Delivery Tales: Frontin’

I delivered the other night to a hotel room and when I knocked on the door I heard a commotion inside, and then a man speaking to someone else, apparently just after looking at me through the peep hole.

“That’s the pizza guy! Damn, that was quick!”

Then I heard some more commotion and I’m pretty sure I heard him say “hold on” to whomever he was talking to before the door opened. What I saw was a classic example of “frontin’,” or for those of you not hip to the street lingo from the mid 80s to now, “being fake.”

I held my laugh in and tried to play it cool the best I could. I think I pulled it off, I didn’t act as if I knew he was frontin’ completely, so I hope that helped his ego out a bit. I don’t know if he was seriously trying to do what he did or if it was just a joke to him, but either way it was hilarious.

Here’s what happened. When the door opened I saw a black man standing there in kind of a “hard thug” stance. I’ll let LL Cool J display sort of what it was I was seeing. LL…

"You're paying me in pizza for this, right?"

“You’re paying me in pizza for this, right?”

Thanks buddy. So I see him standing there, for the most part just like that, and he says to me all chill n shit, “What up?”

This is where I wanted to laugh but didn’t. Because I had just heard him on the other side of the door having a normal conversation with someone else and having excitement in his voice. So I responded as delightfully as I could, “Nothing man, how’s it going?”

He slowly nodded and just before he responded he added in an extra loud smack with his mouth. “*smack* Nuttin’.”

Just then I saw his girlfriend poke her head around the corner and she was this really cute white girl who didn’t look thuggish at all. She smiled and turned to head back into the room from the bathroom with what looked like folded clothes and she began dealing with them on one of the beds. In my mind I literally thought if he were acting like a regular person and not frontin’, I bet they were a really cute couple. As it was, he was making an ass of himself and the way she carried herself through the room showed me that she was letting him have his fun, but she was probably the one who controlled the relationship. Cracked me up.

So I got the pizza out of the bag and told him how much it was. The entire time he’s standing there in that stance. When I mentioned the price, he nodded, faster this time, made that same lip smack and followed it with “Word” and began flipping through his bank roll, which happened to just be a few bills. He handed me a twenty which covered the order and began flipping through the rest of his bills. All singles.

This is why I thought it was all a joke, but I went along with it with a huge smile on my face. If he was going to play it up, I was too.

He half turns and leans back on the door frame. “Hey baby, should I tip him?” This, like everything else he’s said, has been with a hint of thug in his voice, a little street making its appearance, which again, was not what I heard before he opened the door. Without looking around and still dealing with the laundry she says, “Uh, yeah!”

He nods again and once again smacks his lips and says “Word.” While counting his massive bank roll of a few singles he says, “How much?” She didn’t look up this time either and says, “However much you want, I don’t care.”

Lip smack. “Word.”

He flips through the bills again and hands me over two dollars. With that huge smile I took the money and thanked him. He flipped his hand over and had another dollar bill gripped firmly in it. “Here, take this too.”

Again I thanked him with a huge smile on my face and took the dollar. I backed away from the door bowing to him like an old Chinese man might bow away from someone. I told him to have a good night and he responded with that lip smack and “Word.”

I didn’t hear it, but I’m sure as soon as the door was closed he giggled and screamed “PIZZA!!!” like a school girl.

6 responses to “Delivery Tales: Frontin’

  1. Damn good for holding your composure. I’m freaking laughing my ass off. Wow.

  2. What a character. I can’t say I’ve ever experienced that. Must be a man-to-man thing, like that chin-up shit.

    • Yeah, apparently. What’s really funny about it is, it isn’t even that kind of area. I don’t know where he thought he was, but in that neighborhood his front isn’t a regular thing.

  3. Word. Does anyone really say that anymore? I mean, I do, but just as a joke. I don’t ACTUALLY talk like that.

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