I was just doing my daily check up on weird shit happening in the news on Yahoo, when I stumbled upon this. And yeah, I know I hate Yahoo and I think they should all burn in hell (I’m positive they will), but their odd news stories are so much better than CBS News’ now. CBS used to have the best, but they changed their shit and now it’s just shit. Much like their typical TV listings. Anyway, for your viewing pleasure, here’s how far I got in the story once I opened that page…
New pedal-free bicycle relies on running momentum
That’s as far as I got. I couldn’t read any of the story to find out if this is a hoax or not, so I’m just kind of assuming that this is a real thing that somebody invented and multiple people have shown interest in enough for investors to be willing to spend money developing this thing and getting it in stores.
And what is their budget for this thing? Their official website is a fucking free Blogger blog. Sure mine is WordPress, but I’m not selling anything here (other than two books and some shitty shirts, all of which are better than that “bike”).
As I look at the picture of it, I think of how I would love to go on some huge maniacal tirade about how absofuckinglutely horrible this thing is, but the only thought I could form in my head when I look at this thing, literally, is:
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
I don’t think I’d want to use that thing at all. They call it a Fliz. Really? That sounds as gay as it looks.
I’m not saying “gay” as in it looks or sounds happy, or that it looks or sounds as if it were homosexual in nature, rather, that it’s fucking retarded.
I don’t have to explain my use of the word “retarded” do I?
Would you want to use this thing? I mean, you can’t really say you’re riding it because you’re not. It’s riding you, and that’s the opposite of how I want my bicycles to work.
The Fliz is a Flop (yeah, I got to using horrible word puns) and I swear to god if I see anybody on the street using one of these things I’m going to hit them with my car. Multiple times. Either buy a regular bicycle or get a bus pass.
And speaking of that, I’m sure this thing is going to cost a million bucks, and fucking idiots with money will buy them just to be in “that” crowd. I hope they get cancer. Multiple times.
And look at the neck and head region of that dude using the Fliz. After about ten minutes your neck would be so stiff from holding your fat head up just to see where the hell you’re going with this thing strapped to your body like a fucking parachute harness. In the time it would take for you to strap yourself in one of these metal atrocities (I’m assuming it’s metal, but it’s probably some sort of space-age aluminum or even plastic, or that shit that Crocs are made out of, fucking cheap bastards) I could have jumped on my bike and been off down the road.
And when I get to cruising, I just stop pedaling. You, on the other hand, have to do a pull up and get your legs off the ground. What if you’re going down a hill and you can’t stop? You just can’t run fast enough to get the damned thing, which is still fucking bear hugging you, to slow down. So what do you do? Jump off of it to save your life while you watch it crash to the ground and skid along the pavement at a hundred miles an hour? No, you can’t jump off of it, because once again, it’s on you. And it’s strapped to you. So you’re basically just fucked.
Oh, I guess you could just use the breaks. It does seem to come with those. But still, fuck that thing.
I hope the people who invented it, who most assuredly were high when they came up with the idea, die in a fire. Unless they’re sharing their stash with me, in which case, I know I could design something more badass than that. So yeah, I’m still down with the “them on fire” idea.
I bet they sat around, got wasted and then laughed at themselves as they spoke of an idea to design the dumbest shit they could that would actually get backers and buyers, and they did, and it worked. Amazing.
People wonder why we’re visited by aliens. They’re studying us to try and figure out why we’re wasting our time and resources on coming up with shit like this. And I don’t blame them. I wonder why we do it myself, only I’m not capable of doing any crop circles.
Or am I?