Editorial Archives: “Smart” Is A Bit Optimistic

I have no idea what I was saying with the word “gorked”.

“Smart” Is A Bit Optimistic
June 13, 2006

The other day I was eating dinner with my mom and she pulls out a tub of butter and sits it on the table. I looked at it and seen that it was “Smart Balance Light.”

Smart Balance is a new butter spread that was made healthy, so it’s better for you than real butter. Much like George W. Bush attempting to be President, my mom fails at attempting to be healthy. She thinks if she eats this crap she’ll live another 20 years.

After trying it out, I came to realize that it’s actually not that bad. The only problem I had with it was my body, noticing how it’s somewhat healthy, rejected it. For some reason my body accepts lard, and lard only.

It was during desert that my skin started pushing the Smart Balance out of itself. Suddenly I was buttered up and ready to be shucked.

After I cleaned myself up, I looked at the tub of Smart Balance Light that my mom had, and suddenly it hit me. This was “light.”

What the people at Smart Balance have done, is create a buttery spread that is more healthy to eat than regular butter. That’s fine and dandy. Be healthy. There are so many health nuts out there that making a health food is a wise career choice.

However, if you’re going to make a health food, don’t compromise your reputation before you get one.

I say this because these idiots at Smart Balance have come out with a LIGHT version of their HEALTHY butter spread. Suddenly their healthy butter spread doesn’t seem so healthy. Nevermind competition coming out with something healthier, they did it themselves.

Where’s the limit to how healthy you can make food? I thought rice cakes were already out there. A healthier version of a healthy food? Give me a fucking break. When you get healthier than healthy, you might as well stop eating all together.

I’ve always hated health nuts because I THOUGHT they used to take it too far. I now stand corrected.

The day a company comes out with a health product and decides it’s not healthy enough so they create a new, lighter version, is the day that all health freaks need to jump off of a cliff. Instead of hippies burning bra’s, let’s just burn hippies.

Hippies are the bastards of society that thought protesting the government and eating trail mix all the time was the way to go. Their only problem was, they smoked so much weed that they ate a ton of trail mix. They’re now not as healthy as they hoped they would be. So now they’re coming up with all kinds of crap to prolong their shitty, tree hugging lives. Rice cakes was the limit. Smart Balance LIGHT is where they flew past that limit.

Good proof that hippies create stupid shit for money, is the crackpot invention called an “Oxygen Bar.” AN OXYGEN BAR. A bar where you can go and buy oxygen. This came from a bunch of people that did way too many drugs in the 60’s and 70’s. Twenty years of hallucinogenic substance abuse will make you feel the need to purchase oxygen. Yeah, let’s open a bar selling something that everyone gets for free. Why don’t you just market and sell nothing. Oh wait…

Anyway, for a company to come up with a product and then realize it’s not healthy enough, and then to make a different product of the same stuff and call it “light” is just gorked.

Wouldn’t that be “New and Improved?” They made a healthy product, and then made it again only healthier. That’s like when parents have stupid kids and try again, only they make the next one stupider.

Instead of just replacing the old stuff with the new, they made it a separate product. Why is this? Because hippies like to make money. Whether it’s beads at a jam band festival, an Oxygen Bar, or butter, you’ll always find a hippie behind it. Guaranteed.

I hate healthy anything.

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