Delivery Tales: Ordering Pizza For Delivery

I always thought getting pizza delivered to you was a simple procedure. And really, it is. But over the years that I’ve been delivering pizza, I’ve noticed that some people just don’t get it. And if you can’t get this, I can only imagine what the rest of your worthless life is like.

Here’s a handy go-to guide to help you order pizza for delivery. If you stray from this, you’re either a fucking idiot, a fucking asshole, or both. Neither isn’t an option.

Here’s the quick list.

1. Call the pizza place or order online if they offer it.
2. Give them your info. Name, phone number, address.
3. Give them your order.
4. Wait. If it’s at night, turn on your porch light.
5. Pay the driver, tip the driver.
6. Enjoy your food.

That’s pretty fucking easy, right? Apparently not.

1. Call the pizza place or order online if they offer it.
Most pizza companies offer online ordering now. If you like to use that option, then use the list above to help you. Typically on the phone you’ll get walked through the process by the person who answers. But online you don’t have anybody to hold your hand.

Also know that really, you should probably call if it’s an option. Ordering online can be a pain in the ass. No matter how good the online ordering function is, things can happen. For instance, one night my shop ran out of thin crust. Someone placed an online order and wanted thin crust. So guess what… we had to call the customer to tell them. Their phone worked. It was amazing. Had they just called the order in, all of that would have been handled immediately.

Another time someone ordered online because, as the note said on their order, they had no minutes on their phone for calling, so they had to order online. Should we need to contact them, text them. Turns out we had to contact them, so we texted. And texted. And texted. Never got a response. I recognized the address but not the name, so I quickly found a previous order to that address. I called the guy on that order and it turned out to be the roommate of the person ordering with no minutes. They were sitting next to each other. THE ONE GUY HAD MINUTES ON HIS PHONE. Are you seeing the issue here? I so fucking hope you are.

If you can call the order in, just do it.

2. Give them your info. Name, phone number, address.
This should be the easiest part of the entire process. You know your name, your phone number and your address, right? It doesn’t help anybody if you don’t. Get that info before you call. Write it down if you have to. Save it for future orders. But know it before you call.

Here’s some secret info that nobody could ever possibly fucking know… pizza places are busy. They’re businesses. When you call to place an order and you have no idea what you’re doing, you’re taking valuable time from the person who answered. They might have other shit they need to do, like deliver a pizza, or pull pizzas out of the oven to cut them and box them for someone else. I’ve taken very big orders from people and had the call take no longer than a minute. Typically short orders are done in 20 to 30 seconds. I’ve also been on the phone with people who wanted one pepperoni pizza delivered and it took 10 minutes. Make it quick people.

Do you know how many times I’ve had people call and not know the address? Typically it’s because they’re staying at a hotel or they’re at a friends house and don’t know the address, and that’s fine. But again, get all of that before you call and have it on stand-by.

This seriously happened just the other day, and sadly it’s not rare.

ME: Where are we delivering this?
GUY: We’re in the Orchard of Landen, over by the Kroger.

For those who don’t know, the Orchard of Landen is many subdivisions of upper class apartments, condos and townhouses. There’s probably a couple thousand people who live there. What I wanted to say to the guy immediately after he said that is, “So we’re supposed to drive around screaming your name until you run out of your place and flag us down?” I didn’t because you know, I can put up with a lot before I start being a smart ass.

Essentially, this is the conversation that happened:

ME: Where are we delivering this?
GUY: Ohio.

If we don’t get an address, you’re not getting your food. End of discussion. I hope you used your credit card to pay, because that’s money we made for doing nothing. Thank you, call again.

I’ve also had people tell me the name of their apartment complex, or just the name of the street they’re on, and even the address of their apartment but not the apartment number. I also once had someone give me their apartment number but not the buildings address. I bet these people don’t get much mail.

There’s a flip side to this. Don’t give me too much info. Just tell me where I can find you the easiest and in the least amount of steps. An order came in from the website and it was to a shitty no-tell motel we deliver all too much to. Instead of putting down the name of the motel, the motel’s address and the room number they were in, they put the address and this:

“Back parking lot, last building on the left, top floor facing parking lot. Room #234”

What does this not say? The name of the motel. They spent their time thinking about where their room was located and then typed it all out, when all they had to put was the name of the motel, the address, and the room number. Hell, for that motel I don’t even need an address, as long as I know I’m going there. It’s the only one with its name.

Also, I’ve fucking been there before. Just give me the god damn room number. I know how to get to it. If you’re going to go all out, why didn’t you include directions out of the parking lot where my pizza place is, and turn by turn directions to the motel? I need to know how many steps I’m going to take from my car to your door, and just what parking space to park in.

All I’m saying is, it’s simple shit. Why make it more complicated than it has to be?

I had another internet order about a week ago where there was this note on the order:

“Please come to the front door.”

You don’t say. You don’t want me to go around back, scale your privacy fence and then knock on the back door? You’re sure you don’t want me climbing the side of your place like a fat Spiderman and crawl in through a window? The front door? Man, I’m not used to that but I’m sure I can figure it out once I get there.

I think the biggest concern for business orders is, let us know what business. Like with the motel. Tell us the motel name and we’ll know exactly where we’re going. I had an order to a grocery store. Instead of saying they were at Kroger, they just gave us the address. When I drove up and down the street twice and realized there was no buildings that would have an address on that road, I stopped at the grocery store and realized that’s where I had to go, just by happenstance. They were lucky I stopped, otherwise the order wasn’t going to get delivered.

3. Give them your order.
It’s fine to ask about specials, but other than that you should have some idea of what it is you want to order when you call. I had some lady call once and ask if we were still delivering, and when I said we were, she then moved away from the phone and asked people what they wanted. Seriously? You didn’t do that first? She didn’t ask for specials, so she could have easily gotten the order before calling.

4. Wait. If it’s at night, turn on your porch light.
It shouldn’t have to be said, like the entire rest of this article, but of course it does. If you live in a house and you have a working porch light, make sure you turn it on at night when you order pizza for delivery. This is actually a two-parter. The only real reason we need your porch light to be on is to see your address. If you don’t have a visible address, you should fix that shit. Seriously. The Fire Department reminds us of this every year. Your address should always be visible, always. If there’s an emergency, or god forbid you order pizza for delivery at night, and those coming to your house can’t see the address, you’re just going to have to wait for whatever it is you have coming to you. Think about that if you need an ambulance or a fire truck or a large extra cheese.

Fucking seriously.

Fucking seriously.

Never mind if you have no visible address at night. If your light is on and we’re coming down your street and by odd chance your porch light is the only one on, we have a pretty good idea where to start looking. But if it’s not on… I’ve literally been to streets where every porch light was on except for the house I was going to. Multiple times. It would be nice to think they left theirs off because they realized the situation and tried to make it easier for me. It would be nice to think that, but I don’t.

As for waiting, when you plan on ordering pizza for dinner, do it when you’re at where the food is going to be delivered and don’t leave. Don’t order it on your way there, don’t order it and then go out for gas or smokes or something to drink. Don’t leave. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve delivered an order only to find the people weren’t there when I got there. So I call them only to find out they stepped out and they’d be right back. If I have another order, I’m taking it and now you’re going to wait longer for your stuff. If not, I FUCKING HATE standing there waiting for you. Because “right back” could mean in 20 minutes. I got more deliveries back at the store to take. I’m losing money because you’re an asshole. Don’t fucking leave.

I delivered to a hotel one night. Got to the room and knocked. Knocked again and again. Finally I called. “Oh, we’re down at the pool. I thought I’d see you when you walked by.” When I had walked in to the hotel I walked past the pool and there was a kid swimming. That was it. No adults, no woman who I talked to on the phone, nobody but the kid. So naturally she wasn’t even there when I came in. She left her room AND the pool. She left twice. It’s a good thing she tipped me. And when this happens I almost always hear, “the guy who took my order said it would take 30 to 40 minutes, so…”

Here’s the thing. When we quote you a delivery time, it’s a guess, mostly to save our asses. Unless you’re a block away, the quickest time you’ll be quoted is 30 to 40 minutes. It takes 6 minutes for the oven to cook your pizza (at our store, I can’t say for other places). Usually the guy who makes the food is looking over my shoulder when I’m taking the order and when I put something on your order, he runs and makes it while I’m still on the phone with you. I’ve actually had some orders made, cooked, boxed, and ready to go as I hung up the phone with the customer. That means I told them 30 to 40 minutes and thanked them for calling, hung up with them, and then left the store with their order.

One time in particular I took an order that was going right up the street for a large pepperoni and bread sticks. A previous order that was the same exact thing was coming out of the oven before I hung up the phone. I took that food to that customer so I could come back and take the order that was made first with another order that still had to be made. I literally got to the delivery 4 minutes after I hung up the phone with them. And the previous order? They got their food on time too, and they had no idea it had actually been made once before and taken to someone else.

I hear all the time, “Wow, you’re fast!” That looks good on us, but that’s not what we’re trying to go for. We tell you 30 to 40 minutes to save our asses in case of traffic, or a wreck, or my car breaks down, or I can’t find your house, or whatever. In all actuality, it’s only going to be 10 to 15 minutes before you have your food, depending on how close to the store you live. So when you order, don’t fucking leave.

If this helps drive the point home, several times I’ve had a customer order and then not be where they told me to deliver to. And they paid with a credit or debit card so the order was already paid for when I left the store with it. When they didn’t answer their door or their phone, I left the food at their door step with a copy of their receipt and I left. This was during winter, when it was below zero out. I wonder how hot their food was when they finally got to it. Sure I don’t get a tip that way, but the knowledge that they’d have an ice block for a pizza was all the tip I needed.

5. Pay the driver, tip the driver.
This is important. The entire thing. Obviously you have to pay for your order or you don’t get it. But you really should tip the driver.

Consider this… if your order is late, chances are pretty fucking good it isn’t the driver’s fault. I said earlier I can put up with a lot before I turn into a smart ass, but this isn’t one of those times. I will tell you what you need to hear if you say the ultimate of idiotic things, “You’re late.”

My response is always the same. “No, I’m not. Your order is, and for that I apologize. But I left the store with your order ten minutes ago. I haven’t been driving around with it for the last hour. If you have an issue with how late your order is, call the store and get a credit. But it’s not my fault, and it never will be.”

The thing is, this is the age of the cell phone. If I get pulled over or my car breaks down or any other number of things happens while I’m on my way to your house, and I’m going to be late with your order, I’ll fucking call you and tell you. If I’m having trouble finding your house, I’ll call to get better directions. And if I’m having an exceptionally good day I might actually call to apologize for your order being late and to let you know I now have it and am on my way so you can stop wondering just what in the fuck is going on with your food. That last one doesn’t happen often enough, but where I work now, unless I took the order, I have no idea what time you were quoted. I don’t know if they told you it would be 30 to 40 minutes or if they said it would be an hour. And, I don’t know how long it has been at the store before it was given to me. So when I get to your house, I can only assume that I’m on time. If your order is late, question why it is late. Don’t say I’m late. Fuck you, I’m never late.

Back to the tip. Tip the fucking driver. If you don’t have the money to give the guy a lonely dollar, you don’t have enough to order pizza. Go get a box of macaroni and cheese and the makings of a bologna sandwich, you broke bitch. I’m not working for my health. And I don’t get paid enough to do this shit for free. I actually get paid less than minimum wage per hour to deliver pizzas, because the pizza place I work for is under the assumption that you’re going to be grateful enough to slide an extra buck or two my way. All I expect out of the deal is a buck or two. If you’re generous enough to give more, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. Seriously. All drivers do. And we thank you.

But we have bills to pay. That’s why we’re working. And the job is a tipping service, like being a waitress or a towel guy in a richy rich bathroom. Even though the place where I work doesn’t have a delivery fee, I used to work for another place that had one, and I’d hear all the time from customers that they weren’t going to tip me because they had to pay a delivery fee. And they were all under the assumption that I got that delivery fee.

Hey asshole, guess what. We don’t get that. We might get a piece of that, but we don’t get the whole thing. The place I used to work for told me that it was to cover the insurance they had to have for us. I know that’s bullshit, because I had been in an accident once while working and my insurance covered it, not the pizza place.

The delivery fee is, seriously, just so the pizza place can make more money off of you for doing less for you. They don’t have to see you when you come in, they don’t have to have a front desk worker to greet you and get your money. They just make the pizza and send it out with the driver. And then you pay them a fee for that.

Some of that delivery fee goes to pay the driver’s gas or commission. SOME of it. Consider this. At the last place, our delivery fee was $2.50 per delivery. I made only about 6% commission on each order I took out, or 6 cents per dollar spent. So if the order was $10 (it never was) I would make an incredible 60 cents commission. To make that entire $2.50, the order would have to be $41. All of the food at that place was expensive, but the orders weren’t that much almost all of the time.

I’ve heard another place gives their drivers 25 cents per mile driven. That’s actually pretty awesome, but their delivery range was only 6 miles from the store. Their delivery fee is $3 per delivery. You can do the math there. And I’m sure not every delivery was the entire 6 miles out.

I’m lucky now where I work. We don’t have a delivery fee, so it’s nice to throw that in peoples faces if I have to, but so far I haven’t had to. I haven’t had one person say anything about that to me since I’ve been with this place. That’s not because everybody knows, it’s actually because nobody gives a shit. I make good money at this place. The average tip is $5, but I get more than that regularly. My biggest tip so far was $40 and that was on a $25 order. I enjoy it.

You non-tippers are probably scoffing now. Yeah, that was a good night. Last night I worked for 4 hours and made $45 in tips and commission (my commission now is 5%). I effectively made about $17 per hour last night. BUT, I went home with $3 in my pocket, because I put it all in my gas tank. I’ll get my paycheck Friday and have about $100 on it for a week’s worth of work. I literally live paycheck to paycheck. So if you don’t tip me, you’re helping me not pay a bill. Thanks, I don’t need heat or electricity now that it’s 20 degrees or less at night outside.

One last thing and I’ll let this go. I know a non-tipper will always be a non-tipper, and those who tip well have probably held a job like this before and get it. Nothing I say is going to change a non-tippers mind. But this last thing is for you non-tippers. Don’t pay for the order with no intention of giving a tip and then say, “I’m sorry I can’t tip you, I’m a little short this time. But I’ll get you next time.” Don’t say that or any variation of it. If you’re not going to tip, don’t tip and leave it at that. Don’t rub it in our face. Guess what. I’m not the only driver at the place where I work. The next time you order you might not get me. That is to say that you actually mean it when you say you’ll get me next time, because we all know you have no intention of getting me next time.

If you have the balls to say you’ll tip me next time, then expect the driver to have the balls to tell you to suck their nuts.

If you don’t tip me enough times, I’ll remember you and I’ll deliver to you accordingly. Then and only then will I purposefully be late delivering your food. If I’m not going to get a tip, then why bother being on time, right? Oops, I accidentally dropped your pizza on the ground and stepped on the box. Sorry I shook up your 2 liter before giving it to you. Why would you want to piss off someone who handles your food? Years ago some dude working at a Domino’s somewhere was caught ejaculating his semen onto pizzas and then customers were eating it. Think about that shit the next time you don’t tip, you worthless fuck.

Fucking seriously.

Fucking seriously.

6. Enjoy your food.
Enjoy it, or don’t fucking order it, ever. We have a regular customer who bitches 95% of the time she orders. Her order is never right. Something is always wrong. She’s always getting discounts or credits. Yet she always orders from us.

To make matters worse, this bitch takes 10 minutes to place an order. Yeah, she’s the one I was talking about earlier. Except her orders are a little worse than a large pepperoni pizza. She’s got all kinds of special instructions for her pizzas. And then when you fuck one tiny thing up out of the 50 things you had to do to make her order perfect, she calls and bitches.

Out of all of the orders she’s placed since I’ve started with this company, I finally took my first delivery to her the other night. I had also taken the call when she ordered, and we were extremely busy and I had other customers waiting on me and she spoke as slow as she could and asked questions that weren’t important at-fucking-all.

ME: Where are we delivering this?
HER: And who am I speaking to?

WHAT THE HOLY EVER LOVING FUCK DOES IT MATTER YOU FUCKING CUNT?! Give me your fucking info and let’s move on with our lives!

When I got to her I was expecting the worst. I didn’t get it, but I was treated to this. She opens the box and says how she’s just going to take a look before I go, as if I could do anything for her there. As if she were to find something wrong, I could clap my hands and *POOF* her order would magically be fixed. So I stand there and watch as she opens the box and looks in, then mumbles, “Well, you’re a little skimpy on the mushrooms, but otherwise it looks good, so it’s good.”

“YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!” I screamed in my mind, just slightly higher than my voice can actually go in real life. A little skimpy on the mushrooms? You nit-picky bitch. I bet she lives with more than 4 cats. I’d love to know her full name, so one day when I see it in the obituary column I can rejoice.

That’s it. It’s simple. Follow that list above when ordering pizza for delivery and everything will be fine. Next time I may write an article on how to be a good delivery driver. Honestly, this is one of the easiest jobs in the world. How some people can’t do it correctly worries me.

The moral of the story here is, don’t be a fucking idiot. It really isn’t hard at all to order pizza for delivery and have everything go smoothly. At all. If this is something that you can’t make happen without difficulty, you’re a failure. Not us, you.

10 responses to “Delivery Tales: Ordering Pizza For Delivery

  1. So sad that you had to print this at all. Put the fucking porch light on…the extra 30-40 mins is not going to.bankrupt you. Now I’m craving a deep dish pizza with extra mushrooms and green peppers, damnit.

  2. Rantriffic. I agree, the “I-live-in-one-of-the-sixteen-housing-additions-by-Kroger” people are the worst. I’ve always lived in easy to find places, EXCEPT on the Army base. (And there’s no GPS on Army bases…)
    Most of the city thinks my street is only on one side of a main street. I mean, my fil has lived in this community for almost 60 years, and he never knew my side of the street existed, so I mention that to people. “Across from X, not on the same side as X.”
    I never had anyone check their pizza first. I cannot relate. I think I’d lose my mind.
    I got great tips. Least I ever made in a night was $30. Cute little girls in barn jackets prolly get tipped better.

  3. I’ve dealt with people like this in every job I’ve ever had. Needy and stupid.

  4. I didn’t realize pizza delivery guys were so angry. Or maybe I did. I used to do it every so often in college. I’d think you would enjoy the online ordering process as it provides you less of an opportunity to get held up on the phone with an idiot.

    • To be fair, the company I work for has a terrible online ordering system. Each store has something different wrong. For us, every order that comes in says the customer doesn’t want cheese on their pizza. And when they order, they tell us that it says online that we are currently out of cheese. Because we have some customers who do order no cheese, we have to call every internet order back just to make sure they want cheese. I could go on and on about our online ordering, but I won’t. It’s just really completely fucked and needs to be redone in a bad way. And not just that, our entire computer system is terrible. So personally, I’d rather every order come in online, but because it’s such a headache, it’s actually better for us and the customer if we talked to them on the phone. Unfortunately the customers don’t know this.

      • Well that makes sense. Want me to revamp your computer system?

      • LOL I don’t care who does it, it just needs to get done. But I’m not the owner of the company, I’m just a delivery guy. I don’t have a say in the matter. Apparently we have people who work for our company who do that sort of stuff. But they fail at it, hard.

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