Who The Fuck Is Vanessa Carlton Anyway?
Mar. 14, 2005
That’s all I want to know. Who the hell does she think she is? I’m sure you’ve seen her ad for Time Warner Cable (if it’s in your area). She’s the stupid bitch that plays the piano and “sings” that song “Time, is on my side, yes it is…” and she not only ruins it, but she puts shame and disgrace on piano players all over the world, not to mention her family.
That SHOULD’VE been the cover of her new CD, but as it is I added the “Talentless Bitch” on to it. She has nothing to offer the world at all. As a matter of fact, her boyfriend is the singer from Third Eye Blind. At least the talentless bitches are staying together.
So I was wondering how the fuck someone like this could get a record deal so I did a search on her. I was thinking that she was probably one of those American Idol winners, since that show sucks. But no, she actually was heard playing in a bar by a record dealer. Apparently the record guy is the same that signed up Third Eye Blind. Anyway, here’s what her bio said. This is from Yahoo Launch.
Born in a tiny town in Pennsylvania, this musician was listening to music before she was born, as her mother performed various classical pieces in the home’s piano. At the age of two, Carlton and her parents went to Disney World, where she heard “It’s A Small World.” Falling in love with the song, she discerned the song’s melody on the piano when she returned home. Having composed her first piano piece at age eight, Carlton was exposed to a wide array of music, from Debussy to Pink Floyd. At 14, she was accepted into the School of American Ballet in New York, where she lived in a dorm in the famous Lincoln Center. But, after being in the top of her class, she became frustrated at the strictness of the discipline. This frustration led to her playing a nearby piano within the dorm, from which a multitude of songs began forming. After waitressing in Lower Manhattan and living in Hell’s Kitchen, Carlton would drive between her place and her parents’ home on weekends, attempting to record “the perfect demo” on piano. Open-mic nights in New York City followed, and her music caught the attention of important music industry ears. In February 2002, her debut single A Thousand Miles, hit the charts and its video was played on MTV. She has performed on Rosie O’Donnell, MTV’s TRL, and has been mentioned in Rolling Stone as one of ten artists to watch in 2002. In April 2002, she released her debut album, Be Not Nobody. Carlton’s second effort, Harmonium followed two years later. ~ Jason MacNeil, All Music Guide
So she went to the School of American Ballet in New York and quit. She should’ve kept up with it because she is sexy and ballet chicks are usually hot. Plus, it’s a silent thing, she wouldn’t have to sing. Oh man, if only.
And in the beginning, “was listening to music before she was born”. What the fuck? How does that make sense? When our mother’s were pregnant with us, chances are good that at some point in those 9 months they were around music. So technically we’ve almost all been listening to music since before we were born. Jason MacNeil should’ve been a nuclear physicist with great writing skills like that.
And did you notice the last part of that bio? Let’s see, she was on MTV. MTV sucks, so that figures. She was on TRL, and that sucks hairy monkey balls. So that figures too. She was also on the Rosie O’Donnell show, which has since been cancelled. Figures. And Rolling Stone says that she’s one of the 10 artists to watch in 2002. That makes sense too. Let’s take a look at the list of great artists in 2002. *insert cricket noise* That’s right, 2002 sucked for music. So I’m surprised that there were even 10 sucky artists worth watching that year.
I was with a friend of mine one night just hanging out watching tv and that commercial came on where Vanessa’s murdering that “Time is on my side” song and my friend is a pianist and she actually started crying. I asked her why she was crying and she said because that bitch Vanessa Carlton just ruined piano playing for many years to come. I felt her pain.
If you haven’t heard her play you’re not missing much. Her playing isn’t all that bad, but her singing is… well… her singing sounds like she’s trying to squeeze a puking monkey out of her ass.
I was reading a review of this new CD of hers (by the way there are two to name unfortunately) and among all of the great things this reviewer says about her CD “Unharmonious”, he says this about her boyfriend being her producer… “as a producer and co-songwriter, and his presence doesn’t so much alter Carlton’s music as give it a sharper, direct focus.” Sharper and direct focus my sweaty hairy ass. His direction is going to do for her career what it did for his own. Currently he’s best known as FORMER frontman for Third Eye Blind. FORMER. Meaning they aren’t around anymore. I’m not bitching about that though. That’s actually a good sign, that maybe her career won’t last nearly as long as theirs did, and she might be out of the little lime light that she’s in now.
If she was naked more, maybe I’d have to buy her CD, just for the pictures of course. But since she’s not, fuck her.
I hate Vanessa almost as much as I hated Third Eye Blind.