Criminal

  1. Only you could make this sound funny…raging boner…jacking off…licking his badge…Bahahaha and Ew.

    Seriously though, what a prick. He’s probably the guy who would pee himself if a real criminal showed up, so he had to make himself feel important trying to intimidate the pizza delivery guy.

    I used to do security for an apartment complex and would help delivery people find their customers (this was before GPS). The only thing that made me laugh was when I caught my former classmates underage drinking (we were 18). They asked if I was going to bust them. I never did, but I made the adult keep the drinking inside where I couldn’t see it.

    • I’m sure that’s what it was, about the cop. I’m sure he’s one of those guys who walks with his chest stuck out and the stick wedged permanently up his ass.

  2. First of all, thanks for the shout out! x
    As a former pizza delivery person, and as a female, I would have freaked out. In fact, I would have told the resident, and called the police. No kidding. That’s harassment!
    But you’re a man, and you’re not neurotic like that, so that’s cool, that he didn’t sneak up on you and abduct, rape and murder you.
    Also, this? “He didn’t have a huge raging boner he had to jack off while licking his badge,” LMAO!

    • Very little scares me on a delivery, even at 3 in the morning in the middle of the woods. Except for that time I was tipped in eggs. I literally thought they were going to murderize me. Other than that I typically feel pretty safe. I’m a big guy, so I think I intimidate more than anything. Besides, I deliver to really nice neighborhoods and to a lot of really nice people. It’s a strange change of pace for me, even after almost a year, but it’s nice.

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