Awesome Animals: Platypus

Sometimes I sit around thinking to myself, “what could be the most badass animal in the entire universe?” Not just the galaxy, mind you, the entire fucking universe.

Sometimes I think that maybe it’s the almighty Sloth. Maybe it could even be the Rat. How about a Killdeer? Maybe, just maybe, it’s the Tyrannosaurus Rex.

But no, my friends, it’s none of the above. It is, in fact, the Platypus.

Enjoying a swim after a days work, this guy dammed up the Nile River all by himself in just four hours. There are no more trees in Africa.

The fact of the matter is, the Platypus is the most badass ever. For instance, why are there no dinosaurs left? Because a Platypus came home from work one day pissed. That’s why.

Never mind the fact that every Platypus ever has earned a kuro obi in judo, the male Platypus is actually poisonous. If you take nothing away from this blog, take this with you.

The male is actually poisonous. They have these spurs on their hind legs which can inject anything with enough venom to kill a mongoose. In humans it just hurts like a bitch. But smaller animals and giant dinosaurs need to watch out.

Also, they are just one of five types of mammals on the planet that have bills. I have bills, but nobody gives a shit.

And in case you haven’t noticed, their tales are flat. This is so they can spank each other during naughty time.

Another amazing factoid about the Platypus is, they created Pilates. Notice the similarity in the names? That’s no coincidence. Since the Platypus is all about judo and being at one with the body, they also know a great deal about not only Pilates, but also Yoga. And Yoda. They are very into Star Wars.

Lastly, they are from in and around Australia, but many people don’t know that they also inhabit Mars. True story.

4 responses to “Awesome Animals: Platypus

  1. Nobody cares about my bills either, man…

  2. I about died laughing reading the picture caption.

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