Editorial Archives: A Beefy Carol

The grammatical errors are aplenty in this one, but it turned out to be one of my better Editorials over the years. I was going to do a follow up the next year but never got around to it. Merry X-mas everybody!

A Beefy Carol
Dec. 20, 2005

Beefenezer Scrooge was sitting in his place of business. He ran a private gambling casino, took bets on horse races, operated a “female escort” service, and cooked meth. He called this place “Beefy’s House o’ Fun!”.

His helper, Pork Scrachit, was a happy family man, just trying to make ends meet. He never felt that his services were compensated enough by Beefenezer Scrooge, though he never had the balls to ask for a raise. He remembered back to when he did ask for a raise and Beefenezer kicked him in the nuts.

It was X-mas Eve and Pork Scrachit wanted to leave early so he could spend the holiday with his wife and three retarded children, of which one was gimped up, named Small Sam.

“Mr. Beefenezer Scrooge sir…” started Pork Scrachit, “May I leave early for the holiday? I’ve already fed and watered the whores, and the meth is simmering now. It should be fine for a couple of days.”

Beefenezer looked perplexed. Mostly because he had just recieved his own X-mas bonus from one of the whores he solicited, but also because this was a problem. “I suppose you’ll want a fucking X-mas bonus too, eh?”

“Well since you offered…” Pork Scrachit said with a trembling voice, “I could use some grass.”

“Fine,” replied Beefenezer, “but this is all you get this week. You need to slow down on this stuff, it’ll rot your mind.”

And with that he handed Pork Scrachit a bag full of Redbud. Pork Scrachit thanked him.

“This should do me fine for a week. Maui Wowie?”

Beefenezer Scrooge only replied, “Nah… Redbud.”

Beefenezer Scrooge headed home and noticed on his way that there were many families sitting down to enjoy a nice X-mas Eve dinner by the fire. This made him scoff. “Nah… Redbud” was all he would say.

Suddenly his cell phone rang. Beefenezer hesitated to answer it but did so anyway. It was his nephew Rhino.

“What do you want?” answered Beefenezer.

“I wanted to invite you over to dinner. We’re having buffalo wings and beer.” Rhino had been asking his uncle to come over for a week, but Scrooge always declined.

“Wings and beer? Nah… Redbud.” And with that he hung up on Rhino.

Beefenezer Scrooge settled down with a nice bag of green in his favorite chair and opened a porno magazine. He took a long draw off of his favorite pipe, to which he said, “Ahh… Redbud.”

Suddenly there was a bang on his door. Beefenezer shot up and yelled out, “Is it the cops?”

And then the air grew cold, and he heard a ghostly voice from the other side say, “No, it is I, Bob Marley, your former dealer!”

The hair on the back of Beefenezer’s neck stood on end. “That’s impossible!” shouted Beefenezer. “GO AWAY!”

Beefenezer then sat back down in his chair and took another drag from his pipe and then looked at the door and back at the pipe and sat the pipe down. He then flipped open his porno magazine and started to look at an Asian school girl when suddenly her face turned into Bob Marley’s!

“You bastard,” spoke Bob Marley, “I’ve been dead for 24 years now, and you still won’t let it go. Why won’t you let it go and be a nice man once again? Get up… stand up! Face me!”

“You jackass,” responded Beefenezer, “I’ve always been this way but you kept talking about peace and love. And I’m comfortable. Leave me alone!”

Suddenly the ghost of Bob Marley was standing in front of Beefenezer. “And now you’re smoking that skunk weed mon. It’s frying your brain. How do you think you’re seeing me?”

Beefenezer just shook his head. “Skunk weed? Nah… Redbud.”

“Well that explains it. Mind if I take a hit mon?”

“Fuck no you bastard, that’s why I killed you in the first place… you smoke up all of my shit!”

Bob Marley stood back and said, “Fine then. If this is what it’s going to take for me to move on to the other side… Tonight you will be visited by three spirits. The spirit of X-mas Past will come and show you how you actually meant something to someone back in the day. Then the spirit of X-mas Present will come to show you what an asshole you are now. And finally the spirit of X-mas Yet To Come will show you how the future will be if you don’t change your ways. Now I’m off. I have to go scare the shit out of some stoner kids that got pulled over and thrown in jail. One shot the sheriff and now he’s wondering why he didn’t shoot the deputy, since he’s the one that arrested them. Bye mon!”

And with that Bob Marley disappeared.

Beefenezer sat in his chair wondering if he had actually just heard some really bad Bob Marley references being made or if it was the weed getting to him. He decided that all he needed was some sleep and this horrible holiday would be over.

Beefenezer took a shot of Jack and laid down in his bed. As he started to nod off he spoke sleepily, “Spirit of X-mas Present… show me what an asshole I am now… I already know I’m an asshole…” and he drifted off to sleep.

The Spirit Of X-mas Past

After what seemed to be a minute of sleep, Beefenezer found himself sitting up in his bed and looking around. “What am I doing up?” he thought. “What am I looking for?” he thought as well. Suddenly there was a crash at the foot of his bed.

Beefenezer jumped out of bed and peeked around to the floor in front of his bed and he seen a pile of shadow laying at the foot.

“WHO ARE YOU?!” shouted Beefenezer.

The shadow stood up. “I am the Spirit of X-mas Past! I’m here to show you how you would’ve been had you not been drunk all the time and smoking that green shit.”

“Green shit…” retorted Beefenezer, “Nah, Redbud.”

“You once meant something to someone. Let me take you on a trip…” And before Beefenezer could say anything, the Spirit of X-mas Past had already taken them both to the front lawn of Beefenezer’s first true love.

“Why did we come here?” asked Beefenezer, who was starting to shiver from the intense cold of the night. “I don’t want to see this bitch.”

“You dated this woman for four years. You spent countless nights together just looking at the stars, and you had planned on marrying her. What happened?”

“She’s a bitch. I left her before it was too late. It was a good decision.”

“Do you know that she hasn’t dated once in the last 6 years? She misses you.”

“What?” Beefenezer seemed shocked. “That’s a fucking lie. I know for a fact she’s married to the guy that owns the hardware store.”

“Yeah I know, I was trying to catch you off guard. But she did cry for an hour or so after you broke up with her.”

“This is retarded. Aren’t you supposed to show me things that’ll change my holiday spirit?”

There was a flash and suddenly both Beefenezer and the Spirit of X-mas Past were standing in a room that Beefenezer recognized as “The Smoke Room”. Beefenezer and Bob Marley were both sitting on a couch and there was an octopus bong sitting on a table in front of them.

The Spirit leaned over to Beefenezer and whispered, “They can’t hear us or see us. This is the night that you killed your best friend and business partner.

“If they can’t hear us, why are you whispering?”

“It adds to the drama of the moment.”

On the couch, Beefenezer and Bob Marley traded hits off of the bong and shared holiday stories.

“Hey mon, I think I’m finally going to have enough cash this year to buy my family some presents and to give them a fantastic holiday meal. It’ll be the first time my youngest child has eaten in 2 weeks.”

“That’s good to hear Bob.”

“You know mon, I think our business is going to do well.” said Bob, as he exhaled a cloud of puffy white smoke. “And once it gets off the ground, I’m going to go back on a world tour, spreading the word of legalization. And then we’ll be world wide mon!”

“I like that Bob. I like that a lot.” Beefenezer also blew out a puff of smoke and then he turned to face Bob. “I think I know why people have stopped buying from us lately.”

“Oh yeah? Why’s that mon?”

“Because you’re smoking up all of my shit!”

And with that Beefenezer pulled out an Uzi and he blew away Bob Marley. When he was finished there wasn’t much left of Bob but a puddle of blood and some dreadlocks.

Beefenezer then turned on the tv and watched a program while eating a bag of chips.

“Yeah, I remember that.” said Beefenezer to the Spirit. “What’s the deal?”

“Bob wasn’t taking your stuff. He was innocent. He wanted to catch the people taking your stuff as much as you did. He was loyal to you Beefenezer.”

Beefenezer stood almost perfectly still as this info sunk in. And then he started to almost feel sad.

Collecting himself, Beefenezer asked, “What happened to his family?”

Another flash took both Beefenezer and the Spirit of X-mas Past to a one room apartment where Bob’s wife and 12 kids lived.

“They all had to move into this apartment. They barely had food, and eventually 3 of his kids died from lack of medication. His wife started whoring herself… I do believe for you, and now she has no idea where the rest of her kids are.”

“Oh that’s right. I remember I hired her so she could make some money to support her family. How did she lose her kids?”

“After she started pulling tricks for you, she got into heroin which inevitably made her forget about her kids and all about herself.”

“Oh that’s right. I remember I started selling her the heroin because I wanted the rest of the money she was making.”

“I almost forgot to show you this Beefenezer.” And another flash took them to a street corner where Beefenezer was talking to a man.

“Hey, I hate to do this, but can you front me a bag Beefenezer? I don’t have any cash, but I’ll have it in a few days.”

Beefenezer smiled. “Don’t worry about it. Here you go.” Beefenezer handed the man a bag of weed.

The man’s eyes lit up. “Wow, this is more than a dime! Thanks Beefenezer, I’ll get your money to you as soon as possible!” The man stuffed the baggie into his pocket and walked away.

“You know,” said Beefenezer to the Spirit, “He never paid me.”

“But don’t you see that you used to mean something to these people?”

“Yeah, and I kept getting walked on. That’s why I stopped being so nice.”

Another flash brought them both back to Beefenezer’s bedroom.

The Spirit of X-mas Past spoke. “I’m leaving you now. I have laundry to do. You must change your ways Beefenezer. You can still make a difference. Two more Spirits will join you tonight. Get as much sleep as you can, it’s going to be a long night, hopefully summed up rather quickly so the people reading this don’t get bored and start looking up free internet porn.”

And with that the Spirit of X-mas Past was gone. Beefenezer sat down on his bed and thought for a moment and then decided that sleep would be a good thing. He laid down and immediately fell asleep.

The Spirit Of X-mas Present

Beefenezer was snoring loudly now and releasing a couple of beer farts from earlier when all of a sudden there was a crash and some loud cussing that made Beefenezer fall out of bed and bang his head on the floor. Grabbing at his head he then realized that there was still a commotion in his room, so he got up and looked around.

“Who’s there?” Beefenezer asked thru winces of pain from his head.

“Fuck… ow… shit… AHEM, it is I, the Spirit of X-mas Present!” This Spirit tried to sound big and powerful with a booming voice until he started to walk towards Beefenezer and tripped over the rug in the middle of the bedroom floor and fell, landing at Beefenezer’s feet.

“You know,” said Beefenezer, “you’re not really graceful for a ghost.”

“I know. Sad ain’t it? Anyway, I’m here to show you what an asshole you are now.”

“But I already know I’m an asshole.”

“Yeah, this could be tough. I’m going to have to pull something out of my bag of tricks.”

Beefy looked around and finally said, “Well, would you care for a seat?”

The Spirit of X-mas Present got up off of the floor and they both walked out of the bedroom into the living room and they both sat down on the couch.

Beefenezer turned to the Spirit. “You know, this is all pointless. I mean, I know things have changed and all, but I seriously doubt the whole damn holiday season will come crashing down if I don’t change my ways.”

“You’re wrong. I mean… if you don’t change your ways, bad things will happen.”

“Name one.” Beefenezer crossed his arms and stared at the Spirit of X-mas Present.

“Well, there’s… ummm…” The Spirit started to fidget. “Well, it’ll stop snowing.”

“No it won’t.”

“Uh, well… kids won’t get presents.”

“Sure they will.”

“You’re not making this easy on me. You really are an asshole.”

“Yup.”

The Spirit looked around and then snapped his fingers. There was a flash and both were standing in Beefenezer’s kitchen.

Beefenezer looked at the fridge and then at the Spirit and said, “What, did you want a snack?”

“No. I’m going to show you what I was sent here to show you.”

They walked thru the kitchen to the living room. “There you go.” said the Spirit.

What they were looking at was them sitting in the living room on the couch.

“Are you fucking kidding me? I already told you I’m an asshole. I know I am. You’re not going to show me anything to change my mind about the holidays.” Beefenezer turned and went back into the kitchen.

The Spirit followed Beefenezer. “FINE! I have nothing! Except this…” and he snapped his fingers again and again there was a flash. Beefenezer found himself outside of Pork Scratchit’s home.

Looking thru a window he could see Pork Scratchit’s family sitting around a table about to eat a meal. It was pizza, and it was a small pizza.

Beefenezer looked at the Spirit. “How the fuck is a small pizza going to feed Pork, his wife, and his three retarded kids?”

“Heh, you said ‘Pork his wife’.”

Beefenezer just glared at the Spirit.

“Sorry. It’s not. They’ll make it last, but that’s all they can afford with the pay you give Pork Scratchit.”

Beefenezer was obviously touched. He got on his cell phone and called the local pizza place.

“Yeah, I want a large mushroom and bacon pizza sent to Pork Scratchit’s house.”

“Now see, it wasn’t that hard, was it?” The Spirit smiled with delight that he actually got Beefenezer to do something nice.

“Yeah, I guess. Now take me back to my bedroom. I’m done fucking with you.”

With that there was a flash and Beefenezer was sitting on his bed. He fell over onto his pillow and was out instantly.

Thirty to forty minutes later on the other side of town a pizza arrived at Pork Scratchit’s home. Pork was absolutely ecstatic. “Honey! We’re going to be full on X-mas Eve!”

He took the pizza inside and opened the box. “I… HATE mushrooms!!! And they’re all over the pizza!!! And my wife can’t eat bacon because she’s JEWISH!!! Kids, I’m sorry, but this pizza has to be thrown away. We won’t be full on X-mas Eve after all.”

The Spirit Of X-mas Yet To Come

Beefenezer dreamed that he was at a club, and a very strange looking fellow was dancing on the stage to the tune of “Baby Got Back”. Beefenezer knew there were people all around him, but he couldn’t see them because he was just fixated on this one man on stage. And he couldn’t tell why exactly, until he realized he wasn’t at a club, and he wasn’t dreaming. He sat up in bed and stared at the man dancing in his room with the boom box blaring “Baby Got Back”.

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!”

The man stopped dancing and turned off the boom box. “I am the Spirit of X-mas Yet To Come, and I’m here to show you what the future will bring if you don’t change your ways. Asshole.”

Beefenezer got out of bed, walked over to the spirit and hit him with a right hook. The spirit fell to the floor.

“What the fuck did you do that for?!” asked the spirit.

“One, for waking me up. Two, for doing it by playing that extra loud, and three, for dancing like an ass. Besides, if you really were a spirit, then how the hell did I hit you?”

“Because you’re in my world now bitch.” And with that the Spirit Of X-mas Yet To Come jumped up to his feet and planted a left jab to Beefenezer’s nose, just hard enough so it would bleed.

Beefenezer looked as if he was going to say something or strike back, but the spirit spoke before he could. “That was a warning. The next time I kick your ass. And trust me, it won’t be hard. You can’t hurt me, I’m a GHOST.”

Beefenezer slowly walked over to his chair and sat down. After a few moments he started. “So, what are you going to show me tonight? Another world war? The planet blowing up? George W. Bush getting the highest approval rating of any President ever?”

“WOAH… maybe if hell froze over, which isn’t going to happen anytime soon.”

“Ok, so what is it you’re going to show me?”

There was a flash and the two were standing outside of “Beefy’s House o’ Fun!”, and they were facing the front door. After a minute or two the door flew open with a bang as Beth, one of the resident whores, came crashing down out of it and landing on the ground. Beefenezer was standing in the door way. “And that’s what you get for stealing my cash! Get the fuck out of here!”

Beth stood up and responded, “I MADE THAT MONEY ASSHOLE! YOU GOT YOUR DUES!” And with that she walked to her car and got in. Beefenezer watched her go, then turned around and went back inside.

“Ok, so? I always thought she was cheating me. It’s about time I fired her anyway.” Beefenezer crossed his arms and looked at the spirit.

The spirit didn’t answer or look away from Beth’s car. Instead, he just pointed at it.

Beefenezer turned and seen Beth getting out. She walked to the back, opened the trunk, and started searching for something. Finally, she stood up, held up a pistol, cocked the trigger back, and headed towards the House o’ Fun. The two watched as she walked in, and watched the door shut behind her.

“Hey, I thought I told you to get the fuck out of here… what the hell… what are you doing with that?” Suddenly there was a loud bang, and a thud. A few moments later, a series of footsteps grew louder, until Beth emerged from the building with a smile on her face. She walked to her car, got in, and drove away.

“So that’s it? That’s how I die? One of my whores kills me? That’s all you were going to show me? Hell, that’s not half as bad as some of the ways I figured I was gonna go.” Beefenezer started to go towards the building.

“Where are you going?” asked the spirit.

“I’m going to go look at my body. I want to see what I’ll look like dead. Not too many people have had that opportunity.”

“No shit… I show you your death and you don’t even care?”

“Not really.”

“How about this then?” And with that there was another flash of light and the two were standing in a funeral home and there were several people there, as well as Beefenezer’s body in a casket at the front of the room. Some of the people were crying, but most looked like they came simply to see Beefenezer dead.

“I know these people. Most of them are the whores I employ. Actually, all of them are, with the exception of Pork Scratchit and his family. Why are there only two kids?”

“Because his youngest passed away. With you gone, Pork didn’t have a job, and he couldn’t afford to get his daughter the medicine she needed. She was only 2 years old.”

Beefenezer thought for a moment and then he heard a noise. He looked over to the corner and seen a spirit running at him full speed, until it tackled him with a flash of light… and now they were both standing in Pork Scratchit’s living room watching Beefenezer hold a baby. A smile was on his face. That was the only time during the visit he had a smile on his face.

Another flash of light brought Beefenezer back to the Spirit Of X-mas Yet To Come in the funeral home. Beefenezer looked around and asked, “What the fuck just happened there?”

“That was the Spirit Of Flashbacks. He came to show you when you first held Pork Scratchit’s newest member of the family right after she was born. When you heard of her medical problems, you paid Pork an extra two shillings a week to help him pay for his sickly child. He had to go to the bank to get them transfered to US currency, but he didn’t even ask for the money. You cared about that girl, and you know it.”

“Spirit Of Flashbacks? What the fuck? Wouldn’t it be more convenient to have the Spirit of X-mas Past do that?”

“Actually it was the Spirit Of X-mas Past. He just likes to be called that when he takes people on flashback trips. It makes him feel special.”

“Ok, I’m done. I have some serious thinking to do, and I’d like to do it in my bed. So if you don’t mind…”

There was another flash of light and the two were in Beefenezer’s bedroom.

The Spirit Of X-mas Yet To Come put his hand on Beefenezer’s shoulder. “I know you’ll make the right choice. Of all the times this story has ever been told, the asshole we’re always trying to change, does so for the better. So, you know what to do.” And the Spirit was gone.

Beefenezer sat down on his bed and thought for a few moments about the entire night’s events. He laid his head down and went to sleep.

And sleep he did. He slept so hard that he didn’t even hear his alarm clock going off… for over an hour.

Finally, he got up and shut the alarm off. Yawning and stretching, he made his way towards the bathroom. Suddenly, he turned around and ran to the window and looked out. It was a snowy X-mas morning. There were people walking down the streets saying “Merry X-mas!” to one another. In windows he could see families opening presents together and having wonderful times.

This excited Beefenezer Scrooge so much he ran outside in his pajamas! Beefenezer ran up to the first person he seen, and with a huge smile he hugged the man and said, “IT WAS ONLY A DREAM!!! AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

Beefenezer ran thru the streets shouting “IT WAS ONLY A DREAM!!! FUCK YOU ALL!!!” until he was standing outside of his House o’ Fun!. He walked inside.

Beth was standing at a cigarette machine with a couple other whores and they were all talking about going home and spending time with their families. Beefenezer coughed.

The whores all turned to see Beefenezer, and he said, “You can all go home now.” They all stood there for a minute, a little shocked at what he had just said. They were all expecting him to say they had to work double time because people were all happy and probably looking for a good lay.

They then decided to leave and as they were walking out Beefenezer stopped Beth. As she turned to look at him he wrapped his arms around her head and said, “Gonna kill me were ya? Well merry x-mas to you too, bitch!” With a quick snap of the wrists, Beth’s body dropped to the floor, her neck snapped in three spots. Beefenezer just smiled. He knew things were going to be ok.

For him.

THE END

I hate good endings.

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