Purplecia

I recently posted a long joke as part of a Daily Prompt uh, prompt. And the ending is what makes it, despite the telling of the joke being detail oriented. The best thing about these jokes is just that, you spend so much time building up a story involving one thing and then you deliver the punchline which has nothing to do with the details you spent so much time divulging.

With that in mind, I actually know a few of those jokes, The Pink House included, that are all basically the same thing. So, to be sure to have everyone at a party hating you, remember these jokes and tell them the next time you want to have your ass kicked. I’ve been hit more times by telling these jokes than at any other time in my life. And it was all worth it.

Without further ado, here’s my favorite. I’ve heard variations of this, with the “word” being other crazy, not-actual words. So you can use what you like, and of course, when telling the joke make it as long or short with as many, or few details as you like. This is the way I always told it.

Purplecia (pronounced purple-see-ya, if it matters)

Little Billy had just started schooling and was in Kindergarten. The first week of school had gone by and he was loving it. He was making all sorts of new friends and learning all kinds of new things. And then one day on the playground, Little Suzy came up to him.

“Hey Billy,” she said, “I know a word you don’t know!”

“Oh yeah? What is it?” Billy asked, wanting to learn even more.

“I can’t tell you because it’s REALLY bad.”

This peaked his interest. “Well, what is it? I won’t tell!”

Little Suzy shook her head. “I shouldn’t, it’s really bad. If you tell anybody this word you’ll get in trouble!”

Well, Little Billy was never in trouble. He had a great home life as an only child with two wonderful and loving parents. He had never been spanked or yelled at for anything. He was the perfect child.

“Come on Suzy, I promise I won’t tell! I want to know the word!”

Little Suzy shuffled where she stood, contemplating, and then finally gave in. “Okay fine, but you can’t tell anybody! The word is… ‘purplecia’.” After she told Little Billy she ran off to play with the other kids.

Little Billy’s eyes lit up. He knew a new word! And apparently it was a bad word! He was so ecstatic, but there was just one problem. He had no idea what it meant. It was cool to know a new word but he had no idea just what made it so bad. Curiosity got the better of him so he decided that he would have to tell someone this new word he learned just so he could figure out what it meant.

Little Billy went up to a teacher who was on recess duty and tugged on her dress. The teacher looked down at him with a smile.

“Well hello Billy! What can I do for you?”

Little Billy was hesitant but he just had to know what “purplecia” meant. So he finally got up the courage and said, “Well Mrs. Johnson, I was just over there on the playground when Suzy told me a word. I like the word because I have never heard it before, but I don’t know what it means.”

Mrs. Johnson looked at Little Billy and asked, “Well Billy, what’s the word?”

“That’s the problem, I don’t want to get in trouble. She said it’s a bad word and I shouldn’t tell anybody. But I really want to know what it means.”

Mrs. Johnson smiled at Little Billy. “It’s okay Billy, you can tell me and I’ll do my best to explain what it means and I promise you won’t get in trouble.”

Little Billy was relieved to hear he could trust Mrs. Johnson. “Okay, the word Suzy told me is ‘purplecia’.”

Mrs. Johnson’s smile faded quickly and her jaw dropped. “Oh good lord! Billy that’s horrible! Go to the principals office immediately!”

Little Billy felt his heart break. This would be the first time in his young life that he had ever been in trouble and he didn’t like it. He felt like Little Suzy had set him up.

On his way to the principals office he thought of something that cheered him up. Maybe, just maybe Mrs. Johnson didn’t know what the word meant and she sent him to the principal so that the principal could tell him what it meant. This put a smile on his face and raised his spirits.

He entered the lobby of the principals office and sat down, patiently awaiting his turn. Finally the principal called him into her office and he walked in and sat down in front of her.

“What can I do for you Billy? I hope everything is all right.”

“Well, I don’t know. You see, I was on the playground when Suzy told me a word I had never heard before and I don’t know what it means.”

The principal smiled at Little Billy. “That’s okay Billy, you’re young and can’t possibly know every word! What did she tell you?”

Little Billy shook his head. “Well, she told me the word was very bad and that I shouldn’t tell anybody. But I wanted to know what it meant so I asked Mrs. Johnson and she sent me here.”

The principal laughed. “That’s terrible! I can’t believe she would do that over a word! What’s the word?”

Little Billy shook his head again. “I don’t want to be in trouble. I’ve never been in trouble and I’d just rather not know the meaning of the word.”

The principal held her hands together and smiled. “It’s okay Billy, I promise I won’t get you into trouble. You can tell me the word.”

Little Billy sighed and lowered his head. He had a bad feeling about it but he gave in. “The word is ‘purplecia’.”

The principal swallowed hard, her eyes growing wide. “That’s the most horrendous thing I’ve ever heard!” she yelled. “Get out of my office and go home! You’re expelled!”

Little Billy slid out of his chair and left the office with his head lowered. He felt horrible. One week into school and he was expelled for knowing a word but not its meaning. How would he explain this to his parents?

He walked home and for the first time that week he was home before his parents. He cried to himself, unsure of what to do. At this point in his life he didn’t have the social skills necessary to figure out this situation. So he cried and cried, fearing the arrival of his parents.

Finally his parents came home and they saw Little Billy already there.

His mother said, “Billy, what are you doing home so early? And why are you crying? Are you okay?”

Little Billy shook his head as he began to cry harder. “No I’m not okay!”

His dad sat next to him and put his arm around him. “Well tell us what’s wrong son.”

“I can’t!”

His mother knelt in front of him and placed her hands on his knees. “Sure you can honey, what’s happened?”

“I don’t want to get in trouble!”

His parents looked at each other and laughed. Surely their son wasn’t in trouble, he had never been a problem child by any measure. His father said, “Billy, you can tell us. We’re your parents and we love you very much. We’re here for you. What’s wrong?”

Little Billy wiped the snot from his nose with the back of his hand and choked back some tears. “Suzy told me a word I had never heard before today on the playground. I didn’t know what it meant so I asked Mrs. Johnson what it meant and she sent me to the principals office and when I told the principal the word she expelled me from school!”

His parents gasped. “That’s horrible!” said his mother. “What word could be so bad that it would expel a child from school?!” his father yelled. “Tell us the word before we call the school and give them a piece of our mind!” said his mother.

Little Billy trusted his loving parents. They had never let him down before. He looked at his mother in front of him and then at his dad to his side and he said, “Purplecia.”

His parents scoffed at his knowledge of the word. “That’s it mister, you’ve gone too far this time!” yelled his father, and they immediately sent him off to the local orphanage.

Little Billy was very depressed but year after year he got over his depression and eventually only barely remembered his parents. He made new friends at the orphanage and watched them come and go as they would be adopted one by one. Yet for some reason nobody ever came to adopt him. All of the nuns loved him and he was never a problem child. Only he said very little and kept to himself most of the time.

One day one of the nuns came up to Billy who was sitting by himself in the corner playing with building blocks. “Hello Billy,” she said to him as she sat next to him, “can we talk?”

Billy nodded and set the blocks down on the table.

“Billy, you’ve been here for quite a while now and when you first came to us your parents didn’t bother telling us why they were bringing you here. They just dropped you off and left in a hurry. I was wondering why you have come to be with us. Do you know?”

Billy looked down and nodded.

The nun looked at Billy and waited but he said nothing, as usual. “Well can you tell me?”

Billy shook his head. “No. It’s really bad.”

The nun laughed and grasped the cross that hung from her neck on a pretty gold chain. “Do you see this?” she asked. “This is a cross, which you know. And you know that means that I love our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. It also means that I’m protected by Him and His word. Just like you are. Nothing is so bad that you can’t tell me.”

Billy continued looking down at the floor and said nothing.

“Now Billy, you can tell me anything. I judge no one.”

Billy knew the nun very well and knew her to be a very nice and fair woman. He also knew of the Lord Jesus Christ through the teachings he and all of the other children at the orphanage learned in their daily classes. He knew he was safe to tell her the horrible thing that happened to him.

Billy looked up at the nun. “Okay, I believe and trust you. One day when I was in kindergarten a little girl came up to me. Her name was Suzy. She told me a word I had never heard before. I was happy to know a new word but I didn’t know what it meant. She told me it was a bad word though, but even still, I had to know what it meant. I asked a teacher on the playground what it meant and she sent me to the principals office. When I told the principal she threw me out of school and when I told my parents the word they brought me here.”

The nun was shocked. “I can’t believe all of that happened to you over a word! Just a word! Imagine!”

Billy nodded and looked back down at the floor. “It’s true.”

The nun sat in silence for a moment as this knowledge settled in. Finally she asked, “Well, what’s the word?”

Billy shook his head. “I’m not telling you. I don’t want to get in trouble.”

The nun laughed. “I told you Billy, I’m a follower of the Good Word and our Lord Jesus Christ. You won’t get in trouble here, especially over a simple word.”

Billy sighed and gave in. He was already as low as he could get. What could be done to him that could top losing his family? “Fine. The word is… ‘purplecia’.”

The nun gasped and stared a hole through Billy. “That’s outrageous! I can’t believe… you can’t stay here anymore, you have ruined this orphanage and my soul! Get out!”

And with that, Billy was on the street at the tender age of fourteen.

With nowhere to go and no money, he slept under bridges and ate out of trash cans until he was 18 years old. One day he saw a poster nailed to a telephone pole that showcased the benefits of joining the navy. He smiled brightly and found his way to the nearest recruiting station. A couple hours later he was in the navy and on his way to boot camp.

Bill served in the navy for three years and was so happy with his new life that he decided he was going to spend the rest of his life serving in the navy. He loved the trips around the world and all of the great people he met.

One beautiful day while out at sea he was on the deck looking out at the vast ocean that lay before him. The breeze felt good on his skin and he smiled brightly. Finally things were looking up for him. Suddenly his Admiral was at his side.

“Hello Bill, how are you today?”

Bill saluted his Admiral and his Admiral saluted back.

“I’m fine sir, how are you?”

The Admiral took in a deep breath and smiled. “Another great day at sea. That always makes me happy. I’m well, thank you. I was wondering something. I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve come to know a lot about my men on this ship and I realized I know very little about you.”

Bill looked out at the sea. “What would you like to know sir?”

“Well, anything, really. Your life, how you came to be on my ship and in the navy. What’s your story?”

Bill smiled and shook his head. “No story sir.”

“Oh come on, surely you’ve got something to tell.”

Bill thought about his life. He looked out at the sea, and then he turned to look back at the massive ship he was on and he realized he was a man now. Things were great. And oh how silly his life had been. Tragic, but silly. Everything that had happened to him was over a stupid word! He laughed and faced his Admiral.

“Sir, it’s really silly but I’ll tell you. Besides, what could happen to me out here at sea?”

The Admiral looked at Bill quizzically. “I’m not sure what you mean.”

“Well, way back when I was just a kid in kindergarten I was on the playground during recess. This girl, I can’t recall her name now, she came up to me and told me she knew a word that I didn’t know. Well, I was curious to learn a new word so I asked her what it was. She told me and said that it was a very bad word and that I would get in trouble if I told anybody else, and then she ran off.”

The Admiral laughed.

“Pretty silly. I mean, we were kids, you know? Well, she tells me this word and I was excited to know it, but I had no clue what it meant. So I went up to a teacher and asked her what it meant. The teacher heard the word and sent me right to the principals office. Turns out, that little girl who told it to me was right, it got me in trouble.”

The Admiral frowned. “You mean a teacher sent you to the principal for asking her what a word meant?”

Bill nodded and smiled. “Yup. So I go to the principal and told the principal the word and she expelled me.”

The Admiral grinned. “You’re putting me on, aren’t you? I don’t want you bullshitting me Sailor.”

“Oh no, this is no bullshit sir. This is what actually happened to me when I was a kid. It all seems like a bad dream now, but it actually happened.”

The Admiral had his doubts but he insisted. “Please, continue.”

“Okay, well I went home that day, expelled from school and when my parents got home they wondered why I was home so early. I told them what had happened, and when I mentioned the word they threw me out of the house. Took me to an orphanage. This is public record I’m sure, you can look it up if you don’t believe me.”

The Admiral shook his head slowly, sure his Sailor wasn’t telling him any lies at this point, because it was true he could look it up and find out just what orphanage he stayed at.

Billy continued. “When I was fourteen one of the nuns there at the orphanage began talking to me to find out why I had been placed in her home. Reluctantly I told her the story I’m telling you now. When she heard the word that got me into so much trouble she kicked me out of the orphanage. I lived on the streets until I turned eighteen and joined the navy. And that’s my story.”

The Admiral was shocked. “You lived on the streets for four years and you weren’t even an adult yet?”

Billy nodded.

“That’s horrible! All of that over, what? A word?”

“Yes sir.”

“What the hell word was it?”

“Sir, to be fair my life has been shit up until I joined the navy. And it’s all because of that word. If you don’t mind I’d just like to keep that word to myself. Hell, I still have no idea what it means.”

The Admiral smiled. “Bill, it’s like you said earlier. What could happen to you out here? Besides, we’re both grown men and it is just a word. I’ve been on this ship for fifteen years, in the navy for twenty. I’ve heard every word there is to hear and nothing, and I mean NOTHING, has ever been that bad to cause all of that.”

Bill smiled and agreed. It was just a word. “Okay sir, you’re right. It’s so stupid and I can’t believe my life was what it was over a word. A word!” He laughed. “The word is ‘purplecia’.”

He was immediately discharged from the navy and thrown overboard.

Bill swam and swam and swam until he could swim no more. Just as he was about to give up and reside his fate to Davy Jones’ locker when all of a sudden, up ahead, he saw land. Bill gathered the strength he had left and swam to shore.

He coughed water out of his lungs and kissed the sandy beach. After a short while he caught his breath and gained some strength. He stood on wobbly legs and looked around. He saw nobody.

On the other side of the beach was a wooded area, so he made his way to those and fought his way through brush and weeds until he came out on the other side. Just a few yards in front of him was a road and across it was a small store with a pay phone.

Bill decided he would go to the phone and call his parents and see if he could reconcile with them and maybe, for the first time since he was a child in kindergarten, go home.

Bill began to cross the street and was immediately struck by a car and killed.

The moral of the story is, look both ways before crossing the street.

4 responses to “Purplecia

  1. So funny…I was thinking…what next? What next? Then boom. Poor Bill. RIP.

  2. So theres this guy looking for a new dog and while searching through the paper he finds an ad for a talking dog. After contacting the owner, its decided that even though its all the way across the country, that the owner will pay for round trip tickets, if only he could just be rid of his dog.
    The nice man had to see this for himself. He just couldnt believe that there was a real live talking dog out there and that it was a housepet, so he agreed to go and pick up the dog.
    After a nice first class flight, with all the amenities, he finally landed at his destination where he was promptly picked up by a chauffeur and limo and taken to see what he was starting to believe must be a most wonderful thing.
    Upon arriving at the mans house, he knocked on the door and was greeted by a grizzled old man who looked rather ragged and like he hadnt slept in weeks. “You here for the dog?” The man asked.

    The man nodded and walked into the house eager to see this wonder of nature.

    Sure enough, on the Lazy-Boy, kicked back, reading a newspaper sat this dog. It put down the paper long enough to look over his new would be master and plainly said “Hello.”
    Startled, the man gasped and stammered..He immediately thought of the riches that could be had, from this astonishing beast.

    “Uhhh..hello. So..umm…tell me about yourself.” He said to the dog.

    So the dog put down his newspaper, lit up a pipe, and motioned for the man to take a seat.
    “Well, when I was a pup, my father died while trying to rescue my ma from a fire. I had to do it myself. It was at that point I knew I was destined for great things, you see. Coming from good strong bloodlines is important, you know. After single handedly burying my father, and nursing my mother back to health, I decided that I was going to be a police dog which I did for a few years, but the reward just wasnt there. My heart wasnt in it, you see? So I moved on to bigger things and put in my application to the FBI, which was quickly accepted. It was there I took on my new role as a bomb sniffing dog. That panned out alright, minus a few close calls, and a few burnt whiskers..I decided that I needed more. So I took a chance promotion with the DNR and helped people corral and flush out wild game from problem areas. That was fun, it was almost like a party, really, being able to romp and chase other animals around. I met a lot of friends in that time that are very dear to me.”

    Now, by this time as you can guess, the man was just flabbergasted. Not only could this dog speak, but he was eloquent and certainly seemed to be from noble stock to boot! “Well, go on.” He said, not really sure what to say next.

    “It was then that I decided to walk away from the excitement and take it easy for a few years, so I moved out to the Alps and became a rescue dog for trapped skiers. That had its rewards, but I was getting old, and I knew it. I could feel it in my bones. It was then that I was called upon to become one of the famous 9/11 rescue dogs. I knew this was my last job. It really felt good to help people, and others of my kind, to try and change the world in which little ways I humbly could, to live up to be the dog my father could be proud of. But I was just getting too old, and I needed rest. I finally decided to live out the rest of my days here..or wherever a string of owners would take me. And that, my dear sir, is my story.”

    Absolutely floored, the man got up and just couldnt contain himself. “Why in the hell would you get rid of this dog??” He exclaimed.

    The other man looked him straight in the eye and said “Hes a fucking liar! He was born in a box in my backyard and hes been mooching off me ever since!”

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