Editorial Archives: I’m With The Environmentalists

I’m With The Environmentalists
July 16, 2006

That’s right, I said it. I’m with them. We need to save the earth. However, I have a different opinion on how to do it than they do. So technically I’m with them, but they’re not with me. Bastard environmentalists.

What got me thinking about it was when I got a free issue of E/The Environmental Magazine. It was then that I first realized how ironically stupid it is for an environmental magazine to be published. Aren’t magazines made out of trees?

What I keep reading about is how the ice caps are going to melt and the coast lines will be in danger in something like 100 years, or some such time frame when the current population on earth will not be around. I then read about all of these ways we can help stop it, or at least slow down the process; you know, so that by the time it does happen our kids’ kids won’t even be around to see it happen.

“How does this affect us?” you might be asking. The answer is short and simple. It doesn’t.

What environmentalists think is basically what only they think. The reason the population of environmentalists is nowhere close to the total population of earth isn’t an accident. Most people know environmentalists are full of shit. But we let them have their fun because if they didn’t have this hobby and bullshit dream of saving the planet, then they’d probably be writing songs or hugging more trees and then they’d just get in the way of the bulldozers that are trying to take the trees down so they can make paper for all of the environmental magazines that are printed.

Speaking of musicians trying to save the world, here’s a little tidbit I found in the new E Magazine.

“Canadian singer-songwriter Bruce Cockburn’s 29th album, Life Short Call Now (Rounder) is being released this month and it continues to showcase his unique position as a sometimes-angry analyst of the world scene who nevertheless manages to present his near-photographic songs wrapped in such neat, melodic packages that even pop radio occasionally pays attention.”

That’s fantastic. 29 albums you say? Looks like he’s doing a bang up job on spreading the word. Too bad nobody but hippies and environmentalists have heard of him.

Back to the ice caps. I have the ultimate solution to not only that problem, but many others as well with one simple answer.

Let’s kill half of the population of earth. I know that sounds a little sick to some of you, but hear me out.

The reason I go this way with it is, have you ever been in a room with a ton of people, like a club or a concentration camp or something, and realize that it shouldn’t be as hot as it is in that room? Of course you have. The reason for that is, the human body produces something called “body heat.” The more people there are in an enclosed space, the warmer that space is going to get. Especially after a long period of time. Even if the people aren’t moving around a lot.

Now think about this. This earth is completely surrounded by a little something called the “ozone layer.” Well, not completely surrounded anymore, but you get the idea. This “ozone layer” traps in all of the crap that we let out into the air. Sources say this pollution has caused several holes in the “ozone layer,” or the O.L. as I like to call it, and the O.L. got sick of holding all of this in. Like a balloon with too much air in it, the O.L. had to find a way to get rid of some of it before it burst. So it created a few holes to release some of this crap we’re putting into the air. Namely, body heat.

There are billions of people on earth, and almost all of them are moving around all the time, making more and more body heat. This body heat is doing nothing but building up, warming our earth, which inevitably is causing the ice caps to melt.

Now do you see where I’m going with this?

Nevermind that, but everyone’s breathing all the time. That of course causes more heat in the atmosphere. But I think the body is most of the problem, so we’ll just stick with it as the culprit.

One thing comes to mind that deals a great amount with both of those things. And that is, the sport of soccer, or football if you’re a foreigner.

The worst part about soccer besides what it is, is the fact that it’s the biggest sport in the world. So more people play that than any other sport, all over the earth. That’s got to be killing the O.L. all on it’s own. That’s why it’s the first thing on the list a little further in this Editorial. You’ll see what I mean.

Back to my plan of killing half the population of earth. I’m even being generous enough to say only half the population should die. See, even I have a soft spot.

When we do this, it’ll have several causes. The first of course is the ice caps will slowly stop melting. That’s because the heat in the atmosphere will drop by an estimated 5 degrees celsius. That’s a phenominal conclusion, and also one I figured out on my own.

Now that we’ve saved the world, we’ve also done something else really cool. We’ve also opened up jobs all over the place, as well as housing and jail space.

Before you get all bitchy about killing half the population of earth, I’ve already thought of that. To keep everyone basically happy with what’s going on, here’s a list of the people in line to die from first in line to last. The further down you are on the list, the better your chances of not dying for this cause.

Soccer players.
The homeless.
The unemployed.
Prisoners on all levels.
Anyone with HIV or AIDS.
Anyone from the middle east.
Anyone over the age of 60.
Anyone under the age of 5.
Anyone between the ages of 6 and 59.

If you don’t fit in one of these catagories, you’re probably safe. Even if you fit in the last one, that’s ok. By the time we get to that point the chances of you getting killed then is slim to nil. And slim was a soccer player.

The great news is, not only will we be saving the earth, but we’ll also be opening up the jobs and prisons as I said earlier, plus we’re only doing this once. It should be enough of a change that the environmentalists will be happy. Well, they would be happy if they weren’t killed while trying to save the earth.

But on top of all that, we’ll have to repopulate the earth, right? So that means more sex for all of us. And that’s never a bad thing.

Take my advice people. If we killed off half the population of earth, we might just have a chance at saving the earth.

OR we could spend our time trying to fix disease and famine since those actually affect us now instead of our future that we’ll never see.

Wow, that last sentence made a lot of sense. Hmmm…

I still hate how nobody listens to my awesome solutions to the world’s problems.

One response to “Editorial Archives: I’m With The Environmentalists

  1. Reblogged this on Beefy's House o' Fun and commented:

    Not only is Bill Burr one of the funniest people on earth right now, he also knows the way to my heart. By killing almost everybody. I’ve been saying it for years and now he’s taking his celebrity status to broadcast the message to the masses more than I can. Thanks Bill, you’re a true stand-up guy. And I’m not just saying that because you’re a stand-up who happens to be a guy.

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