Editorial Archives: What Halloween Means To Me

What Halloween Means To Me
Oct. 18, 2004

There’s a little comic strip that tells about the story of Halloween and then tries to get you to turn religious and tell the devil to fuck off and then you won’t get to dress up in a costume and get candy. That’s fucked up. Dressing up and getting free candy from a bunch of people that you don’t know is how we’re supposed to do things.

Before I go any further, here’s the article. Click here.

Can you believe that shit? I’m not calling the story of Halloween shit because I’ve read up on it, and that’s pretty accurate. I’m talking about the shit about how the one little girl listens to her drunken, dillusional grandfather tell her how Halloween isn’t good and Jesus rocks just because he’s a grumpy old asshole who can’t get it up any more even with viagra. Not Jesus, the Grandfather.

She then tells her little friend who buys into all that shit and prays to cleanse her soul and then they hold hands and dance around. So what does that mean? They’re lesbians. God hates lesbians.

I don’t hate lesbians, or the gay community in general. But God does. I think we should all hate God. Well, maybe not God, but Jesus. Does this qualify me to go to hell? I hope so. They have fun there, they allow you to dress up in a costume and get free candy.

Did you see the sarcasm there? Probably not, but that’s ok, I’ll explain since you probably had a problem following the comic strip about Halloween.

What Halloween was and is in some places now sucks, but that’s how it goes. They only told you one tiny part of Halloween. You know what they do in other countries? They celebrate the evil spirits. They have a good time to get rid of the evil spirits because the evil spirits are not happy with you being happy and rejoicing. So they fill up baskets and shit with candy and sweets and they all get drunk and have lots of sex and have a great time.

Now I’m not saying you should get drunk or have sex if you’re not of age, but what the hell, it’s only one day. Have fun!

My point is this. Go out and have a good fucking time. It doesn’t matter if you dress up like a witch or Superman or Bill Gates or whatever. Just have fun kids. That’s what it’s all about. You don’t have to worry about Jesus hating you for doing it, because chances are good that he hates you anyway.

And I’m not using an upper case H when I say he referring to Jesus. Neither him or God are that fucking great that they deserve their own giant H. That’s bullshit. You know who else is great? Bob Barker. Does he get a giant H when talked about? Obviously not, but he should. Nevermind that he’s about as old as God… but he’s still great.

Now let’s talk about costumes. What are you going out as this year? I know I’m going out as a giant outhouse. That’s right, a giant redneck bathroom is what I’m going out as. Isn’t that great?

You know what other costumes are going to be hot this year? How about the “dead Superman” costume. That’s extra special. It sports a great giant red cape, blue suit, red boots, and a neck brace, along with all of the paint needed to get that “extra dead” look.

Also hot this year is the “Passion of the Christ” costume, so you can look like your favorite crucified savior. Sporting a wonderful toga, thorny crown, and giant wooden cross, you’re sure to be the “blessed” dressed at the party! Don’t forget to forgive everyone when they give you free shit.

Making it’s way to the top of the list this year though is the Devil himself! This package includes two great red horns, a pitch fork, a long red tail, and a shitload of red paint! You can look like the guy who created this fantastic holiday just for you! And who says the Devil is bad?

Since he gave this holiday to you, show your love! Get your Devil costume today and look just like the man that loves you enough to let you enjoy candy! Did you also know that God hates the Devil? That’s right. So does Jesus. They hate the Devil, and he just wants you to go out and eat candy and make a lot of new friends that you would have never made normally. That’s right kids, by going house to house and getting free candy from all kinds of people, you’re not just getting free candy, you’re meeting people and making friends that you normally wouldn’t have met. Jesus and God look down on this. They don’t want you to meet new people and make new friends.

I want you to be safe on Halloween, so have an adult or older person go with you when you go from house to house. Also be standing by later that night when the older people decide to celebrate their own way. They may need you to call 911 for them after they’ve drank too much peppermint schnapps and gone thru all of your candy.

I also want you to have fun, which obviously Jesus and God don’t want you to do. Having fun doesn’t mean going to Hell. They’ll say that even though you’re having fun, you’re still celebrating something that used to be horrible. Don’t buy into it, go out and have fun. Telling you that it’s bad to have fun because of something that used be horrible would be like telling you not to watch the Superman movies because Christopher Reeve died, or not to ride horses because one inevitably killed him. It would be like telling you not to enjoy sex because STD’s kill so many people every year. Or not to be happy that you got your license and a new car because so many people die in car wrecks every year. Fuck all that, go have fun.

And to clear some things up. This Editorial section is for entertainment purposes only. If you get offended by anything said here, then you’re just a stupid fuck who shouldn’t be reading it anyway.

I hate religious people and all they stand for.

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