Editorial Archives: If You’re Going To Commit Suicide, Do It Right

If You’re Going To Commit Suicide, Do It Right
Apr. 24, 2006

I was reading in the news about a man in Oregon that, while high on meth, tried to kill himself by taking a nail gun and shooting 12 nails into his head, one by one. Some of the nails were 2 inches long.

What’s amazing is, he survived. The doctors used needle-nosed pliers and a drill to get them out, and after his full recovery, they said there’ll be “no serious lasting effects.” What do doctors know?

This man intentionally shot TWELVE nails into his fucking head. There’s obviously something wrong upstairs, and this man just survived his own suicide of shooting TWELVE NAILS into his head. That would mess me up permanently just on a mental level.

So that got me to thinking… there should be a law in this shithole of a country, that makes it legal to kill someone if they fail a suicide attempt. If we can write down in the constitution what the rules are for marriage, then surely we can put into effect the execution of morons that can’t even fucking kill themselves correctly.

And this would cut down on a lot of attempted suicides by those teenagers and other assholes that are just looking for attention. They would know that if they tried to commit suicide they obviously want to die, so if they fail, they’re going to be killed like a spy. Laid out on a slowly moving conveyor belt that is headed right for a giant spinning table saw. This should give them time to think about what went wrong in the bathtub with the butter knife.

It would also cut down on Bic’s sales, but there would have to be some sacrifice.

I’m so sick of hearing about people that shoot themselves in the head and survive, only to live in a coma for the rest of their lives. You know what I say? I say fuck that, pull the plug. They tried to commit suicide, they failed, they need to die. Plus, pulling the plug saves us another conveyor belt, as well as the money needed to clean the saw.

Tried to slit your wrist and didn’t get it done? You stupid bitch. Put the knife in your mouth and run face first into a wall. And if you can still move after that, pull it out.

Pansy ass mother fuckers. First they want to take the easy way out, so they try something clever like sitting in their car in the garage and turning it on without opening the garage door. Or taking a handful of sleeping pills and going to bed, hoping to not wake up.

Oh, what is that you’re doing? A PAINLESS suicide? You’re trying to end it. Think of it this way dipshit, if you were serious, the pain factor wouldn’t bother you because, and I want you to take notes on this… YOU’RE NOT GOING TO FEEL IT IF YOU DO IT RIGHT, JACKASS.

What amazes me the most is some of these jackholes that survive actually say stupid shit like “I survived. There must be a bigger purpose for me.” And they act like a miracle has changed their lives and they turn themselves around and do good for the rest of their days.

Let me put it to you like this. You were a failure in life which is what drove you to suicide, and you failed at that. You’re still a failure, you’re always going to be a failure, and unless we kill you, you’re probably going to wind up bringing someone else down with you later in life. The simple fact that nobody wants to be around a failure proves that you not dying was the wrong outcome.

That’s why I say assisted suicide should be legal. Because that would make all of this pointless. If you want to commit suicide, then nothing should stop you from achieving that goal. And having someone else do it for you is a sure fire way to make sure the job gets done right the first time.

I hate assholes that can’t kill themselves right.

2 responses to “Editorial Archives: If You’re Going To Commit Suicide, Do It Right

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