5 Things I Hate (For Odd Reasons)

I have a friend who is overly critical about a lot of things. He typically hates things that he has either never seen or listened to just based on the fact that they are really popular, and he’s always been this way. It’s not necessarily a bad thing.

For the most part, I’m the same way although history would shows that I have actually watched or listened to certain things that were overly popular that he wouldn’t have, and in some cases I’ve liked things that were very popular, even if I wanted to hate them and more so, I’ll admit to liking them even if it might make me sound gay.

I'm a huge fan, seriously.

However, I am still the same way to a degree, and now I’d like to tell you about five incidents where I hated something for reasons other than I actually watched, read, or listened to them. Two of them are actually irrational fears I have. I mean, if you’re going to talk about hating things for no damn good reason, fears have to be a part of that list.

Recently my wife was jamming out to some Duran Duran while on her computer. Hearing the song, I asked her who it was and she told me. Instantly I thought back to when I was only fifteen and I saw a thing for the band INXS. I don’t know how one lead me to the other, it just happened.

I had never listened to INXS (or Duran Duran), and at fifteen years old in the middle of the 90s I was listening to things like Green Day, Nirvana, and the greatest band in the world, AC/DC. I was also a member of the CD delivery service BMG Music Club. Remember them?

I did a search on them to see if they were still around and apparently they are not, but you used to be able to get twelve CD’s for a penny or a dollar, and then you’d have to buy so many within a certain period of time at regular (jacked up) prices to complete the offer.

Since I was a teenager with no real way to the mall to buy music and no good record stores within bike-riding distance, in pre-internet-with-free-mp3-downloads (torrents rock) times, but with a lawn mowing service pumping hole-burning money into my pocket, I had to get a membership. Plus, who can pass up twelve CD’s for a penny?

I actually had to get a money order for a penny.


5. INXS


While reading through one of the booklets they sent to me I came across a big display for one of INXS’s albums. It doesn’t matter which one, because I do not remember. This was seventeen years ago, and INXS. The mini-article under the picture of the album said something that completely ruined INXS for me, before I had even listened to them. It said “Australia’s Best Rock Band”, and I froze in place.

From left to right, Vanilla Ice, Max Headstrom, wait... at least Michael Hutchence knew what was up.

Say what? You bastards really are trying to unload your warehouse full of INXS CD’s that nobody wants, aren’t you? Because everybody knows Australia’s best rock band is AC/DC, no questions asked.

THAT looks like a rock band.

Even if you’re not a fan of AC/DC, and even if you’re the fan of INXS, on paper only four other rock bands have topped AC/DC in sales. I’m not entirely sure which ones but off the top of my head The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Queen and Pink Floyd, in order.

INXS wasn’t even on the list, but the New Kids On The Block were. And NKOTB arrived seven years after INXS started. Nothing against Kenny G, but when he beats you on the charts, just call it a day.

"I outsold you, bitches."

Because of BMG telling lies like they did, it’s no wonder they’re no more (and because of torrents). And it’s because of Kenny G that Michael Hutchence killed himself. What, too soon?

I wonder if he was buried in his AC/DC shirt…

"We never really knew of him..."

What Happened: Nothing, I still don’t like them.


4. Duran Duran


Seriously, who the fuck is Duran Duran? I was up late one night and a Time Life infomercial came on telling me to purchase their line of retrospective DVD’s on one of the greatest bands of all time, Duran Duran. I started going to bed earlier.

"I outsold you bitches, too."

That’s right, Mr. G totally did. As did a whole lot of other artists, such as Andrea Bocelli, an Italian Opera star. He’s only sold 70 million albums, apparently only in Italy. That blows out Duran Duran’s number of a wimpy 60-70 million.

Ti ho superato nelle vendite, femmine.

Hell, my grandmother sold more albums. And she wasn’t a recording artist.

What Happened: Nothing, I still don’t really care for them, except that song my wife was playing on her computer, which is a catchy number.


3. Jimmy Fallon


Jimmy Fallon is from a line of Saturday Night Live actors and actresses that I can’t stand. To be clear, I was never much of a SNL fan to begin with, but I did grow up watching some of the finest and funniest actors to ever grace the big screen in some of the best movies ever.

Need I say more?

Ok, I had one more.

I could go on and on. And it was because these geniuses were behind the madness. Right around the time that Norm McDonald left the show is when it started really sucking for me. And now, I can’t stand it totally. Watching a bunch of stiff actors not look at each other while they talk to one another just isn’t funny to me, and nobody can do the Weekend Update better than Norm, except of course Kevin Nealon.

And then I start to see all of these movies involving the newer members of SNL and I want to hurl.

What. The. Fuck. ?.

And really, anybody who enjoyed it is simply a new SNL fan who enjoys that kind of stuff, but not for me. And for some reason, I just couldn’t grasp anything they were doing, especially a twitchy Jimmy Fallon. And then when Family Guy made fun of him, I couldn’t help but really truly hate him (because I believe anything Family Guy tells me).

"Um, I'm so lame, like totally. Yeah yeah yeah."

What Happened: Believe it or not I watched the movie Taxi starring Jimmy Fallon and Queen Latifah and I began changing my mind. They worked very well together in the movie and it turned out to be a decent flick. Still to this day I can’t believe that I liked it, but then again I like Dirty Dancing, so what’s it to ya?

I bet they fucked off the set.

After that he got his own late night talk show and reluctantly I gave it a shot and found it to be extremely funny. More importantly, I found him to be extremely funny, and now I’m hooked. I guess not everything turns out bad.


2. Heights


I think, in all honesty, any phobia is ridiculous. What they all boil down to is, face your fears. However, some phobias are legit. If someone is mauled by a bear, they’re probably not going to go around bears again, ever.

Ask the Grizzly Man.

With that said, there are tons of phobias out there now that people have of the most insane things, and for no good reason at all.

Take me for example. I hate heights. I think they suck. I’d like to kick a height’s ass. But I can’t, because height totally kicks mine. And it counts for any height, whether it be over land, or over water. For example, I really don’t ever want to go on a cruise, because there is a lot of space between the top of the water and the bottom of the ocean.

I know the ocean's bottom isn't directly beneath that boat.

I can’t really do tall buildings, like standing on the top of the Sears Tower or something and looking down. Fuck that. The same can be said about being on the Green River once with my dad on a tour boat. At one point the river wasn’t so wide, but the tour guide let us know the river was two hundred feet deep at that point. I almost jumped over board and swam to the bank, but fuck getting in water that deep.

I just can’t do it. And I have no real reason for this fear. At all. I don’t know where it came from, but I don’t like it and I don’t know if I can ever deal with it.

What Happened: I took a flight. I got on an airplane and let it fly me thousands of feet over the ground. I even did this after 9/11. Big brass balls, right? I faced my fear, in a way, and I totally enjoyed it.

That doesn’t mean I’ll be getting on another one anytime soon, although I don’t have any qualms about it now. Getting on a cruise ship, or any boat for that matter, and going out into the ocean is still off of my list, but one day, who knows?


1. Spiders


I hate spiders for no good reason either. They haven’t done anything to me. In fact, they should be scared of me, because as a boy I would find Grand Daddy Long Legs and pull their legs off, laughing as they would twitch around on the ground, having life with no body.

Your ass is mine, "Legs"!

I can deal with them, no problem, still to this day. But other spiders have it out for me. It could be the giant wolf spider my wife found in the basement one day that was so big, when we took a picture of it, the flash from the camera reflected off of the spider’s eyes and we visibly saw the reflected flash.

Yeah, these bastards get big, too.

That isn’t the one we took a picture of. You actually couldn’t see him in the picture because the flash from his eyes was too bright and it blocked him out. We discarded it after that. It was like a blurry picture of Bigfoot. People want to believe, but they just can’t.

There he is! Clear as day!

What Happened: One day I found myself fed up at the fear of spiders. My house is full of them and I can’t live in fear like that. So I took the fear-fueled rage and used it to kill the spiders in my house. The anger towards the spider was so great that I even allowed another bug in my house to live because of its ability to not harm me, but kill spiders. This evil looking bastard.

Seriously? Fuck that thing.

As it turns out, if this “house centipede” can actually bite me, and some of the larger ones can, I’ll react to it like a bee sting, which is cool cause those don’t suck. However, these ugly atrocities love to hunt and kill spiders for some serious grubbing. I say “serious” because if they’re eating the spiders in my house, they’re getting a Thanksgiving dinner with every arachnid.

I have a really hard time killing those centipedes anyway because some of them get to be gigantic, four or five inches in length at times and make a huge crunchy mess when they’re killed. No thanks.

Besides, one time I tried to kill one but it kicked my ass and talked shit the entire time. After it was done it told me it only wanted to grub so I let it go. I do seem to be seeing more of the centipedes in my house all the time, but the spider population isn’t big at all anymore, and I’m cool with that.

For me and the centipede, today we will live in harmony. Tomorrow, though, watch your ass.

2 responses to “5 Things I Hate (For Odd Reasons)

  1. Pingback: My New Thing | Beefy's House o' Fun

  2. Pingback: When Bugs Attack | Beefy's House o' Fun

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