Editorial Archives: David Blaine Is A Failure

For the record, I’m no longer a Criss Angel fan now. He went from doing magic to stunts like Blaine, so fuck him too. I guess there’s only so much magic that can be done before you run out of ideas and have to resort to doing stunts.

David Blaine Is A Failure
May 9, 2006

I’m sure you all heard in the news by now about the antics of a Mr. David Blaine. Every year or so he does something really stupid to get his name in the news. Usually it’s a very nicely staged production of him doing something normal people would never dream of doing.

In the past, Blaine has accomplished such feats as balancing on a 22-inch circular platform atop a 100-foot pole for 35 hours, being buried alive in a see-through coffin for a week, and surviving inside a massive block of ice for 61 hours, all of which were performed in New York. In 2003, he fasted for 44 days in a suspended acrylic box over the Thames River in London.

This year, he decided to do what everyone has thought of doing but decided against it because of its lack of purpose and relevance to anything in the real world. He put himself in a giant, water filled bubble for a week.

Not only was he going to stay in this water filled bubble for a week, totally submerged, but he was also going to try and break the record for staying under water without oxygen. That record was, and still is, 8 minutes, 58 seconds. He only stayed under for 7 minutes, 8 seconds.

What a loser.

That doesn’t change the fact though, that he did stay totally submerged in the water filled bubble for a week. And that, my friends, would’ve been cool, if he did it without any help. Instead, he opted for the pussies way into stardom. He had people feeding him and giving him water thru a tube, much like the one that he got oxygen from, and he also relieved himself thru tubes. Not to mention the water was regulated at a steady 98.6 degrees. I mean, we wouldn’t want this “street magician” that can pull off such things as hovering several feet above the ground, apparently without wires, to have a challenge in the bubble now would we?

Yes, we would.

David Blaine got his fame from doing street magic, as I just previously said, and one of his acts is to hover above the ground. We at home are supposed to believe there are no wires, as well as the people watching him are actually amazed instead of acting. So with this said, why couldn’t he handle a week under water?

Let’s face it. Superman can fly AND stay under water for long periods of time. He can even go to outer space without needing a space suit. I wonder if Mr. Blaine plans on visiting outer space any time soon. Or if he could take a bullet to the face without flinching. I’m betting he can’t. Well, Superman can’t ride horses either. Hey, nobody’s perfect.

One thing that made me chuckle is how the onlookers came to watch Blaine astound everyone around the world by simply floating in water for a week, and this one bitch shows up with a boom box and loudly plays “My Love Is All I Have” by Jennifer Lopez, so Blaine could have something to do other than concentrate.

She then said, “I just love him. He has a creative mind just like me, and he’s crazy just like me.” Way to self promote, bitch. Fuck Blaine in a bubble for a week, I’m more amazed you could get yourself off of your mind long enough to think about someone else. You’re crazy, eh? We’re not going to see you buried alive anytime soon, now are we?

Another guy that stopped by to watch the bubble said Blaine symbolized “man’s strength to go beyond what normal people can do.” Sure. Except holding his breath for a measly 9 minutes, right? I can hear your undertones, asshole. Move along. Your negativity isn’t helping Dave any.

Don’t get me wrong, I love magic. I’m a fan of magic, and I think it should be cherished instead of mocked, like Fox does with those hour long specials that show how magic is REALLY done. Magic is simply a form of entertainment. I guess that’s why Fox has contempt for magic so much… because they just can’t figure out that entertainment thing.

But I think shit like this is just shameless self promotion. So, what do you want to be next, Blaine? A street magician, a stunt guy, or a pizza delivery man? It’s your call. Hey, for your next trick you could rent a room at a five star hotel for a week and not get room service.

And I know what you’re thinking. All magicians are self promoters. And that’s fine. But usually when one does something stunt like, it involves magic. Having people feed you thru a tube and pissing out another tube isn’t really magic. It’s disgusting. What if there was a little leak on the piss tube? And you’re just floating in it. For a week. I would’ve stopped by to see that.

I do give him some credit though. Even bigger pussies like David Copperfield would’ve never attempted something like this. But that’s because he’s like the Vanilla Ice of magic. Copperfield had his time, but everyone seen thru his shit. And now he’s doing card tricks at some bar in Las Vegas, in between serving drinks.

Of all of them that I follow, there’s only one that I enjoy watching. And that would be Criss Angel. I guess he rocks because his name isn’t David. Go figure. The original David was a dumb ass, and now there are two making themselves look like idiots in modern day. Criss, my hat’s off to you buddy. Well, your mom actually. She didn’t name you David.

I hate people that can’t hold their breath for 9 minutes.

2 responses to “Editorial Archives: David Blaine Is A Failure

  1. Never heard of the guy. I can’t stand Criss Angel, either. My wife was watching Mind Freak a couple of times and those “stunts” are so obviously rigged (at least the ones I saw) that I’m more annoyed than entertained by them. Loser.

  2. Criss Angel used to be really fun to watch, but the longer his show ran the more he went from street magic and cool tricks to just doing stunts. David Blaine was cool for one or two of his street magic shows, but then he went to the stunts solely and after one or two of those nobody gave a fuck about him, because stunts are kinda stupid.

    The day I went into a Walgreens and saw a Criss Angel magic kit full of tricks you could do at home, for kids, was the day I realized he had nothing left and was trying to make his money in other ways. So his popularity came and went in a matter of a couple years, just like Blaine.

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