Movie Review: Mutant Chronicles

Oh dear God how did this come to be? I have witnessed yet another movie that was worse than the worst movie I’ve ever seen.

The worst movie I’ve ever seen was Night Train To Terror. I own it. I had to. I wanted in my collection the worst movie ever made.

And now I’ve seen two movies that were worse than that, and Mutant Chronicles is one of the two. I can’t remember the other, but it was the same type of movie, a SyFy channel movie, only I lasted longer in the other movie than this one before shutting it off prematurely.

To sum up the movie, I’ll begin with one of the single worst opening monologues of all time, word for word.

At the end of the Ice Age the machine came. It came from outside. It came from space. It came with one purpose, to change man into mutant.

Yeah, and I’m pretty sure Ron Perlman is reading that. And it’s SO HORRIBLE, which fits, because the movie is just as horrible.

And it has fucking Hellboy in it! How can anything with Hellboy be bad? I just don’t get it.

"I'll never be in a bad chump-change movie again!"


This kind of shit is being turned into movies and I’m still unpublished.

By the first commercial break fifteen minutes into the movie, I was wondering if the movie was ever going to get started, and then I realized I had bypassed watching it to write this.

There was only one good thing I got to see in the twenty five minutes I actually watched of the movie, and it was their over abundance of blood. People dying were doing so with a splash. Blood at every turn.

How bad was this movie? It fucked even that up. I love that much blood, but it has to be somewhat realistic. If someone gets his head chopped off and fifty gallons of blood spews out of his neck hole, SURE that’s not going to really happen, BUT people can bleed profusely out of their neck holes. So it’s somewhat realistic.

In this movie, the mutants have giant spear-like arms with no hands, just a sharp ass spear, and they’re stabbing guys through the bodies with them. Mostly around the neck and head area. One guy gets cut twice, like as if with a knife, just-a-flesh-wound-cut, on his face. Apparently it’s not only bad enough to kill him, but he immediately vomits a gallon of blood in between getting slashed and dying. And then a guy gets stabbed through the head and brain with one of these arm spears and he, too, vomits a gallon of blood.

I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure that would never happen. Ever. Thanks for the blood, but it’s unrealistic in EVERY way. I need for it to only be unrealistic in one or two ways.

And then I heard Mr. Ron “Hellboy” Perlman (I’ll never forget you were Hellboy Ron! NEVER!) speaking some more horrible lines about “THERE’S ALWAYS HOPE!” and trying his damnedest to act his way through the horrible script, but he couldn’t do it. I’m glad he kind of picked it back up in Conan (at least he wasn’t too bad in it) but damn, can’t we get a third Hellboy? I guess I’ll just have to wait for the fall for Sons of Anarchy. At least I know I can count on that.

Oh shit, I almost forgot. I give this movie NOTHING out of 10 stars because I couldn’t even finish it.

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