Movie Review: Pretty Woman

Do they mean Gere or Roberts?

Do they mean Gere or Roberts?

You: “Hey Beefy, didn’t Pretty Woman come out in 1990?”
Me: “Why yes, yes it did.”
You: “Then why in the fuck are you reviewing it now?”
Me: “Because I just now watched it for the first time. Get off my junk.”

First let me start by saying “FUCK YOU, YOU IGNORANT BASTARDS” to IMDB, or the Internet Movie Database for short. I’m not going to describe the site to you if you don’t know what it is, click the link and all will be learned to you.

I wanted that picture above of the Pretty Woman movie poster (or VHS cover, whatever) for this piece and IMDB has it implemented on their site that right clicking on your mouse doesn’t work so that you can’t steal their shit. Every now and then I forget that and I go to their site trying to get an image for something. And every time I can’t get the image from their site, I go to Google Images and LOOKATTHAT! I get it from there, from IMDB. Thank you Google Image Search. Fuck you IMDB.

So I’m watching this movie for the first time and I realized something. Richard Gere and Julia Roberts are very fine actors. Although I did notice something about Gere that I had never noticed before. He looks like someone else.

david-duchovny richard-gere

I see it. And if you don’t, you’ll totally be looking for it the next time you see either man. Although I don’t really see it so much when I watch Duchovny, but definitely when I watch Gere. It’s there. For example…

Richard Duchovny, or David Gere?

Richard Duchovny, or David Gere?

It didn’t take me too long to do that, as I didn’t want to spend too much time on it. I photoshopped Gere’s mouth and eye onto Duchovny’s face. Basically all you have to do is add Gere’s mouth to Duchovny’s face and you get Richard Gere. See it now?

Anyway, I just spent a whole lot of time on something that wasn’t that important. All I know is, I’m not gay but I’d sleep with both of those men. Even at their ages they look tremendous. I hope I can look half that good when I’m half their age. Wait…

So anyway, Julia Roberts is sexy in her own right but she’s not for me. She’s too thin. While she does have some nice legs, I will give her that, she is an extremely beautiful woman with a very pretty smile. Her smile always seems genuine, which isn’t an easy thing to pull off. You either got it or you don’t. She has it.

However, I noticed at the end of the film there was another actress in the movie and I hadn’t even realized it, because she gets very little screen time and she’s basically an unimportant part of the movie. Her name is Amy Yasbeck. And boy oh boy, is she fucking hot.

I'll take a slice of that any day.

I’ll take a slice of that any day.

She’s fucking gorgeous. Top to bottom, she’s not only pretty but she’s got a great body. I’m sure you’ve seen this part of Robin Hood: Men In Tights. I have it burned into my memory.

All of this. Yes.

All of this. Yes.

Tell me that isn’t an amazing picture. You can’t. Because it’s beautiful beyond reason. Is she? Yes, she is on my hot-chicks-who-I’d-totally-bang-hard-list. She’s very near the top. As a matter of fact, if Megyn Price wasn’t ever born, Amy would be the top. True enough.

Amy is from my hometown of Cincinnati, and she was married to amazing funny dude John Ritter, before he died. I’d love to have sex with Amy just so my junk would touch a place that also touched Ritter’s junk. That would rule. Again, not gay.

Now I have to say that if I were Richard Gere, I would’ve totally went after Amy over Julia. But he’s a suave mother fucker, he’s not going to go after a married woman. In the movie (to refresh your memory) Gere’s lawyer is played by Jason “George Costanza” Alexander who happens to be married to Amy Yasbeck. Amy, as I said, has a very brief part. However, Jason’s character goes after Julia’s character to fuck her because as we all know she’s a prostitute. Jason’s character’s dumb ass is FUCKING MARRIED TO AMY FUCKING YASBECK! And he’s trying to score with another woman? The writers and the casting people of that movie were completely off. They should have been fired.

In any case, I enjoyed the movie although I felt entirely way too old when certain things came up, like cell phones were as big as suitcases, and the music was pulled directly off of every 80’s movie ever made. Oh, and as a prostitute she only wanted $300 to stay with him the entire night. Yeah, he’s in a fucking penthouse suite, it must obviously be 1990 if she only wants $300 for an entire night. Horrible prostitute, right? Nope, it was the times.

I’d give this movie 8 of 10 stars because I did enjoy it and it had phenomenal actors in it sans Jason Alexander (who actually did very well in the movie playing a dumbass). Also you get to see Julia’s tits. Small though they may be, it’s still nice to see them. I’d pay good money to see Amy’s. Like $300 for an entire night’s worth. Until then, I leave you again with this.

All of this. Yes.

This is the stuff of wet dreams.

5 responses to “Movie Review: Pretty Woman

  1. Pingback: Dumbest Freeway Exit Ever? | Stuphblog

  2. i used to jack off like crazy to this when i was a teenager

  3. Pingback: Movie Review: Turbo | Beefy's House o' Fun

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