Hey there fans, check this out. I’m sure most of you have a blog, because who doesn’t anymore? They’re free websites, and you’re not completely down with the internets unless you got your own site. So, how do you increase traffic to it? I could give you the advice you can find everywhere else, like “write numbered articles such as ‘7 Ways To Blow A Guy’ or ‘My Top 5 Favorite Ways To Kill A Person With A Butter Knife'” otherwise known as “The Cracked.com Method For Doing Things.” Or you could try using all of the appropriate tags and use those search friendly words in your articles.
Instead, what I’m going to do is tell you how I get a ton of traffic. I wrote a piece called “Free Literary Porn” and for some reason it’s getting a ton of hits. Probably because it has a video of a chick having an orgasm in it. Hot. You can try that yourself if you like. Hell, just post that video on your blog and you’ll probably bring in hits. This, of course, also brings up my recent piece Free Literary Porn 2 which talks further about Stoya, the gal from the first piece, so I’m sure it’ll be a top hit on this blog soon enough.
The next biggest thing I’ve noticed that brings in visits, and Rob Simple even wrote a blog piece about this very thing because he’s noticed this phenomenon too… write a blog piece about Chun-Li from the Street Fighter games and movies. It’s uncanny how many people want to look at pictures of her and presumably whack off to them. You’ll draw in a lot of visits because of that, in fact mine just now started dwindling after what was probably a year of steady visits to that piece.
The last thing I can recommend is, write a piece about the Illuminati. I wrote one just a short while ago and since then it has become the number one viewed piece on my blog. So much so that if I get 100 visits a day to this place, 80 of them go to that particular piece. It’s that out of control.
After I wrote it I got more than a few comments from people claiming to be in the Illuminati trying to get me to join the Illuminati. Now, I know it’s either SPAM or just complete dumbasses (I’m going with dumbasses) who are posting these comments, but holy shit… if I was the Illuminati I’d be pissed that these assholes were out ruining the Illuminati’s good name.
The messages they left, which you can view if you go to that article and scroll to the bottom, were all horrible displays of grammar and common sense. Some were written IN ALL CAPS LOCK just to be extra fucking annoying. And almost all of them left me an email address to get in contact with them. It’s nice to know the Illuminati uses Gmail. The best thing about the messages is, they all left phone numbers and none of the numbers were actual phone numbers. They all had the same “area code”, at least I’m guessing that’s what it was, and the numbers all had way too many numbers to be actual phone numbers.
Now, the most annoying thing about those messages is, they’re still coming. I mentioned as a comment to that article that I was done with their shenanigans and I would, from there on out, mark any comments I got in regards to me joining the Illuminati as SPAM. These dumbass idiots (that’s repetitive) continued to send comments, so it’s obvious they’re not even reading the article or the other comments. They found a piece about the Illuminati and they posted their idiotic comments. Done and done.
I took it a step further and closed comments on that particular piece, and for some reason my SPAM filter here on WordPress still isn’t picking those comments up as SPAM. So what did these persistent fucks do? They started trying to post those comments on other articles I’ve written that have nothing to do with the Illuminati.
As it is I’m about 50/50 on believing the Illuminati actually exists. I do believe there’s some higher power running the world but whether or not it’s actually called the Illuminati I don’t know. But even if they are real and they are called that, I’m 100% positive these idiots, or even SPAM bots, have nothing to do with them. All they are is annoying. And I know they’re not actually going to read this article either, since reading (and spelling) isn’t their forté, but in the off chance they do, KNOCK IT OFF! I’m done with your shit. If you in any way represent the real Illuminati, I no longer want to join you because you’re annoying idiots. Fuck off.
Oh, and as I was typing this up I gained a new follower to the blog. And that follower used a fucking Illuminati Gmail address to follow me. Amazing. Apparently it’s not a SPAM bot, it’s an actual person with too much time on their hands. Let’s see if that follower actually reads this and gets the picture. I doubt it.
So back to you and getting readers to your blog. You can try any of the things I mentioned but be warned, along with more traffic comes the idiots and more SPAM. Also, I highly recommend NOT writing a piece on the Illuminati unless you want to be bombarded with jackasses. However, now that I’ve written this piece I’m sure my readership will jump up to a billion readers every second and this will be the only article that gets read.
Hey folks, I’m more than free literary porn, Chun-Li and the Illuminati god dammit! FUCK!