Not Surviving The Zombie Apocalypse

I read something somewhere sometime, I think it was over at The Cutter’s place, where he mentioned something about being a zombie apocalypse survivor and how he wouldn’t be good at it. It got me to thinking about it and I really wouldn’t be either. Like, at all.

The scary thing is, we’ll probably see something that could be called a zombie apocalypse sometime in our future. My wife and I are looking forward to it. I mean, the end of man kind as we know it? That would rule. Never having to work again, never answering to the law again, never dealing with traffic or traffic lights or rush hour, never paying bills again…

This Mankind will probably survive. He's a badass. Source

This Mankind will probably survive. He’s a badass. Source

And then I started to really think about it. And I’ve been thinking about it since I first read that post I linked back to oh so long ago (2 whole paragraphs up) and yeah, I’d suck at it hardcore.

First of all, if I’m hoping to have no traffic on the roads, I have to hope the zombie apocalypse happens sometime around 4 AM so that there are no cars on the road when it happens. Hopefully that will keep down on the amount of abandoned cars littering our roads and highways, but I seriously doubt that that is going to happen.

I mean, the zombie apocalypse probably really won’t get out of control unless there are a lot of people out and about. And that only happens during the day when there are a ton of people driving around. So the roads being nice and clear is completely out.

And with the way bill collectors are, they’ll probably still be trying to get in touch with me during the apocalypse. Assholes. So never having to pay bills again would be out. Not that I pay them now. Heh.

But then…

I’m fat and out of shape. I can run surprisingly fast for a fat guy, but not for very long. I’m sort of like a fat cheetah. I can run pretty fast for like 3 seconds. And then I’m done. I have to hope for slow zombies and in all honesty they’ll most likely be slow. And I’ll out-walk a zombie any day of the week. Fuck them.


I can’t climb trees either. Not an accurate portrayal of me as a fat cheetah. Source

But it all depends on what kind of zombies we get. It all depends on what virus the government leaks out to the general public. If they’re trying to make a super strong army of the future, or if they’re trying to slow the enemy down. If they’re fast, I think we’re all fucked, but if they’re slow, the apocalypse might not last very long. So I’m torn, cause I want this shit to be eternal.

Also, I snore. I’ve snored most of my life, even back when I was a thin guy. At some point I’m going to have to sleep, and when I do that I’m going to snore, and then the zombies are going to eat me while I’m sleeping. That’s low down and not very fair, but that’s the problem with zombies, they’re not very sportsman like. They’re assholes. And if they’re slow zombies, that would be the opportune time for them to eat, when they can actually catch their food.

But then if I make it through the first night with no incidents and actually see day two of the apocalypse, I have bad allergies and will at some point sneeze. I’ve whittled down my sneezes from epic sinus explosions that sprayed everywhere to short little sneeze bursts that produce no spray of any kind. But they’re still loud enough that if I’m hiding in a closet in a house full of zombies, I’ll be heard. Because in my entire life I’ve never just sneezed once. There’s always at least 3, sometimes up to 10 or more, and sometimes they come rapid fire. Damn allergies.

Even if I’m not heard, those sneezes still produce a stuffy nose which will run and will eventually have to be blown. Never mind not having tissues around unless I’m lucky enough to be in a place with them (or TP), when I blow my nose, it will alert something.

Oh, and what comes after that? The asthma. Without an inhaler, which I’m sure I’ll be able to get if I can break into a pharmacy and steal a few for the road, I’ll be sitting meat for any type of zombie who comes along, slow or fast.

Let’s say I can figure a way out to get through all of that. If the zombie apocalypse happens tomorrow, and I can get through all of the shit I just listed, I still own no weapons. I have some knives but seriously, you don’t bring a knife to a zombie apocalypse unless you know how to throw them, which I don’t.

I don’t own any ninja swords. I don’t own any guns, except for a shotgun which has never had any ammo and has never been fired. So I could use it as a club, but… I don’t even have any bats. I could use my broom, or my Swiffer. Yeah, unlikely.

And even if I DID own a gun, I don’t really know how to shoot. In my life I’ve fired a pistol once. Maybe twice. But it was on the same day, years ago. So I can actually shoot a gun, but I probably won’t hit anything.

So there it is. I’m screwed. Also, I have no actual survival training or experience, I can’t grow plants at all (my thumb is not green) so growing vegetables and what not probably won’t happen.

Should I be able to actually get out of my house, in my car, and drive to the country where the population is smaller and the chance of surviving is higher, and I should just so happen to stumble upon a vacant farm with animals that could provide milk, eggs and meat of several varieties, and I could grow some crops to eat, I still wouldn’t know what the fuck to do. I’ve never worked on a farm. I don’t know how to milk a cow or pluck a chicken or grow corn.

I’m fucked.

As much as I would love to see a zombie apocalypse happen, I just have to face facts. I’ll most likely be one of the first zombies, or I’ll be one of the first meals. And that sucks. I won’t get to enjoy my freedom at all. Which puts me in an awkward position. Now that I’ve evaluated my chances of survival, do I still want the zombie apocalypse to happen or not?

Fuck yeah I do. I’d be an awesome zombie.

4 responses to “Not Surviving The Zombie Apocalypse

  1. Great to see that I’d have some competition as to who the first casualty would be

  2. The next end of the world….LMAO. promises promises

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