Movie Review: Conan The Barbarian (Spoilers)

Growing up I was subjected to the Conan films featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger. I say subjected, but I did enjoy them all. My dad was a huge fan of the movies since he was a huge fan of the books. I loved watching Arnold destroy his enemies and make love to millions of women. At least it seemed like he slept with that many.

Even with Arnold’s zany accent, he still dominated in the movies. The action was great, the story was great and the death toll was tremendous.

I saw a preview for this new version and was excited. With today’s technology, the movie should be a huge film, and one I couldn’t wait to see.

I even approved of Jason Momoa playing Conan, even though I didn’t know a thing about him. He fit the bill, he’s buff and he has a constant look of “I will fuck your shit up” on his face.

I finally got to see this movie and again I had high hopes. I’m down for any Conan movie. Here’s how it compares with the original.

The stories are basically the same, although they’re only the same so much as Conan is on a mission to kill a guy who killed one of his parents. In the original, the main bad guy (James Earl Jones) kills Conan’s mom right in front of him and then enslaves Conan to work for him until he’s much older and stronger and he gets free and goes on his mission.

In this new version, the main bad guy (Stephen Lang) kills Conan’s father (ultra badass Ron Perlman) right in front of Conan. He doesn’t enslave him though, and Conan immediately goes off in search of the man. Years pass before he finds him. That’s about where the similarities end.

In the original, there is a ton of violence and blood. In the remake, there is also a ton of violence and blood, and thankfully for the remake the blood doesn’t look like pink water like it did in the original. That would be about the only thing this movie has over the original.

Conan doesn’t fuck all the time in this one, which is fine, it got to be a little much in the first, but one of Conan’s traits is, he’s a lover. This movie doesn’t really highlight that, but they do make mention of it at one point.

There’s no real connection between him and the main hottie of the movie (Rachel Nichols), the woman who the main bad guy is after and the one who Conan is trying to protect, although they do spend their time together (in what I believe is the only sex scene) and that’s pretty much it.

After Conan saves the woman and kills the main bad guy, he drops her off at her place and says he might see her again one day and the movie ends.

In the original, it is told that Conan becomes King and rules greatly. In the remake, they basically set up for a sequel, but I doubt one will be made.

The movie was good in every area, but there was something missing. I’m not sure what it was, but it was not there. Really, the movie had everything you’d want in a good action movie, but for some reason it just didn’t come across as awesome by the time it was over.

Check it out if you like good action and lots of death. The movie has plenty of that. And if you can figure out what it was lacking, let me know, cause I’d love to know.

I give this movie 3 1/2 stars out of 5.

One response to “Movie Review: Conan The Barbarian (Spoilers)

  1. Pingback: Movie Review: Mutant Chronicles | Beefy's House o' Fun

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