Editorial Archives: Who The Fuck Is Vanessa Carlton Anyway?

Who The Fuck Is Vanessa Carlton Anyway?
Mar. 14, 2005

That’s all I want to know. Who the hell does she think she is? I’m sure you’ve seen her ad for Time Warner Cable (if it’s in your area). She’s the stupid bitch that plays the piano and “sings” that song “Time, is on my side, yes it is…” and she not only ruins it, but she puts shame and disgrace on piano players all over the world, not to mention her family.

That SHOULD’VE been the cover of her new CD, but as it is I added the “Talentless Bitch” on to it. She has nothing to offer the world at all. As a matter of fact, her boyfriend is the singer from Third Eye Blind. At least the talentless bitches are staying together.

So I was wondering how the fuck someone like this could get a record deal so I did a search on her. I was thinking that she was probably one of those American Idol winners, since that show sucks. But no, she actually was heard playing in a bar by a record dealer. Apparently the record guy is the same that signed up Third Eye Blind. Anyway, here’s what her bio said. This is from Yahoo Launch.

Born in a tiny town in Pennsylvania, this musician was listening to music before she was born, as her mother performed various classical pieces in the home’s piano. At the age of two, Carlton and her parents went to Disney World, where she heard “It’s A Small World.” Falling in love with the song, she discerned the song’s melody on the piano when she returned home. Having composed her first piano piece at age eight, Carlton was exposed to a wide array of music, from Debussy to Pink Floyd. At 14, she was accepted into the School of American Ballet in New York, where she lived in a dorm in the famous Lincoln Center. But, after being in the top of her class, she became frustrated at the strictness of the discipline. This frustration led to her playing a nearby piano within the dorm, from which a multitude of songs began forming. After waitressing in Lower Manhattan and living in Hell’s Kitchen, Carlton would drive between her place and her parents’ home on weekends, attempting to record “the perfect demo” on piano. Open-mic nights in New York City followed, and her music caught the attention of important music industry ears. In February 2002, her debut single A Thousand Miles, hit the charts and its video was played on MTV. She has performed on Rosie O’Donnell, MTV’s TRL, and has been mentioned in Rolling Stone as one of ten artists to watch in 2002. In April 2002, she released her debut album, Be Not Nobody. Carlton’s second effort, Harmonium followed two years later. ~ Jason MacNeil, All Music Guide

So she went to the School of American Ballet in New York and quit. She should’ve kept up with it because she is sexy and ballet chicks are usually hot. Plus, it’s a silent thing, she wouldn’t have to sing. Oh man, if only.

And in the beginning, “was listening to music before she was born”. What the fuck? How does that make sense? When our mother’s were pregnant with us, chances are good that at some point in those 9 months they were around music. So technically we’ve almost all been listening to music since before we were born. Jason MacNeil should’ve been a nuclear physicist with great writing skills like that.

And did you notice the last part of that bio? Let’s see, she was on MTV. MTV sucks, so that figures. She was on TRL, and that sucks hairy monkey balls. So that figures too. She was also on the Rosie O’Donnell show, which has since been cancelled. Figures. And Rolling Stone says that she’s one of the 10 artists to watch in 2002. That makes sense too. Let’s take a look at the list of great artists in 2002. *insert cricket noise* That’s right, 2002 sucked for music. So I’m surprised that there were even 10 sucky artists worth watching that year.

I was with a friend of mine one night just hanging out watching tv and that commercial came on where Vanessa’s murdering that “Time is on my side” song and my friend is a pianist and she actually started crying. I asked her why she was crying and she said because that bitch Vanessa Carlton just ruined piano playing for many years to come. I felt her pain.

If you haven’t heard her play you’re not missing much. Her playing isn’t all that bad, but her singing is… well… her singing sounds like she’s trying to squeeze a puking monkey out of her ass.

I was reading a review of this new CD of hers (by the way there are two to name unfortunately) and among all of the great things this reviewer says about her CD “Unharmonious”, he says this about her boyfriend being her producer… “as a producer and co-songwriter, and his presence doesn’t so much alter Carlton’s music as give it a sharper, direct focus.” Sharper and direct focus my sweaty hairy ass. His direction is going to do for her career what it did for his own. Currently he’s best known as FORMER frontman for Third Eye Blind. FORMER. Meaning they aren’t around anymore. I’m not bitching about that though. That’s actually a good sign, that maybe her career won’t last nearly as long as theirs did, and she might be out of the little lime light that she’s in now.

If she was naked more, maybe I’d have to buy her CD, just for the pictures of course. But since she’s not, fuck her.

I hate Vanessa almost as much as I hated Third Eye Blind.

10 responses to “Editorial Archives: Who The Fuck Is Vanessa Carlton Anyway?

  1. I don’t know who the fuck she is either.

  2. No surprise. She had no radio hits that I’m aware of, and her only hit “Time Is On My Side”, that old Rolling Stones song, she murdered. It was all over Time Warner Cable’s commercials for a while, which you may have seen back when they were airing. She’s done nothing since, much like I predicted. There’s one video of it on Youtube, but it’s not a good one. It’s one of the later ones where they cut out her singing to tell about the special, where as the earlier commercials were mostly her singing, and they were disgusting. You’re not missing a thing.

  3. Eh, not a fan of the Stones, either. So she couldn’t have killed any of their songs any more dead than they did.

  4. I’m not a huge fan of the Stones, although I do like a few of their tunes. I think they’re entirely overplayed, and I actually wrote a song about it that I never got to record. They’re played on every fucking radio station out there, and on satellite they have their own station. Overkill much?

  5. Vanessa Carlton's mother

    You fucking cunt I will fucking murder you

  6. only fucking bitches would hate her. So if youRe way better talented that her then show it off. only closed minded people would waste thier fuckin time writing shit about somebody. Why do you hate people without any explainable reasons. What i can tell you is , you are just beating around the bush. You are jelous of her talent and tell you what you will never ever reach her level by making a hate blog for somebody

    • Is that right? And power in the universe makes your opinion more credible than mine? You said yourself only closed minded people would waste their fucking time writing shit about somebody, yet here you are writing shit about me, and you don’t know me. So you’re a closed minded person, with horrible grammar, by the way, so thanks for that. I don’t hate people with no reason. I have plenty, and your comment is one of them. You’ve just added fuel to the fire. Thanks, dipshit.

    • I’m a classically trained pianist and composer. Vanessa Carlton, I’m sure is a lovely person. But her music, though enjoyable at first, was overplayed into the ground. Her piano playing isn’t complex or even musically interesting (alternating octaves that close inwards to a simple melody), and she plays with poor technique. Most pop stars do, which is why they don’t continue performing for very long.

      If you play piano and are holding her as a standard of performance practice, please don’t. You may cause yourself real damage over time. Tendinitis is no joke, and I’ve been told it’s quite painful.

      • That’s interesting. Someone who knows what they’re talking about says what I was saying. Interesting. I guess that means I know what I’m talking about.

        I also found this interesting in the review thing in the article. About her ballet, “But, after being in the top of her class, she became frustrated at the strictness of the discipline.” What’s that? She doesn’t like the strictness? Her piano playing shows that. If she could have done ballet sloppy too she would’ve continued with it, I’m sure.

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