Editorial Archives: X-Mas Sucks

X-Mas Sucks
Dec. 20, 2004

I spelled Christmas with an “X” because it pisses people off. They usually say, “You’re taking Christ out of Christmas.” Yeah ok, yet you still go buy presents for everyone and set up a tree with flashing lights on it. Does that get you closer to Christ?

Christmas has lost all meaning, and therefore it has now officially switched to X-Mas. The point that finally got me to realize how much it sucked happened just the other day, though it started many years ago.

One of the things that pisses me off about the holiday season is the mall shoppers. I hate malls anyway, especially those who go to the mall, but they all suck THAT MUCH MORE at this time of year. Because you don’t only have the regular mall people there, you now also have a shit load of people there that normally don’t go, so they have no idea where anything is, and they are now in super shopping mode because they, like me, waited until the last minute to get anyone anything for X-Mas and now have to go to the mall to make any kind of progress.

What you’ll usually find when this happens is a bunch of pissed off people, me being the leader. What I noticed is, when you go to the mall during the holiday season, you wind up getting behind some of the slowest fucks on the planet. These are obviously the people that pull out in front of you when you’re cruising along and only go 5 mph so that you have to hit your breaks so hard the treading on your tires sands off in small rubber shavings.

You get behind these assholes who are in no big hurry, and you can’t get around them because of the other idiots there shopping. What you get is a very frustrating situation that I for one will never be apart of again. Every mall in the world is now dead to me (which isn’t a big loss).

What also pisses me off is how everyone seems to be so tense and stressed out because of the holidays that nobody is nice. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to be to each other all the time, but specially during the holidays? That’s what God said, right? Well, who gives a shit? Let’s be mean to everyone all year long… especially since we have those festive holiday spirits.

And now the big bomb that changed the way I’ll spell X-Mas forever. And believe it or not it’s not even the music so much that pisses me off. I can deal with that. It’s the “house”.

You see, in the neighborhood where I used to live (everyone else I know still lives there, so I’m there all the time like I still live there) there’s this house. Actually there’s a couple with this problem, but this one affects me more than the rest. They put up 8 1/2 bazillion X-Mas lights on their house and in their yard and when they turn them on you can see it from the other side of town. The problem besides that 7 million lights ago is when it started looking tacky? People driving down the road, every fucking year like it’s never been up before, have to slow down to a STOP right in front of the house and back up traffic, because this house sits on a two lane main road thru town.

When I was a kid, my dad would drive us over to that side of town and we’d go park somewhere and walk down the street to see the house. We didn’t block traffic. Of course people are lazy bastards now.

What makes it worse though, is this house is right before my friends street, on the same side. So people stop right in front of me and stop traffic for 15 minutes so they can look at a shitty house. Right down the street is one of the best X-Mas light decorations on a house in the world, and every year it has been that way. Go look at his house. Not this shit fest of a “holiday in lights”. It seriously looks like a giant monkey ate a bunch of X-Mas lights and decorations and then puked them all out on this house.

So the other day I was going to my friends house, and I get stuck behind this mini-soccor-mom-van, probably filled with her 20 kids, and I have to just sit there and wait. Finally, when she gets moving, her and the van behind her (I was behind the second van) both turn down my friends street (where most people go to park to get out and walk to see the lights) and I am now following them. Not for long. The first one, that was originally stopped, stops again in front of another house on my friends street who I guess is now getting into the shit that the first house started.

So they stop again and the mini-soccor-mom-van that was behind that one, at a crawl moves around the first van, and of course plenty of space was there, they were just stupid. So I’m thinking that finally I’m going to make it down the street right? Wrong. This van is also cruising around lost as hell looking at the lights. I guess the thought that me behind them MIGHT have actually been someone that needed to be on that street and they should’ve gotten out of the way for me. That would’ve been nice if that were the case, but it wasn’t. Finally they pull into someone’s driveway and get the fuck out of my way.

In the something like 4 blocks that I needed to go from the first house to my friends house, it took me about 20 minutes, and all because of two cars. That was the straw that broke my X-Mas camel’s back. Houses with X-Mas lights all over them suck, and frankly so does the holiday that spawn them.

I hate Santa’s fat ass too.

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