As my wife and I were driving on the highway one night we heard a high pitched buzz that was following us. It didn’t sound like it was coming from the car, but there was no other possible place it could have been coming from, except aliens flying a UFO directly above us, trying to decide whether or not they were going to suck us up into their ship and take us away. We decided we wished they would and my wife said she would allow it as long as they didn’t probe her anus.
Me? I don’t care. They can shove a big metal hoopajoob up my ass, unlubed, as long as they take me away from this fucking planet.
I’ve always been down with outer space. It’s awesomely vast. Our feeble minds can’t comprehend just how big it is. And how much of it has been explored by us? None? Of everything we can see with our biggest and our best telescopes and satellites and cameras, we still haven’t even scratched the surface of what is out there.
I would love to see another world. To step foot on it. To meet other beings. To eat their food, to fuck their women. That would rule.
And then I look around at the sad state of this planet. Not so much the planet itself, but those who inhabit it. We’re fucking idiots. Every one of us. Think of it this way. We’ve been driving automobiles on this planet for over 100 years and we still can’t get it right. Isn’t that sad?
Now take that and apply it to everything, including stuff that is a whole lot more important than our ability to get from one place to another quickly. World politics, how our government treats our own people, how WE treat each other… it’s just sad. As a race of living beings, we fucking suck. For as much as we evolve, we devolve.
de·volve verb \di-ˈvälv, -ˈvȯlv, dē-\
: to gradually go from an advanced state to a less advanced state
And if all it took for me to get a free trip off of this planet to do all of that was to have an alien shove a probe up my pooper, I’d let him. It’s totally not gay, if instead of cuddling afterwards you get taken to a far off galaxy with hot alien bitches.
The only downside would be if I got there and found out that’s how they mated. The females stuck their probe up the males asses and the males got pregnant and had the kids. That would suck. Unless the pizza and beer on their planet was fucking awesome, then it would be a weighing of pro’s and con’s, I think. And I think I’d still be happy there.
But why would they want to abduct me? Maybe because I see through all of the shit here. If the Matrix was real, I’d totally be Neo. Only cooler, because I wouldn’t be Keanu Reeves.
I hear that shit said all the time. “If there ARE aliens out there in outer space, they wouldn’t be coming here.” Why not? How do you know that? Typically I hear the reason behind that thought is because we’re humans and we suck. Just like I mentioned above. And while I agree with that particular thought, I think if there was an alien race who could travel through very long distances of space in small amounts of time, they would totally come here and spy on us.
Why wouldn’t they? Again, space is huge and while there’s probably a bunch of places that could harbor life on it, there’s a billion times that amount of nothing. So to check out a ton of space with nothing in it and then to find a little tiny planet that has life, yeah, they’d inspect us.
We’re doing that very thing now. We’re looking out into the cosmos to find out if there is any life on places other than here. And we’re totally happy if we find the tiniest little nothing of a life. But can you imagine if we stumbled upon a planet full of living beings who have built buildings and cities and mechanical transportation, even if their technology was still primitive compared to ours? We’d shit a brick and consider it the greatest find ever.
Why wouldn’t aliens do the same thing? They find us, they think “Holy shit! Look at that! They’ve come up with cars and buildings and cities and the internet! Let’s study them!” And then they’d study us and realize we live like complete fucking asshole idiots. I don’t think that would turn them away, I think they’d want to study us to find out why the fuck we can’t get it right. Why we can’t live in harmony with one another. Why we take everything for granted.
And then they’d see how we drive and they’d know exactly why we aren’t able to send men to other solar systems with the greatest of ease yet. If we can’t at the very fucking least learn how to drive somewhat sensibly, how do we ever expect to live together as one race in peace?
I have no hope for us. Please some other being up in the sky, beam me up.