I just watched the first Pirates of the Caribbean again for the millionth time in as many weeks, and at the end of the movie I got to a point that I hate. It’s probably my least favorite part, my least favorite line actually, in any of the four movies. It’s been my least favorite line for a long time now and up until now I hadn’t realized why. But then it hit me. Here’s the scene.
Will decides he’s going to risk his life to save Jack’s and Elizabeth steps in and also says she’s with them. Will and Elizabeth announce their love for one another and Jack falls into the ocean. Norrington gives his blessing to Will and says they’ll give Jack a one day head start. And then as he’s walking away, Elizabeth’s dad says to her, “*something something blah blah* He’s a blacksmith.”
And then she says in a romantic, loving way the line that pisses me off, “No. (She pauses here long enough that anybody watching the movie can figure out what’s coming next.) He’s a pirate.” And then they kiss as the music builds and her dad walks away, probably completely pissed off that he can’t do anything about it and his daughter’s a whore.
Here’s why I hate the line. For one, it’s predictable and cheesy. Two, she says it as if it’s a wonderful thing, as if being a pirate is a glamorous life (I guess it is depending on who you ask) and three, no the fuck he isn’t. Neither is she.
Neither one of them are pirates. She’s the Governor’s daughter, born into wealth and the fancier things in life. He’s the son of a pirate, but that means literally nothing. He didn’t grow up as a pirate. In fact, he knows so much about his pirate background and heritage that in the movie he wants to fight Jack for saying his dad was a pirate because *gasp* he didn’t fucking know.
In the movie they say a few times how Barbosa needs Will’s blood and Will mentions how he needs “pirates blood.” No, he doesn’t need “pirate’s” blood, he needs your blood. Whether you’re a pirate or not doesn’t mean shit.
Speaking of that, just because his dad was a pirate doesn’t mean Will’s a pirate. That means nothing. You’re not born into it. My dad was a garbage man, that doesn’t mean I’m one by blood.
So here we have two kids, basically, in their young 20’s who have one crazy adventure with pirates and they decide that they’re going to be pirates. No, they decide that they ARE pirates. What have they pillaged? What have they raped? Who have they killed? Sure they kill a few people in the movies, but they’re all pirates and they’re fighting for their life, for their survival, for their protection. At no point did they sail to a port, get off the boat, kill a bunch of innocent people, rape their families and then steal their money. Hell, they barely drink. Elizabeth drinks rum in the first movie, then burns it and says it is a vile drink. No REAL pirate would do that shit.
These two idiots give up a wonderful life to be pirates when they’re not even good at that. Sure they can swing a sword, but so can the royal navy. Why don’t they join them and not have their lives threatened by the gallows just for being what they are? Because they’re young and dumb.
Even though I love the movie series, I still think it’s rather ridiculous that Disney would make a series of movies showcasing just how wonderful it is to be a pirate. And the movies are for kids, so at least we’re teaching kids that being a pirate is okay. That it is glamorous, that it is funny and fun all the time, and that all pirates are likable people. Because why the fuck not?
Anyway, I probably would have never come up with this shit had that one line not been in the movie. And had that one line not been in the movie I would have had no complaints about it. But it’s just so out of place and bad. Why would they do that? Oh, maybe because of this…
A fun bit of trivia for you. The following scene after that shitfest is where the crew of the Black Pearl throws out a rope to Jack Sparrow in the ocean and they pull him aboard, tell him the ship is his, he looks at his “broken” compass and he says the final line of the movie (which is almost equally as cheesy). The music playing in the background there is called… “He’s A Pirate.” So not only does Elizabeth Swann deliver the worst line in all of the movies, but she also throws out a nod to what’s coming next.