Editorial Archives: My New Year Resolution

My New Year Resolution
Dec. 27, 2004

Every year a bunch of whiney little bitches make New Year resolutions that they never keep. “I’m gonna do this” “I’m gonna do that” and usually if anything, they only last at most a month before going back to their shitty lifestyle.

I have thought about it and figured it out. People do this because they’re usually drunk by this point and they’ll say anything to be kissed when the ball drops.

I have only had two New Year kisses, and I had to think pretty hard about them because neither was memorable. Am I depressed about it though? Not so much.

So, I thought I’d make my resolution early. Because everyone usually comes up with bullshit at the last moment, and doing this when drunk will make you say some pretty stupid shit. Like quitting smoking, losing weight, not doing crack anymore, stop sleeping around, blah blah blah.

So in light of that and all the idiots that practice this on New Year, I’m going to join them in making my own. Here are those things that I plan to do in the new year.

  • I will continue smoking. I may even smoke more than I do now.
  • I will eat as much if not more junk food than I do now. Heart attacks kick ass.
  • I will continue to smoke marijuana because people say it’s bad for you.
  • I will continue drinking heavily. I may even become a full fledged alcoholic.
  • I will NOT look for a female mate. I have decided that all women suck, and therefore I will no longer care to be with one. This of course doesn’t mean I’ll be looking for a male mate, because I’m not gay. I just don’t need women’s horse shit anymore. Fuck you all.
  • I will continue to kill many people on video games, and laugh hysterically as if it were real. Then
  • I will go to bed later and dream that it was real and be very pleased.
  • I will get another pet. I currently don’t have one, but I’ve had some awesome pets before, most recently a toad. I kind of miss him, so I’m going to get another one, or a hamster cause they kick ass too.
  • My last hamsters name was Sluttbumwalla. I called him Slutt for short. Once he got out and I asked my neighbor if they had seen my Slutt. They never talked to me again. Good, fuckers.
  • I will NOT make another list like this in the future because they are retarded.

I hope this helps some of you out when you decide to make your lists. I hope you realize it’s all a bunch of cow manure and that it’s a waste of time. Just work on drinking a lot and passing out in someone elses bed, hopefully with someone you can get some new year nookie from.

I hate last year and this year just as much as I’m going to hate next year.

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