Editorial Archives: A Fun Night At Hooters

A Fun Night At Hooters
Apr. 13, 2005

Tonight I’m going out with Rhino and some other friends of mine for GB’s birthday and we’re going to Hooters. Thinking of this made me think of 3 years ago when we went to another Hooters for GB’s birthday and the events that happened that night. I just couldn’t believe that I never posted this anywhere. So, here’s what happened. This is all true.

The night started with me, Rhino, Rhino’s girlfriend, GB and his girlfriend. Rhino and GB are both currently dating the same women as they were when this incident took place. I don’t think that they will be with us tonight. I’m not upset. Not that I don’t like either of the girlfriends, but taking a woman to Hooters is like… well it’s like taking a woman anywhere. You just have more fun without them.

So we head to Hooters. We had only been to this particular Hooters a couple of times and that’s why GB wanted to go there. It was different. After this night, it was more different than we had thought.

This night GB turned 21, and both Rhino and I were 21 or older. Rhino and GBs women weren’t 21 yet. So of course we took them because we needed someone to drive us home. With all of that out of the way, here’s what happened.

We walk up to the door and the girl seating people asked us for our ID’s. We all looked around like idiots and then she said she was just joking and told us to sit anywhere. Not funny bitch.

So we sat down at what could’ve been the best table in the house that night. And we were there to celebrate. No food for us tonight, it was all alcohol. Our waitress comes up to us and we start the night with a pitcher of beer. The ladies had pop or something… soda for those who don’t understand “pop”.

After the third pitcher GB walks outside. After what seemed to be 10 minutes or so his girlfriend goes out after him. Another 10 minutes goes by and his girlfriend comes back to the table and I ask where he’s at and she says she don’t know. So I head outside to have a look.

The Hooters we were at sits on the Ohio River, as in it floats on the Ohio River. Outside is a big wood deck with a stage for the summer concerts they have there, and on the other side, opposite Hooters, is another huge establishment just floating on the river. They sell something like 200 different kinds of beer. We would’ve went there, but there’s a cover charge and you have to be 21 to get in.

So I’m standing outside looking for GB and this married couple comes down the walkway from the parking lot to the floating businesses and the lady gets up on the stage and starts dancing. We were the only three outside. I started cheering her on and told them to wait and I’d go get some singles. They both laughed and I went back inside. I get to the table and GB is sitting there. I asked him where he went and he said to the bathroom. I’m guessing he had a number 2. But he told me that while he was in the bathroom, there was a guy in there asking him where this club/bar was. As it turns out it was a block up the road and you could see it from the front door of Hooters, but GB didn’t know that. Anyway, that comes up later. GB also told me about a picture of an old Corvette on the wall by the bathroom and told me to go check it out. He’s into Corvettes.

On our 4th pitcher and still no food we’re all feeling pretty good. We’ve all (minus the ladies) drank about a pitcher and a third by ourselves. Not too much, but at this point Rhino and GB are just 21 and I’m only 22. So we haven’t had that much time to practice in the field of drinking. So we’re feeling fine. I look up towards the front door area which is also where the bathroom is and I see the lady that was outside dancing on the stage standing there trying to light a cigarette. So I go up to the wall and start looking for this Corvette picture and I’m standing right next to her. She’s standing there staring at the cigarette like it’s talking to her and she’s holding a lighter in her other hand. Then she asks me if I could light it for her.

At this point her husband walks out of the mens bathroom and over to us, as I’m lighting her cigarette. He said something to her about having a problem lighting the cigarette and she said that she “just couldn’t do it”. He then explained to me that she hasn’t smoked in 10 years and it was her birthday and she said that she wanted to smoke a cigarette for her birthday so he thought “what the hell, why not?”

We talked for a couple of minutes and then they decided to have a seat, right next to us. So we’re all drinking and having a good time. Our waitress informs us that she’s been taking shots all night at her tables. Apparently her customers are buying her these shots. Nice.

5th pitcher and I have to piss. I make my way to the bathroom and there’s a guy standing in the bathroom looking in the mirror. He’s not washing his hands, or fixing his hair… he’s just standing there looking at himself in the mirror. I start to piss in a urinal and he starts talking to me. He asks me if I know where this club/bar is and I tell him it’s right up the road. He could be there in 5 minutes if he walks slowly. He says that he understands and then asks me if I’d show him where it is. I told him that there was a 20 foot sign that lights up red at night that you can see from something like 50 miles away, he can’t miss it. He then asks me if I wanted to go to this club with him.

You read that right.

I finished pissing and washed my hands and just walked out. This is the same guy that GB met in the bathroom. This guy in the bathroom is gay and was trying to find a date to go with him to the club. He knew damn well where it was. And he had been in the bathroom for over a half an hour, apparently.

So I get back to the table. Our waitress is slurring a little bit, which was just a little bit more than we were. This is not good. She then talks me into buying her a hat that they had at their merchandise counter. I told her I would if she got us a free pitcher, since both were the same price anyway and she agreed. She was blonde, so that figures.

Our 6th (free) pitcher comes to the table. We all rejoice. The ladies decide they want to eat something, so we figure out that we’ll get 20 wings, as the birthday boy was starting to slack a little on the beer and wanted to get something in his stomache. To this day he’s still a fairly light weight drinker, so he had to be feeling pretty good with almost 2 pitchers in him. So we order our wings. Our waitress is still sober enough to properly get those ordered for us. We rejoice.

GB starts to get a little drunken attitude about how nobody has come around to sing him his birthday song yet and loudly shares this with the rest of the patrons of Hooters. The couple sitting next to us laughed and helped him bitch until the waitresses all came around to sing for the lady that was smoking for the first time in 10 years and obviously drunk at this point. Then GB started yelling louder for his singers until the manager came out and told him to keep it down.

Our 7th pitcher reaches us and Rhino and I are handling this one almost by ourselves. GB and the ladies are eating the wings that had just arrived. The couple next to us decides to leave and the lady gives me her pack of cigarettes since she only wanted one. So I got a full pack of cigarettes for her birthday. That was nice.

Again I have to piss so I go to the bathroom. This time I’m the only one there and I breathed a sigh of relief. So I start to piss in this urinal that is right next to the door to the bathroom. You could seriously open the door and look out into the restaurant while pissing. I know this because I did, and nobody was outside.

Right above the urinal is a box full of Advil and Tylenol and condoms. I’m looking at it as I piss, as it’s eye level. Suddenly the door opens up and an older man is standing there looking at me. He then shuts the door and I can hear him talking outside with someone. Then the door swings open again and him and his wife come into the bathroom. She looks down at my piece and I just look at her, since her husband is standing behind me and I’m in a very vulnerable position. She says not to worry and says that it’s nothing she hasn’t seen before. Very funny bitch.

They’re now both behind me and I’m still pissing at full force. That’s when her arm is suddenly laying on my shoulder as she’s reaching over top of me to the machine on the wall. She starts putting money in it and she then gets two condoms out of the machine. At this point I’m done and I move out of her way and wash my hands. I walk out of the bathroom with them and I’m standing in the middle of about 5 married couples, all in their 40’s or older. I’m going with older… and they may not have been married…

They start talking to each other about going back to someone’s house and the lady that was in the bathroom says she’s ready to go and asks them if they’re all ready. They all hold up condoms and smile. They’re about to have a fucking orgy! She looks at her husband and then at me and gives me one of the two condoms she got and says that her husband will only be needing one. We all shared a big laugh at that. Now I’m apart of their group. Nice. They start walking out and I’m going with them. After all, I’m about to get some old lady tail and all of the women, besides the one that came into the bathroom, were pretty hot. That and I was drunk, so of course they might not have been, but I didn’t know any different at that point.

Just as we get to the door Rhino stops me and asks me where I’m going and in that instant I forgot. I have this problem with alcohol fucking up my memory like that. So we head back to the table.

Our 8th pitcher is sitting at the table and we drink. Our waitress stops by and GB is still bitching about not being sung to. She sits our check down on the table and stumbles away. She is FRIED. This whole time we’ve been drinking beer she’s probably had about 10 shots of random liquor, which I can’t understand because Hooter’s doesn’t carry hard liquor, at least that one doesn’t. So she had to be drinking this on her own, from her own stash. Oh well.

GB’s girlfriend looks at the check and then asks which one of us bought oysters. We all looked at each other stupidly because none of us had and she knew that. She then asked which one of us got crab legs. Again with the stupid looks. Then her jaw drops and her eyes got big and she slides the check over to Rhino and I. The check was for well over $400.

We try explaining to our extremely intoxicated waitress that that wasn’t our check. She says that it is and we assure her that it is not. She goes to get a manager. After a couple of minutes our 8th pitcher is gone and she is back without a manager. She attempts to sit down on a stool at the table behind us and falls off of it onto the floor.

Finally the manager comes out with two other waitresses and they all look at the check. The manager is something like 19… and none of them get that the check isn’t our check. They keep asking us if we ordered crabs and oysters and steaks. We answer each question with “that isn’t our check”, yet the questions keep coming. Like they’re going to weed out what we did get and cross out what we didn’t.

I pull Doogie Howser aside and tell him that our waitress is fucking drunk. He says he knows and they’ll take care of it.

We finally get OUR check and it isn’t anywhere near $400. We pay our waitress who at this point is still employed and she stumbles thru her money and gives me a 5 back and asks if it was right. I handed her exact change but I said it was, grabbed it, and we left.

That was the absolute craziest time I’d ever had in a Hooters… or just about anywhere for that matter. The rest of the night involved us going back to GB’s house and getting his brother and us all walking across the street to this pub and drinking mixed drinks on the house.

Then we crawled back across the street to GB’s and him and Rhino went inside to pass out. I stayed outside in the bed of my pickup with GB’s brother and we continued to drink on Wild Irish Rose until 4:30am. Wild Irish Rose for those of you that don’t know is that shit that bums drink when they get enough change from begging. It’s only like a dollar for a fifth, and very nasty.

And that’s it. About a year later Rhino and I stopped in to that Hooters and told our waitress about it and she knew who our waitress was and told us that she got fired for drinking on the job, and that apparently she had done it all the time. WHO KNEW?!

So hopefully tonight will be at least HALF as eventful as that night was. If anything goes down, I’ll keep you posted.

I hate forgetting I’m going to an orgy.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s