Dumbest Freeway Exit Ever?

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Twindaddy rules and has the first ever Unshitty™ Blog. Naturally I created the Unshity™ Blog Award, so I am the creator of Unshittiness™. He may have the first Unshitty™ Blog, but I am still his master. Oh, check out his Stuph Blog, full of interesting stuph. Even my own guest posts!]

Hello, my name is Twindaddy. I’m posting here on Beefy’s blog today because I lost a horrible, horrible bet. I got hosed.  Honestly, who would have guessed that the power would have gone out during the Superbowl? I thought I had that one in the bag.   I still say Beyoncé’s booty shaking rattled something loose in the power grid down there.  Oh, well.

This is me.  I'm a happy fellow.

This is me. I’m a happy fellow.

Since Beefy loves rants and posts many of his own, I figured for my post over here I’d go off on a tangent of my own.  When in Rome…

Hmmm…. I’m not quite sure that’s how it goes.

So I live in Cincinnati, currently.  My children’s mother lives in a suburb south of Cincinnati, which means I have to drive to go get them.  Driving around here sucks.  Actually, driving at all sucks.  But I digress.

Normally, and by normally I mean almost always, I pick them up directly from work.  And that means…RUSH HOUR!  I have to take I-275 to I-75 South to get to their mother’s house.  That means going through one of the most poorly designed, ill-conceived, and fucked up freeway exchanges ever made.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with Cincinnati, I-275 is the bypass interstate that encircles the Cincinnati metro area.

Pilfered, as if you couldn’t tell, from the Coney Island website.  Kinda looks like the outline of a car, doesn’t it?  Well played, I-275.  Well played, indeed.

The exchange I’m referring to is at the very bottom of the loop, where both east and west-bound traffic converge to go south-bound.  In this filched image from Google Maps,  you can see a close-up of the exchange and why it’s so fucking idiotic.


We’ll start with the pretty, colorful lines I’ve drawn onto this stunning likeness I’ve recreated purloined image.  The red line follows the exit from I-275 East to I-75 South.  The pastel blue line is the exit from I-275 West to I-75 South.  And the green line is an exit from I-75 South to Donaldson Rd, which leads to the Greater Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky Airport.   All three exits converge into their own little three-lane highway.  It goes down to two lanes quickly as the lane furthest right is an exit-only lane for the west-bound exit for Donaldson Rd.  This partly three-lane, but mostly two-lane highway is separated from the interstate for about the next half mile.  Needless to say, this is a pretty busy little exchange.

So let’s analyze this exit, shall we?  All of the traffic from the red and blue merge onto this separate two lane highway and are trying to merge left.  All of the people coming from south-bound (or the green line) are trying to merge right so that they can get off on Donaldson Rd.

During most hours of the day, this is not a big deal.  There’s not a whole lot of traffic and, consequently, there’s no hazard to anybody.  Well, there is, but it’s minute.  Unless you’re one of those driver’s that really, really sucks you don’t have to worry about it.  Between 4PM to 6PM on Monday through Friday, however, this little exchange is a clusterfuck.  All three exits are backed the fuck up because at the point where all three exits converge it’s a no-holds-barred fight to get from the lane  you’re in to the lane you need to get to.  And I hate it.  Traffic can go from flowing nicely to a dead stop as fast as you can snap your fingers.  You know, if you could actually snap your fingers.  Oh,  you can?  Fuck off, then.  Rub it in why don’t you?

Seriously though, this is a very dangerous exit and there are copious amounts of accidents on this exit.  My ex-wife has been involved in two accidents on this very exit and both have totalled the vehicle she was driving.   Of course, she’s not the best driver, but neither are most of the people on the road.  In fact, most drivers are Forrest Gump to my Albert Einstein.  And I’m totally modest, too.

See what I mean?  She scares me.

And that’s why this exit needs to be redesigned, remodeled, or just blown the fuck up and started over again from scratch.  It’s just a perpetual accident waiting to happen that frequently always happens.

Whoever designed this exit needs to be bitch-slapped, force-fed beets, and have their ears raped by Nickelback songs.

So crack open an ice-cold Bud Light™, Mr. I-designed-a-shitty-interstate-exchange-exit-ramp-thingy.  And while you’re at it, crack open your skull and let all of your other shitty ideas spill out of your stunted cranium.

Just kidding. You’re no genius. Fucktard.

36 responses to “Dumbest Freeway Exit Ever?

  1. Thank you for the laugh. Best.memes.ever. The rant is good too. 75 and 275 is the suck, even in Michigan. It sounds worse times infinity in Nati. Some dickwad also redesigned the freeway in Chicago within the past couple of years. Now the traffic merges to the right as well. Oh, and you get these green and red lights that tell you that it is ok to merge. They lie half the time, so here you are, trying to merge right in a blind curve, hoping the color on the traffic light is telling the truth…morons. /response to your rant.

  2. Reblogged this on Stuphblog and commented:

    Well, sorry to keep flooding your inboxes, but my guest post over at Beefy’s House O’ Fun was published last night. You all know I’m a stat whore, so head over there and check it out! Thanks for having me, Beefy!

    And make sure you click the follow button while you’re over there. It’ll only bring more Unshittiness™ to your inbox.

  3. Holy shit, I love your rants!! Oh, and I can snap my fingers. I’ll fuck off now.

  4. This is why I don’t live in a big city. I can get lost anywhere. On a highway like that, I would simply panic and turn on signals, windshield wipers, emergency lights, and die.

  5. It’s almost too easy to rant about traffic! Here, in KC, everyone drives like 10 miles per hour! (Exaggeration, like 55 on the highways, which is really slow! I am used to going 80 mph, which I quickly got used to when I lives out west in SLC… People in SLC are bad asses because they drive fast and crazy! I loved it and fit right it!!)

    Thanks for making me laugh, again TwinDaddy!! ~Jen

  6. Clusterfuck: My new favorite word.

  7. I wrote a piece about how the on ramps here coming off of 275 don’t make any sense. It would seem to me that those in charge of 275 just don’t have any fucking clue.

  8. I went to Cincinnati once, I was passing through while on a road trip with friends. It was one of the worst experiences in my life! We were on our way to Virginia coming from Wisconsin and that placed us using exit 185 to I275 east. It was later at night and my buddy who was on driving duty got a little lost. The first gas station we pulled over to had two cop cars arresting people, when we asked where we were he said “A bad place” then gave us directions and we went on our way. This may have not been so bad but I had just fallen asleep after my 7 hour drive when my friend poked me, “Dude, wake up, I think we got lost!”

  9. DC was just voted worst for traffic. They recommend that anyone wishing to arrive on time to their destination leave 20 to 95 minutes early.

    Come on up and we can compare.

  10. First: I’m pretty sure the power went off because the powers that be had to decide whether to pay for that shitty performance by Beyonce or have power to the whole place.
    Second: Thanks for colouring in the lines for me it really helped!

  11. Thanks for the yucks! You have adark, Imperial gift, buddy.
    And our host rocks as well!

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