I did this once already and had fun with it. Somehow I wound up impaled on a flag pole in front of the Museum of Natural History in Chicago. Don’t ask. So I’m sure I’ll have just as much fun this go around.
Memphis, TN – A 33 year old man by the name of Beefybooyawn was found dead today in an unfortunate accident on Beale Street in Memphis. Beefybooyawn, known to his friends and family as “Beefy”, was para-sailing, which isn’t a big thing in Memphis. To our knowledge, he’s the only one who’s ever done it.
The odds were against him as it is winter and para-sailing is something that usually happens in warmer weather. It is also something that happens, typically, over water. Instead of para-sailing down the Mississippi River which one would expect, Beefy went down the famous Beale Street. Witnesses report that he had been shouting something about “The government, big brother, and mayonnaise. He kept mentioning ‘mayonnaise’.”
Because of the telephone lines that run down and across Beale Street at different places, the line holding Beefy’s para-glider in the air got snagged on one, bringing him quickly down to the road. Witnesses say they’ve never seen anything like it.
“It exploded! I didn’t think those big kite things could do that,” said Wynona Fleming, one of the witnesses and a waitress at the nearby Hard Rock Cafe. “I mean, what on it is combustible?”
She wasn’t the only one confused, as more witnesses told us that Beefy appeared to have nothing on his person, even clothing, as he was wearing nothing more than a loin cloth. He also had a very large smile on his face even to the point of contact with the ground, leading to the explosion of the light-weight aircraft.
The car pulling the para-glider and Beefy, an orange 1969 Pontiac GTO Judge, took off after the explosion and hasn’t been seen since. People say the cord hooked up to the car continued to pull the flaming wreckage of the para-glider down the street a few blocks until it came loose and left the glider and Beefy’s body, lay.
Beefy is survived by his wife, who was too busy laughing to speak on his behalf, two dogs, three rats, and several fish who are on the verge of dying. Sources say the fish will not suffer a fate like their owners. They’ll simply just “die.”