Movie Review: Wrong Turn 5

Now that I think about it, this would have been a great Halloween article, but as usual I’m late. Anyway, this contains some spoilers just like most of my shit does, so keep that in mind.

Now, if you’ve been following my movie reviews and my outlook on the Wrong Turn series, you’ll know that I have high hopes for this fifth film. So far, the movies have gotten better with each new addition, and the fourth movie was by far the best of the group.

I’m not sure if this is Wrong Turn 5 or Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines because the advertisements for the movie show “Bloodlines” but the beginning of the movie only says “Wrong Turn 5”, so I just went with what the movie told me. Although now that I look it up I find that it was supposed to be called Wrong Turn 5: Bloodbath, but they decided to go with “Bloodlines”, which they didn’t even use at the beginning of the movie.

This one started off pretty good. A naked chick getting boned by her boyfriend is always a good thing to see, especially at the beginning of the movie. But what’s that? They’re going to get killed right away? No, it’s just their stupid college aged friends scaring them. But they are dressed up to look like the cannibalistic family from the Wrong Turn series. Why is that? We’ll get to that.

Then we go to the main town where there are a ton of people dressed up like the demented family. A news reporter is doing a report, a.k.a. “filling us in” on the setup of the movie. Basically, there’s a festival that goes on in this town every year on Halloween. It’s billed as being the size of Lollapalooza and it’s called the Mountain Men Festival. Bands come and party while everyone has a good time dressed up like mountain men.

The college crew is there for the festival and they have their costumes made out. There’s only one problem. The acting and the writing are not good. The news reporter doesn’t even sound like a news reporter while she’s giving the report. She just sounds like a dumb bitch. She then goes out for a jog, and appropriately wears an all yellow jump suit. An all yellow clad reporter? April O’Neil much?

She dies pretty good, but then her death is followed up with a bad, bad line. The guy who kills her also chops off her hand, and when the famous murdering family comes back to him he says, “Give me a hand.”

One of the deformed family members picks up her hand and holds it out to him. When that isn’t good enough, he shrugs and tosses it aside.

Now remember, these are cannibals. Throwing her hand aside is wasting food. So far, not impressed.

Back to the camping group (the one with the fucking couple at the beginning) you have your typical cast. They look like a bunch of preppies, but you still have the one stoner guy with all of the goods (pot, shrooms, X) and the guitar-playing/long-haired guy. While the latter is telling the background of the festival they’re participating in he seems like he’s trying too hard to be Adam Goldberg from Dazed and Confused.

Here we’re introduced to a whole new backstory on the crazy hill family. In 1814 the town was founded. In 1817 the hill people were pissed at the miners in the town and there was a blood bath as the hill people killed all the miners. No bodies were found (because the hill people are cannibals). So every year on Halloween they have a huge party dedicated to the mountain men.

The movie makes it sound like this party has been going on for a long time, yet this is the first we’ve ever heard about it, five movies in. Also, at the very beginning of the movie they would have you believe that after the slaughter in 1817 nobody has ever lived in that town since, yet when they show the festival happening, it’s going on in a modern day small mountain town.

Now I discover what I found out last year. The movie is taking place after the last one happened, and isn’t current. So basically, everyone in the last movies should have known about the festival.

Anyway, some shit goes down and a cop meets his end. He should have pulled his gun and fired, but he didn’t. Bad play, bad writing, but his death was fun to watch, so that adds up to something, right?

Horrible name drop, “Officer, I think I made a WRONG TURN”, after the entire power is shut off to the town (yet the bands are still playing at the festival). Also, we’re supposed to believe this is a small town (the set the town is made of LOOKS like a movie set) yet their power station that gets raided and shut down looks completely modern and way too big for a small town like this.

Another problem with the movie is, our college friends and the Sheriff in town are basically the only people in this movie who are murdered. Never mind that there is a crowd there of so many thousands of people, but our hill friends can only find the college kids and the Sheriff to go after. This is sort of nice though, as everyone in the movie gets killed, and I’m always fan of that. But I already knew it would happen this way because this movie isn’t in current time, so naturally everyone has to die. That’s the rule. (If you watch the movies in order of time frame you’d watch them in this order, 4,5,1,2,3.)

Camilla Arfwedson plays the Sheriff. I only point this out because I just watched an excellent porn with a chick in it that looks just like her… Hmmm…

The Sheriff also keeps saying how her night is going to only get worse, or how all of this has happened and it’s only the beginning of the night, implying that because of the festival going on and the huge crowd of people there that she’s in for a busy night. Yet for the most part, her night is relatively light. Also, with a crowd of people that big, wouldn’t there have been more police brought in to handle it? Instead, it’s just her and her few deputies. And she stays at the station the entire film.

I could go on and on pointing out the bad shit in this movie, but I’ll leave it for you to discover.

The second half shows some pretty decent murders and some twisted torturing, but other than that all of the bad shit in this movie (I could seriously write an entire list) made it pretty bad, especially considering how great the last four movies have been.

The special effects in this movie go from sort of bad to really awesome, so it seems that they spared their funds for the big stuff while cutting it for the little stuff.

At first I was going to say the first movie was more enjoyable than this one, but then I finished the movie and decided that this one is more enjoyable than the first. Now that I think back on it, I’ll have to say they tie for the worst in the series.

It does have one really good quality to it and that is, the death scenes are all on par with the grizzly death scenes from the other movies, so at least it has that going for it.

Now I’m hoping for a sixth movie, and I hope it goes back to being awesome like the second through fourth were. If not, then I’ll just give up on the series and continue to enjoy the second through the fourth films.

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