Editorial Archives: Slow It Down Assholes

After posting this I found out from Joe (Pork Sausage) that the second guy on the bike was drunk, but he was trying to stop his friend from driving as fast as he was. Apparently when he got on the bike with him, he didn’t realize they were going to be going as fast as they were. What he should have done was stop his drunk friend from driving in the first place, but whatever, the deed is done. Also, there’s no link now to the blog mentioned in the Editorial.

Slow It Down Assholes
June 4, 2008

A recent event has reinvigorated my need to write this editorial.

In this country, there is a law that says we can only drive a certain speed. This law is called a “speed limit”. That means if the speed limit is only 35 mph (Miles Per Hour) then you should only be driving 35 mph. Granted the police officers of this country can be nice and let us do a little over should they clock us at 36 or even 40 mph, but BY LAW they can give you a speeding ticket for doing 35 1/2 mph if they decided to. You can be pissed off about it, but it IS THE LAW. Unfortunately for all of us they don’t write enough tickets to people driving too slow.

This law is universal here in the United States. It doesn’t matter what back alley or main highway you’re driving on, there is a speed limit for all of it. Hell, there are even speed limits in parking lots depending on where you go.

With that said and out of the way, here is a description of the recent event that spawned this editorial.

The other night at around 1am in the white trash little suburb of Northbrook, OH, two friends got drunk and decided to take a joy ride down their little side street on their motorcycle. This motorcycle is, or rather was one of those “crotch rockets”. You know, those rice burning motorcycles that are the proverbial “penis extender” for all who purchase one. They can travel up to 3,000 mph because you know, that’s needed.

Well, these two drunk idiot friends decided that they were going to test how fast this crotch rocket could go. I’m sure they would’ve done this anyway, but a couple of days prior to this it is rumored that the two put on some sort of device that made the bike travel even faster. Yes, another “penis extension”.

On this night, the two drunken ass hats traveled down their side road at roughly 70 mph, a brisk 45 mph over the posted speed limit. When they reached the first intersection with another side road, an SUV who had been driving according to the law was making a turn onto the same street the motorcycle was traveling on. The drunken idiots blew through the stop sign and crashed into the side of the SUV. The force of the impact flipped the SUV over twice, landing on its side and on fire in someone’s front yard, while the motorcycle laid in the road on fire and the two drunken morons laid strewn about all over the place in pieces. The front yard this took place in belonged to none other than a Mr. Pork Sausage. His myspace blog about this situation can be found at the link I just provided. He goes into more detail than I want to here.

The two on the motorcycle died on impact and the SUV driver is in the hospital in critical condition. He may not survive.

Pork wants a four way stop put up at that intersection. Well, if these idiots blew through a stop sign at 70 mph, I doubt a four way stop would help the situation, although it may have prevented the SUV driver to continue on his turn before the collision took place. Even still, chances are very good that these douche bags of flaming shit would’ve probably gotten out to a main road or even the highway and really let the motorcycle unwind, causing an even bigger accident and possibly killing even more innocent people.

My point here is simply, why do we need vehicles that can drive faster than the fastest speed limit in the country? So far I’ve seen 70 mph on a highway in Tennessee. I’m not sure if any speed limit gets higher than that, but why should there be vehicles that can travel above 80 mph? My gas sucking SUV can go 100. Why would I ever need to go that fast in an SUV? Sports cars can hit 180 and in some cases over 200 mph. Is there a point to this?

The government has set standards for automobiles in this country. If the automobile doesn’t pass these standards OF SAFETY, they can’t be sold in this country. There are airbags all over the place now, popping out from in front of you, next to you, above you and even under your ass. It’s a law that we wear our seatbelts. It’s a law that we drive a certain speed. Yet it’s not a law or even a safety standard that vehicles only go a certain speed.

You might ask “but what about the governor?” Yes, on certain vehicles there is a device which regulates the speed you’re going and will keep you from reaching the max speed your vehicle can produce. This is the step that the government has taken to keep speed down to a minimum; a device that can easily be removed. If the government would mandate auto makers to keep the speed built in down, the governor wouldn’t be needed.

I once had a Dodge Neon and on the dash board it said I could go 120 mph. I tested this once and the governor cut my speed down at 100. Thank god I couldn’t reach 120 mph, I could’ve really caused some damage then.

Oh yeah, I was hill hopping with that same Neon once and at 90 mph I lost control of my car and hit a telephone pole, destroying both the pole and my car. Had I died, I would’ve deserved it because it was MY CHOICE to do that. I wasn’t even drunk then.

So why are we allowed to go that fast when the law says we can’t? Why is that law made by the same people that say there are safety standards that vehicles must accommodate before they’re allowed to be sold to the public, yet driving extremely too fast isn’t one of them?

It doesn’t make sense to me, but then again who am I, besides someone that doesn’t have his head up his ass?

I don’t care who it pisses off, but those two guys deserved what they got. Pork agreed with me the other day but now has a change of heart and says I’m wrong for saying that. Whatever. It was their decision to drive too fast on a vehicle that isn’t exactly made for safety. I do feel bad for everyone else involved including Pork and his family, the SUV driver, his family and friends and the family and friends of everyone else involved. But the two that did the deed? Fuck them, they got what was coming to them.

Maybe if the government actually made it impossible for vehicle makers to make vehicles that drive too fast with or without a governor, then maybe people like those two idiots wouldn’t have even had it in their heads that they were going to go out speeding around town.

I’ve driven drunk before and I probably will again. I’m not proud of that fact, but it happens. The difference here is, when I’m driving drunk, I do so accordingly. I don’t go out trying to get a ticket, or arrested, or wreck and kill myself and others. I drive more carefully than I normally do because I am intoxicated. I’m not saying it’s right to drive drunk. But if you’re going to drive drunk, don’t be a complete waste of flesh and get on a crotch rocket motorcycle and go 70 mph down a suburb street.

I hate dumbasses that ruin things for the rest of us.