Delivery Tales: The Stunner

Exactly one week after I was given farm fresh eggs as a tip for delivering pizza, I was given a delivery back to Loveland, once again at 3:30 in the morning. Only this time I was going the farthest away from the store I have gone yet. The egg story delivery was only about ten minutes away from the store on regular roads. This particular delivery was twenty minutes away on the highway, yet once again I was traveling in an area I was unfamiliar with. And once again it was very dark and very rural.

Once I got to the street I needed, I discovered it was just barely paved and just barely wider than one lane. The houses were few and far between and once again this was farming country. My GPS told me I was at my location and I turned to see a very large house off in the distance, illuminated by several lights in the yard, pointing up at the house. It was so far away from the road that it was just barely lit and looked ghostly. To help the image, there was a large lake in front of the house, reflecting the lit up house in a wavy fashion. The driveway, which I could just barely see next to the house, went from the left side of the house, around the lake and up to where I was stopped in the road. Just before it met the road there was a huge metal gate standing wide open. Since I couldn’t see an address, I believed my GPS to be correct and I turned down the driveway.

I got to the house and didn’t see any lights on inside, and I didn’t want to wake anybody who might kill me dead, so I tried calling the number on the ticket. Since I was out in the middle of nowhere I had no reception, but someone answered and I could hear a party going on in the background. That made sense because I was delivering a large order to them, but because of the bad reception the call dropped and I couldn’t find out if I was at the right place or not.

I walked up to the front door, which took a few minutes from the driveway because the place was so large, and I started to knock on the door when I thought twice about being murdered there by some rich dude with a gun and an alibi, so I went back to my car and left the property. Besides, there was obviously no party going on there.

I made my way down the street and turned onto another street which was actually just me staying on the road I was on before. You know how those crazy country roads are. Just after I turned I saw a house up ahead with a ton of cars in the driveway and a ton of lights on in the house. I pulled up to the mailbox and saw the address.

Since the driveway was full of cars I had to park on the street. Since the street was just barely wider than one lane there was no shoulder for me to park on. And since the road was lightly traveled during it’s most heavily traveled, I knew it was safe for me to park my car right there in the middle of the road, so that’s what I did.

Once I got out of my car I had about an acre to walk up the drive before I got to the house, but I could hear the party inside from where I parked. I made my way up the drive carefully, as there was just enough light outside to keep you from believing you were in a cave and I made it to the front door, which was just barely cracked open.

I knocked loudly and the girl on the other side of the door opened it up. She smiled brightly when she saw me and invited me in.

I walked in, a little nervous and feeling out of place. I was in a rich persons house with a lot of rich kids. These were the pretty and popular kids of some rich parents who were most likely somewhere across the world at some five star resort having a mini vacation before their kids went back to school for the fall. And the kids were living it up before they had to go back. The girls there were all extremely hot and beautiful, and the guys were all really attractive as well, naturally. They were all extremely nice though and I enjoyed myself while I was there.

The girl lead me to the table in the dining room and had me sit the pizzas on the table while she went to find the guy who ordered.

This couple walks into the dining room. The guy, who was probably, maybe legal enough to drink, was at least six-foot-four and two-hundred-fifty pounds. Most likely a football player at some point in his life. The girl was dressed in a black dress, had her hair all dolled up and had makeup on. She had a drink in her hand and she was very energetic and loud. She walked right up to me and shook my hand then started talking her head off, telling me how she had cut her knee open earlier during the party. She showed me the cut by lifting her leg up and pointing to her knee, all the while showing me her crotch, as her dress was short and it came completely up when she lifted her leg.

Apparently, she had given some guy at the party the Stone Cold Stunner and cut herself on the rocks in the driveway. I didn’t get a chance to ask why she dropped to her knees when the Stunner is done by dropping to your butt. At any rate, she continued to talk to me and the other guy about how the WWE is coming to Cincinnati and how she’s got backstage tickets and can’t wait to meet the wrestlers again and how she had met them before and how much she loves wrestling… I was amazed. I had no idea hot, rich chicks loved wrestling. Who knew?

Anyway, once she got through all of that, while flexing her muscles and getting ultra pumped up about the WWE, she asked me what time I got off of work and if I wanted to come back to party hard with them all. Unfortunately I couldn’t because I had to pick up my wife from work once I left my job, but I totally wanted to go back to party. Oh, except that chances are good I would have been the oldest there and possibly the only legal one and had I gone back, the cops most definitely would have showed up and I would have been thrown in jail for supplying the alcohol to the minors, even though I hadn’t. I thanked her for the invite and said I’d think about it and left it at that.

Just then the guy with the money walks around the corner and before I realized who it was he said, “Hey! I don’t have any eggs for you this time!”

The first thing out of my mouth was, “Son of a bitch.”

We had a good time telling everyone around us about the eggs and me thinking I was going to die and they all laughed. When they all went their separate ways I turned to him and asked, “How is it I run into you in these crazy places?” He looked at me with all seriousness and replied, “Dude, I have no idea where I am right now.”

He then pulled out a stack of money from his pocket and began counting it, slowly. He then says, “I don’t have enough money.” I just shook my head. He left me to go find more people to get money from. I stood there and looked around at the other kids and realized I was too old to party there. I had become “that guy.” It was so fucking awesome that chick invited me to come back and party, but I know if I did it would have just been weird for them, and I don’t want to be that guy. I felt like the old alumni dude in “Varsity Blues” who gets hit in the nuts with the bat… too pathetic to give it up.

Finally he comes back, gives me the cash and I went back to the store with another interesting story to tell. Those were the only two times I have seen that guy so far. I guess he went back to school. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss him.

Crazy egg guy.

An interesting follow up to this story, he ordered one more time that I know of. It was the following Friday night at 3 AM. I didn’t get to take the order to him and I was super pissed about it. One of the girls I work with had to take it and I told her before hand that he might offer her eggs as a tip. She laughed and went on her way. I don’t think she believed me.

She had been gone about 40 minutes when she called the store and I answered. She told me she was just calling to let us know she was okay and that she had a crazy time on the delivery and she was on her way back. Just like the call I made to the boss on my first delivery to the guy. Man, I miss that guy.

6 responses to “Delivery Tales: The Stunner

  1. Maybe she didn’t want to go all out and dropped down to her knees when doing the stunner? Possibly to avoid actually concussing the guy or something?

    I used to deliver pizzas in college, and I’d sometimes get invited to parties. But (sadly?) they were all street legal.

    • That’s probably what happened. Either that or she was just giving head in the driveway.

      Yeah, I see parties all the time, people are constantly offering to give me weed or beer or shots. Sometimes I hate being responsible enough to pass.

  2. Stone Cold Stunner. That’s awesome.

  3. Oh the stories you have to tell. Again, glad you made it out.

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