My all-time favorite animal in the world is the Sloth.
Sloths come in several varieties, but the two main kinds are the three-toed and the two-toed. For many years I was a fan of the three-toed variety. Sloths are awesome creatures, because they’re lazy.
Sloths only have three-toes, so naturally they move rather slow. How slow? So slow that algae grows on their fur. And sloths are so laid back that they don’t give a shit. The algae on their fur helps them to blend in to their surroundings, which is what helps keep predators at bay.
If they are attacked, these badasses come out of their shells and do some major ass kicking. They take those long claws they have and start slashing at their attacker, as well as biting and gnawing on them. They also let out a loud high-pitched girlie scream and they dance around like a fruit.
So just how laid back are they? They sleep for up to 20 hours a day, so they don’t even have time to give a shit about having algae on their fur.
The time they are awake they spend eating and using the bathroom. Since it takes them forever to move anywhere, they use all four hours awake just trying to get to the john. I’m sure they eat on the way. Speaking of eating, they only eat things that move slower than they do, like leaves and fruit and gyros.
That reminds me of a joke. A three-toed sloth ordered pizza for delivery. But a two-toed sloth was delivering it. The three-toed sloth never got his food.
Yeah, so it wasn’t that good. But how many three-toed/two-toed sloth jokes do you know? One now! Bitch.
When I was a senior in high school I went to a museum in Chicago and discovered that there was a two-toed variety and my life changed forever. Two-toes? How can something that is so awesome with only three toes even manage to live with its awesomeness with one less toe?
The biggest difference between the two types, aside from the number of digits they have, is the two-toed sloth hangs upside down more often than not. If I was that slow and lazy, I’d totally be upside down all the time.
Another awesome tidbit of info, the sloths have a hard time moving around on land, but if they get into water they can swim like Michael Phelps, only slower.
Personally, I’d love to have a sloth as a pet. Since they don’t do much of anything, I wouldn’t have to do much of anything to take care of it. Just make sure it has plenty of leaves and fruit to eat, and don’t piss it off so that it doesn’t unleash its Wolverine-esque onslaught.
As it turns out, three-toed sloths don’t do so well in captivity, but two-toed sloths do. They can live up to 20 years in your residence.
So now I’m off to go get myself a two-toed sloth to keep in my house. I’m sure they sell them at the local pet store. Just so long as the ones at the major chain store aren’t sold as feeders.