Editorial Archives: The True Story About Thanksgiving

While setting up the Editorial Archives for this month I forgot about Thanksgiving coming up and forgot I had done this one, so here it is.

The True Story About Thanksgiving
Nov. 22, 2005

Year after year, elementary school after elementary school, kids are being taught the story of Thanksgiving. They are being taught that the white man had no food and the Indians killed tons of turkeys and buffalos and grew a bunch of corn and cranberries and made gallons of stuffing and they all sat down to eat a great meal. That’s when they bonded and they all gave thanks to the land for the bountiful feast for which they partook in.

The problem with that story is, it’s all wrong. Here’s the truth about Thanksgiving.

Back in the day there were Indians and they could be caught playing poker and slots at any time of the day or night. Many people think that Indian Casinos are a new thing, but they’ve been around for hundreds of years. Seriously. Can you prove otherwise? Didn’t think so.

And then there was this ship full of white folks. And they docked on Plymouth Rock, the most disappointing landmark in America because it is only about the size of a big piece of gravel. Seriously.

From there, the Pilgrims had infrequent Thanksgiving holidays, never deciding on a date until President Franklin Roosevelt signed a treaty calling the holiday “Franksgiving”. This of course pissed many people off, so there was a world war and we beat the shit out of all of the Canadians, who then decided to change the date of their Thanksgiving so that it didn’t match ours.

Indians then got screwed out of freedom because the government was pissed that the Indians actually found this land first, so the government banished all of the Indians to live in Reservations which are all basically set on the worst land in the world for any human to have to live, like South Dakota.

From there the Indians decided to set up their casinos which again pissed everyone off. So everyone decided to trash the land by building big cities, cars that suck gas, and McDonalds.

The Indians were again not pleased, so they decided to do everyone one better. They started pissing in the streams that major bottled water companies get their water from. Little did they know that people would love what they tasted, so Pepsi marketed their first bottle of Mt. Dew.

The Indians again were pissed because low talent actors like Lou Diamond Phillips were portraying their kind in mass grossing movies and they weren’t getting any of the profits. This made them particularly mad because he’s barely an Indian at only 1/8 Cherokee.

So now the white people are pissed at the Indians even though they continued to go to the casinos and lose all of their money, and the Indians are pissed at the white man for taking their land, which is why they allow the white man to continue losing his money in their casinos.

Finally when a mass homicide was considered on all reservations, the US Government had another, better idea. They would call Franksgiving “Thanksgiving” and tell all of the children that the white man and the Indians are friends, hoping to kill the Indians with kindness and appreciation. It never caught on.

In one class room back in 1935 a girl by the name of Suzy asked her teacher why there weren’t any Indian kids in the class room if they’re friends with the white man. The teacher told her that it was because Indians spread disease among other debilitating things which is why they have to run casinos now instead of growing crops and other miscellaneous food products. That’s why we keep them on Reservations.

Now the white man doesn’t even appreciate Thanksgiving. The only thing they look forward to is getting off of work and going shopping for xmas gifts the day immediately following Thanksgiving. Actually just the women do, because the men would LIKE to hang out with the Indians, but they can’t because their wives won’t allow them to.

Indians don’t even talk to white folks because nobody will invite them over for Thanksgiving dinner even though they’re a major part of the story. The Indianettes don’t accept the invitations and tell the Indian men that they weren’t invited. And then all of the Indians hold a National Day of Mourning protest on Thanksgiving at Plymouth Rock. Don’t believe it? Look it up.

In case you haven’t figured it out, it’s all the women’s fault.

I hate stuffing.

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