I’ve lived in this house off and on for the last 12 years and there’s one thing that can be said about it at any given time… it has bugs.
It’s not like the place is infested, because it’s not. It just has its normal amount of every day creepy crawlies, only they can be quite large at times. After all, they spend their time here in the comfort of my house eating the smaller creepy crawlies that are around, and they’re good at it. That’s why I don’t have an infestation, I just have a few giant bugs that act as bouncers to keep the smaller assholes out.
The one in particular, that if fame could be garnered from this it would make my house famous, is this bug, the house centipede.
And seriously? Fuck that thing. I said it once before here, and I’m saying it again. These things suck. They’re actually poisonous as well, which adds an extra “fuck you” to their grizzly presence. The good news is, typically they can’t bite a person and even if they did their poison isn’t enough to kill, just enough to hurt like a bitch for a few hours, much like a bee sting. But as I said before, the things that grow in my house are rather large, so I am in jeopardy of having one of these things eat me.
However, as I also said, these bigger things eat the littler things which is a good thing, because one of the things the house centipede loves to eat on is spiders and I hate them more than I hate the centipede.
Because of this fact, I stopped killing the house centipedes I’d see in my house only after about 8 years of killing them, and rapidly losing the battle. Now that I’ve let them live, they’ve taken care of most of the other bugs in my house and I live relatively bug free, with the occasional centipede sighting. I try to ignore them and eventually they do go away and I can relax, knowing it’s probably off murdering great amounts of other insects that I hate. And I can appreciate that.
Last night, however, things took a turn for the worst. My wife and I were sitting in our living room playing a round of Left 4 Dead 2 when she points out that a centipede was on the ceiling. I looked and noticed there was, and he was quite large. I looked at my wife and shrugged. Fuck him, if he’s up there and I’m down here, and he’s leaving me the fuck alone, he can survive.
We continued playing the game and after a few minutes I noticed movement out of my peripheral. I looked up in time to see he had moved a foot or two on the ceiling. Awesome, he’s stalking something. Go murder, my friend.
A few more moments go by and I see he’s moved another foot across the ceiling, making his way along the border of the wall. Typical, that’s where they like to run, not just right out in the open, which would be suicide.
A few more moments go by and all of a sudden there’s a tap on my shoulder. I look around in time to see that fucker running across my shoulder to my back. This fat guy never moved so fast in his life. I jumped up and slung my shirt off across the room. My wife was laughing hysterically.
That fucker made record time as he went from where I last saw him to the spot above my shoulder, and then he fucking jumped off of the ceiling onto me. FUCK. THAT.
We searched my shirt and couldn’t find him, so naturally I was scared he was either still on me or he was in my chair, so I didn’t want to sit down. My dogs decided they wanted to go outside, so I went to let them up. As I came back in, my wife pointed to the wall and he had made his way back to the wall, in the corner, and was moving his way up it. I grabbed a paper towel and crunched his ass to smithereens.
Happy, I put my shirt back on and sat back down in my chair and all was forgotten. But still, I could feel his body crunching in my hand as I played the game, because he was big enough that his death left an impact on my life. I thought about his large frame crunching under my hand. UGH. That alone was the biggest reason why I was happy to stop killing those things. They’re thicker and harder than they look.
As for my future with the bugs, like I said, if they leave me alone I’ll leave them alone. I hope they were all watching as I murdered their buddy, because I was sending that message. Stick to your turf and I’ll stick to mine.