Delivery Tales: Bring Out The Dicks

This week my store is doing a pizza giveaway to bring in more customers and to get our name out to the masses. This is good on many levels, because we’ll get more business from it, we already have, and we’ll make more money from said business. Plus, 5000 customers are getting a free large pizza with whatever they want on it. The other day a guy used his free pizza coupon to get a large with every topping we had on it. That’s 24 toppings. The pizza weighed just under what I weigh, and it was a few inches thick. I’m sure one slice was a meal. Had he not used the coupon it would have cost $42, and we’re a relatively inexpensive company.

Naturally there are some side effects to this. While we gather a bunch of awesome new customers, we also deal with a lot of new assholes. This week I’ve had my share already, and it’s not a good week for me to begin with, so my buttons are being pushed. Last Friday I had to drop $1500 of money I don’t have to fix my car only to find out my brakes needed replaced, which I had done today for $800. That’s even more money I don’t have, and I still have about $1000 worth of work that needs to get done. So this week has sucked completely, yet I’m trying to keep my head up. The fact that I’m a team player and excellent at customer service is starting to not be enough to keep my asshole side from coming out and either telling these dick stains off or beating the fuck out of them. If ever there needed to be a real Miraculous Man, now would be the time.

With these free pizzas, customers can either pick up the pizza or have it delivered. Those who choose to have it delivered have to pay a delivery fee of $2. I was on the phone with one guy earlier this week and after he placed his order, for just the free large, I told him his total would be just $2 for delivery. He waited a brief moment and then said with a huff, “Fine.” Never mind that it says on the coupon that a delivery fee may apply. He obviously didn’t read that.

As luck would have it I had to take that delivery. I handed him the pizza and he handed me a five dollar bill… and wanted his three dollars back. I guess $2 is too much for a large pizza with whatever he wanted on it delivered hot and fresh directly to him.

I had one guy pay his $2 fee in a handful of change. Another driver had a customer pay in pennies, unrolled. Obviously a tip was not included.

The other night I had another free pizza delivery. Before I got to the porch I could hear an awesome drum solo going on inside. I stood on the porch and listened with a smile on my face as whoever it was inside kicked some ass. I could feel the drums vibrating the porch. And then the rest of the band kicked in and rocked it out. I was impressed. The customer was in an awesome band and they were jamming hard in the living room. And then I heard the singer… Robert Plant. There wasn’t a band inside jamming, the customer was watching an old Led Zeppelin concert on DVD and had it up so loud I literally thought a band was inside the house jamming. Suddenly I wasn’t so happy. Because I realized the customer wasn’t going to hear me knocking and there was no doorbell. I knocked so hard my knuckles throbbed and I feared splitting them open. So I beat on the door with my fist so hard I thought the glass in the door was going to shatter. I tried calling them, but naturally they couldn’t hear their phone and SURPRISE! Their voice mail was full. I looked at their total, $2, and decided it wasn’t worth it. I dropped the pizza on the porch in front of their door and left.

Understand, if I take a free pizza to somebody and they don’t tip, I get $1. Do you think that’s paying my bills or even covering the gas it takes me to get there and back? This guy didn’t even pay that. Lucky for me my boss freed out their order completely so I didn’t owe that $1 at the end of the night. They eventually called wondering where the delivery guy was. My boss told them to look on their porch. They said they felt bad and apologized to him, but their feelings aren’t paying my bills either. Fucking morons.

And if you think being happy I didn’t owe $1 at the end of the night is sad, you’re right. It IS sad. So very sad. And if it weren’t sad enough that they’re not tipping, they’re also being dicks.

Tonight I was on the phone with a guy who was very pissed off, for whatever reason, and he took it out on me. Naturally I was nice on the phone and gave him no reason to be pissed at me, but man did he hate talking to me. This wasn’t for a free pizza, thankfully, cause he didn’t deserve one. He deserved to have his face shattered though. This is how the call went.

I got his number and his info popped up on my monitor. I asked if the name on my screen was him and he said it was. He then immediately went into his order, not giving me time to verify his address. He told me he wanted one of our specials called The Big Ten, which comes with a large one topping, bread sticks and two drinks for $15. He then told me how he wanted his pizza made, angrily, and said that was all he wanted. I then asked him if he wanted the bread sticks or the drinks and he said no. So I said, “Then you don’t want the Big Ten, you just want a pizza.” He told me again that was all he wanted. He then said he was going to pay with a credit card and just began saying the card number, before I could say I was ready or anything. I told him to hang on, then verified his address. When I asked if the apartment number was correct I heard nothing. I thought he hung up on me so I said “Sir?” His response was, “I SAID YES!” I told him I hadn’t heard him and then said I was ready for his credit card number. He flew through it. Finally I asked for the billing zip code and he mumbled it so I just typed in five random numbers because I wasn’t going to have him repeat anything. My screen changed to a delivery time, telling me everything was fine, so I told him everything was fine and that it would only be 30 to 40 minutes. Shocked, he asked if the card had gone through. I instantly thought it was stolen, but whatever. As soon as I said it had gone through he hung up on me.

Earlier in the night I had a delivery to a hospital. We deliver there all the time. Sometimes we have to go to the ER, which is open 24 hours of course, but a lot of the time they tell us to meet them at the main entrance to the hospital, which is locked at night. Before we get there we call the customer to tell them we’re close so they can meet us. My delivery was to the main entrance, so I called the number that they had given us when they ordered and got a message saying how that number was used for the hospital to send out messages to patients, but it didn’t actually go to anybody, and how I should hang up and call another number without actually giving me another number. Because I had no other way of getting in touch with the customer aside from entering the hospital via the ER and walking around the entire place, I had to sit it out. I did go to the ER and ask a nurse if she could somehow find the customer. I gave the customer name and she asked around but nobody had heard of that name. I then went back to the main entrance, figuring that at some point they would come looking for their food. I called my boss to tell him what was up and he gave me another number to try, so I tried it. The nurse who answered did some searching and found nothing but gave me another number, so I called it. That nurse did a whole lot of searching but found nothing. Finally I saw people walking to the entrance, so I got out of the car and asked if they were the person I was looking for. They said they had never heard of that name, but said they had ordered. They were who I was looking for. When I said the number they gave me wasn’t a good number, the guy told the lady that it wasn’t a good number and how she shouldn’t give it out. Amazingly, I never said what number it was. So if he knew what number she gave us, and knew that number wasn’t a good one to give out, why did he let her use it? Also, the bad name I had for the order, as it turns out, was two first names put together by the guy who took the order, only he didn’t put “and” between the names. The people I dealt with were those two names, yet when I said the name I had, they said they had no idea who I was talking about. These are medical professionals, people. They may have big, nice University degrees, but their common sense has flat-lined. Oh, and for giving me the run around and making me wait ten minutes, they tipped me seventy-eight cents.

Here’s the thing with pizza delivery. The harder it is to find a customer or to get to a customer, the less likely you’ll get a good tip. Seriously. I say this with confidence after 5 years of delivering pizza. If you have to jump through hoops to get the customer their order, you’ll get no tip, probably 95% of the time. The same goes for those customers who live farthest away from the store. The more gas you use to get them their food, the less money they’re going to tip you. Again, I say this with confidence. There are exceptions in both respects, but not nearly enough.

Another incident tonight was to a hotel. No room number, just the hotel name and the customer name. When I got there I asked the front desk guy if it was for him and he said it wasn’t. I called the number on the order and spoke with the customer and got his room number. Seriously, if you’re staying in a hotel and you call a pizza place and order food for delivery… do I really need to type it out here? GIVE YOUR FUCKING ROOM NUMBER.

I seriously, SERIOUSLY, despite all incidents that prove otherwise, still expect humans to be smart. Yet I’m constantly reminded they’re not. I mean, you really have to be a stupid mother fucker to do some of the shit I encounter on a regular basis. Yet people do it all the time easily, and get away with it. Nobody is telling them to stop being dumbasses. Nobody is stepping up and putting foots in asses. Red Forman, where the hell are you?!

I don’t know how much more of this shit I can take. I really need to be medicated again, or to be taken out of the general population. I would have no problem living on the government’s dime if I could just never be around the general public again, like, this is getting to be so severe to me that I might have to apply for disability. I fucking hate them all. It’s not hard to think, I do it regularly and rather easily. Why is it such a fucking chore for other people?

10 responses to “Delivery Tales: Bring Out The Dicks

  1. Ugh. People are truly morons. It sucks that you had to deal with that shit. I can only hope karma or whatever the fuck comes back to bite their sorry asses.

  2. I soooo feel you on this. And from the medical field stupidity— just know, being IN IT, that was nothing!!!! I hate people. Seriously, put me on an island with internet access and never ending laptop batteries, I’m good to go. Oh, and FYI— my pizza delivery drivers here fight to deliver to me… I’m a great tipper!!! Especially when you bring it to my casa and I don’t have to get my ass out in public!!!

    • I’m with you. I hate people more than life itself. Or wait… yeah. I tell my wife all the time if I win the lottery I’m buying an island and I’m moving to it. And I mean it. I’ve looked them up and priced them and everything. Fuck people. As far as drivers fighting for your order, I’m with you on that as well. What people don’t realize is, the better you are to the driver, the better your service will be. If you piss the drivers off, you’re going to get your shit later and later. The box might be shaken up, the pizza might be fucked up. Who knows. We only deliver fountain drinks. You know how easy it would be for me to stir my finger around in their drink before I deliver it? I just don’t understand why people would knowingly and willingly piss a delivery guy off.

      • Agreed!!!!! It’s like pissing off waitstaff except for a delivery driver does not have a single person to catch him doing anything!!! Or everything! “Tea?” Sure pal! Tea fucking bagged! Enjoy your meal!!! Lol! Plus, PLUS, delivery drivers BRING IT TO YOUR HOUSE!!!!! Are you kidding me???? Hell yes I’m willing to tip extremely well for that shit!!!!!!! I’m the fucking conductor of the lazy train! Don’t think if they delivered anything I ever wanted to my door, I wouldn’t be 500+ lbs and happy about it!!!!

      • LOL yup. Well, I guess I’m close to 500 pounds and I don’t get shit delivered to me, so that’s probably a good thing. I mean, I’m closer to 500 than I am to not 500. Regardless, yes, some people get it and some don’t. Those who don’t should be throat punched with a shovel.

  3. Pingback: Delivery Tales: The Good | Beefy's House o' Fun

  4. Same with serving. I always made good tips at pizza, but when I was a waitress, I found out quickly that whenever two old women met for hours over coffee or tea, there would be no tip. Of course, they don’t care that they’re occupying your table, which could have sat another 4-5 meals and made you $30-40…They truly don’t know. People don’t think like that.
    Whenever we go out as a clan, like the ten to fifteen of us, my husband and I, as well as his sister, leave extra tip money, because we know. We know we took up three tables and most of the server’s time.

  5. Ugh. Just ugh. This is why I’m thankful I no longer work with people on a daily basis.

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