T-Mobile Sucks Assnuts

My wife and I used to have T-mobile, because they had the “friends list”. We signed up for a family plan, including her cousin in the mix, and we got what we thought was a good deal. Hell, we could have five people in our circle of friends who we could call for what was supposed to be free.

We found out quickly that T-mobile doesn’t just like making money based off of their already high prices. No, they also nickel and dime the hell out of you to help their CEO buy yet another jet airliner.

Our bill worked out to be $45 per person ON PAPER, but when we started getting bills for $200, we were a bit curious. So we contacted them and of course they said “Whoops! Our bad!” and they’d knock some money off of the bill. But it happened every month. They know what they’re doing.

At another point of our services with them we bought an internet stick so we could have internet at the house. Our internet with that stick was horrible. We always had almost no reception with it, thus giving us no internet. Yet we paid $45 a month for that service, naturally locked into an agreement.

I called them and complained about the service. On the second or third call with them, we found out that their tower in our area was down and being repaired and that it would be back up “soon”. A month went by and it was still shitty service, so I called again to get the same message, the tower was down. I told them it was bullshit that they not only refused to inform their customers that this problem was occurring, but they continued to charge us the full price for internet when we were getting none, and they KNEW we were getting none.

Another issue I had with them was, the first phone I had purchased through them was a great phone and I loved it. Naturally that has nothing to do with T-mobile, that has to do with Nokia being awesome. I damaged the phone but had insurance. I called to get a replacement of my phone and they told me it would cost me $45 for the new phone (apparently $45 is T-mobiles go-to price for everything). I told the bitch on the phone that I could go to T-mobile’s website and order a brand new phone for free through a promotion they were running, but since I had been shelling out extra money every fucking month for insurance I was being forced into PAYING MORE for another phone? What the fuck?! I didn’t get a new version of that phone, which I still miss. Instead, since I had to pay, I went with another phone all together, which wound up sucking hard.

That’s T-mobile for you, scam artists at their best. I told them to kiss my ass, I wasn’t paying for my service with them nor was I paying to drop the contract early. As far as I know we still owe them money, but fuck them, they ain’t seeing a dime from me. We left them and went elsewhere and things have been great ever since.

However lately I’ve been seeing this billboard down the road from my house. Apparently T-mobile just opened up a new shop near the billboard, so now they have to pollute the sky with this trash.


First of all, I don’t know what some stupid bitch wearing a leather jump suit while standing in front of a motorcycle has to do with cell phones, or even T-mobile, but there she is. I can only assume it’s to represent how “fast” their 4G service is. But she’s not riding the bike, flying down the road at mach 10. She’s just standing there looking like an AIDS infested whore. She works for T-mobile, so it’s a possibility.

Next, there are currently three services that I know of, Verizon, Sprint and now T-mobile, who all claim to have the fastest 4G. Do you know what 4G is? 4G actually isn’t even as fast as the fastest 3G can get. I heard this from a cell phone salesman who knows his shit better than I do about it. He said 3G can go ultra fucking fast, but they turned it way down so that they could have “room for improvement.” Now we have 4G which is basically 3G turned up a bit. Oh yeah, and there’s room for improvement still. As soon as every provider is running nothing but 4G, they’ll get it up to 5G for sure, and it will still be 3G just turned up a little higher.

So what does this mean? They’re fucking us, completely, and they know we’ll bite into it because why the fuck not? We’re savvy consumers after all.

Finally, what the fuck record are they setting straight? I don’t even have a witty guess at this. It’s just fucking stupid. There’s no record that I’m aware of that needs any straight setting, but they’re going to set it straight. Good for them for going above and beyond into an area where there’s no need to go above and beyond at all. Yes, T-mobile, set the imaginary record straight. It’s about time, too.

Fuck you T-mobile, fuck you in your shitty service, money sucking, customer raping asses. Fuck you. I can’t say it enough to them, FUCK YOU.

The only good thing that came from all of this is, while I was waiting on my wife to get her hair cut and I was staring at the billboard just outside of where we were, wanting to punch the fuck out of that bitch on the billboard, I noticed one of the girls cutting hair looked just like Lauren Graham, who happens to be on my hot-chicks-I’d-totally-bang-hard list (FUCK ME SANTA! FUCK ME SANTA! Yeah.). So this girl cutting hair has now officially entered herself into that list. Good for her, I’m sure her father is proud.

3 responses to “T-Mobile Sucks Assnuts

  1. I sense a little anger…

  2. Pingback: Delivery Tales: And This One Belongs To… | Beefy's House o' Fun

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