I mentioned in my last blog that people who use LED headlights are assholes. While I was out today I came across a couple others who are very much just the same, but for different things.

Today I was out and noticed a guy, middle aged, who was wearing sandals, khaki shorts, a type of sports jersey shirt and sunglasses. He was in a place of business, so he had his glasses off, but positioned on his brow. All of that was great. But, he had a strap on his sun glasses that hung down around the back of his neck. That made him an asshole. Also, we were in Chipotle. Most of the people who eat there are assholes because most of the people who eat there are yuppies who only eat there to fit into the standards of living that life style.

For many years, people who used these straps to keep their glasses near their face even when they weren’t wearing them were typically looked at as “nerds”. So recently, within the last decade or so, some asshole decided to sport the strap up a little bit and now they’re in fashion. You’ll typically see these around the necks of the yuppie bastards who are trying to still look like a regular guy, which means they’re probably fans of golf. These straps are also holding very expensive sun glasses around their necks. I’ve purchased very good sun glasses at a gas station for $4 before and they did the job just fine. There’s no need to spend any more than $15 for a good pair of sun glasses. The fact that some brands of sun glasses are selling in the hundreds of dollars makes no fucking sense to me, except that one rich asshole yuppie has found a way to make money off of other rich yuppie assholes. Good for him.

Golf fans are almost always yuppies who dress “nice” but “daring”. These are the assholes who wear jeans that were made to look worn, while wearing some sort of polo shirt and sandals. They will, of course, top it off with expensive sun glasses that have that $20 strap they bought at Dick’s.

Oh yeah, anybody who shops at Dick’s is an asshole. Go to the store sometime and look around. What you’ll find there is a conundrum. Because only there, will you see assholes IN Dick’s. These are the exact same fuckers who shop at Bass Pro Shops Outdoor World. They have to be seen in these places by their brethren to hold up their social status. You’ll never find these assholes shopping for the exact same stuff at a Wal-mart or god forbid a K-mart. Because the people they are trying to replicate without actually doing the hard time shop at those stores.

Yuppies are all assholes. These fucks shop at Dick’s, play and watch golf, follow NASCAR, wear khaki’s all year long unless they’re “dressing up” by “dressing down”, where once again they’ll put on pre-faded or ripped jeans with sandals and a polo, and they typically hunt. They do these types of things because they’re trying to show the rest of the world that they are still “man” even though they completely believe they are better than everyone else because they’re rich and, yuppies.

Assholes drink Miller Lite. They don’t do it because it tastes good, because it doesn’t. They don’t drink it because it’s cheap, because it’s not. They drink it because other yuppies drink it and it’s the official drink of everything yuppie, like golf and NASCAR. Miller Lite should be the same price as Keystone Light, because it’s the same watered down swill only in a different can. They charge more because they have to, because they advertise during NASCAR events and they know yuppies drink the shit and yuppies have money. Oh, for what it’s worth, Keystone Light tastes better.

Never mind the fact that Keystone Light is still a watered down swill of a beer just like any of the top beers. Budweiser (the all American beer owned by Germans), Coor’s (which I am a fan of) and Miller are all shit beer. But us Americans drink them because for one, they’re relatively cheap when compared to the beers that are actually good and two, because American’s as a whole don’t drink beer because it’s something they like, rather, it tells others what group you’re in.

If you wanted to be labeled as a NASCAR loving douche who enjoys wearing sandals with pants, you drink Miller. If you want to be the all American who loves his country to the death and can only talk of guns and hunting and guns, you drink Bud.

I’m not sure the class of people who drink Coor’s, but I like them because I drink it. If I had the money though, I’d always go for an amber beer. Because unlike the rest of the fuckers in America, I drink beer because I LIKE BEER. I like the way it tastes. These bastards are only drinking the shit for their social standings.

And this brings me to my next point. People who only drink different beers, usually the micro-brew stuff, are also assholes because they think they’re better than everyone else because they drink micro-brew beers. These are typically the artsy fucks (who are also assholes) and are a bit yuppie by nature. Because they’ll pay top dollar for everything, just to be different. And by being different, they’re just like everybody else who is just like them.

Artsy fucks, as said, are assholes. You can point these idiots out by the way they dress as well. Sometimes it’s hard to tell an artsy asshole from a yuppie asshole, even though most of the time they are one in the same. There is one way to tell. While they will also wear the pre-faded/ripped jeans that they paid $50 or more for to look like they’ve had them for years when they just purchased them from Sears the day before, and they’ll wear sandals with them and most of the time a polo shirt, the artsy fucks also tend to not shave all the time so that they look rugged, and they’ll also have messed up hair. Don’t let these assholes fool you, their hair isn’t naturally messy. They actually spend more time fucking with their hair to make it look not done up than people who take time to do their hair up.

These are also the dumb bastards who will wear a long sleeve shirt, typically a sweater, sometimes it’s inside out to make them look extra messy, while a t-shirt underneath pokes out here and there to also give that look, while wearing shorts and sandals. This is the in style way of looking like you just threw on some random clothes that were laying around because they don’t give a shit how they look that day, when in reality, it’s one of their main outfits.

Basically, anybody who wears sandals with pants, is an asshole. They probably also like to wear their cell phones in a leather pouch on their belts, tuck their shirts in all the time and sometimes they even have their keys on a clasp to keep them hanging at their side all the time. They do this so they can hear themselves walking around.

Another breed of asshole is the alpha male asshole. These fuckers are also lined up in the artsy/yuppie category, but they think they’re not just better than everyone else, they are also god’s gift to women. These fuckers will have a hard time saying anybody else is funny or better than they are and they’ll get super fucking pissed if you jokingly mention that they might be gay. The real reason for this is, most of them ARE gay and they are very self conscious about themselves. So they have to be the best at everything, all the time. And they are in one respect; they are the number one asshole.

Finally, for now, the last type of person who is an asshole through and through, are new country music listeners. I’m not talking about “new” as in they just started listening to country music, although most of them are probably very new fans to the music, but “new” as in they only listen to the newer country music coming out. They claim to be SOOOO country, but ask them to name a Merle Haggard or a Bobby Bare song. They’ll be quick to name every song off of Johnny Cash’s Greatest Hits, but don’t let that fool you. They’re only fans of Johnny Cash because their status as a new country music fan says that they have to know at least one old school artist just a little bit so that they can say they are the biggest fan of them or they love them.

New country music sucks in the way that new rock sucks. They’re both in it for the money. There’s no soul or love in the music of today, but there are a shitload of fans for both of them, and once again it’s all because of the social status it brings. New country is trying to sound like 80’s rock while holding onto the modern day way of making music. It’s all about coming up with a catchy tag line and singing it over and over. Just look at the hits and you’ll see what I mean. What the fuck is a “badonkadonk”? I’ll tell you what it is. It’s a new country way of trying to make up their own “baby got back”. These new artists are all singing about how great it is to be country by singing about partying all the time and how hot the women country fans are. That is why today’s fans are flocking to it, because it’s a giant party all the time. Nobody listens to music because it’s good music anymore. Old country had something to say and typically had someone to say it to. New country is lost in the bank where the cash is. Come up with a catchy line and you’re rich.

“She thinks my tractor’s sexy.” Give me a fucking break. Kenny Chesney wouldn’t be caught dead driving a tractor now. He’s too rich and he can afford a Mexican to drive his tractor for him. “It’s five o’clock somewhere.” Shut the fuck up. If it’s 4:30, it’s not 5 o’clock anywhere. And those asshole-supremes Big And Rich… need I say more?

Essentially, what you’re looking at with the fans of new country music, are yuppies and artsy fucks (although most artsy fucks will only listen to the best of the best mainstream independent artists). They’ll be quick to shout that they’re so redneck or hillbilly, but you won’t find their polo shirt pre-faded/ripped jeans wearing asses talking to REAL rednecks or hillbillies. You won’t catch any new country fan who fits all of the qualifications above living in a trailer anywhere. You will catch them wearing expensive cowboy hats and boots with big belt buckles, but that night they’ll drive their gigantic brand new pickup truck home to their $300,000 home on the nice side of town. They look down on those REAL rednecks and hillbillies because those folks aren’t as good as they are, even though they have so much in common. They all love Miller and NASCAR and hunting and they’re all assholes.

Oh yeah, one more thing before I forget. Anybody who claims to be an asshole like it’s some sort of badge of honor, is really just a douche who has no other decent qualifications other than being able to say that. These are also typically the same artsy/yuppie fucks, but they’re just a tad bit more edgy than the rest. These are the ones who will actually act like a dick in public or at social gatherings, only to get people to laugh. They get a hard on for putting people who are lesser than they are down. The female equivalent to these douche bags of fury are those girls who claim to be bitches.

Listen, to be an asshole or a bitch IS NOT A GOOD THING. In real life, the one that we all live in no matter where your self esteem and ego are, assholes and bitches are bad people that nobody likes. A real asshole is someone who is called one by others for their asshole-ish actions. The same goes for real bitches. Anybody who stamps those labels on themselves aren’t those labels, they’re just regular old douches. Trust me, I’ve met enough of both to know the difference.

My wife and someone else called me the same thing within a week recently and it kind of caught me off guard. They both called me a “cynical asshole who hates everything and everyone.” While it’s true that I am cynical and I do hate everything and everyone, in all honesty it really hurts to be called an asshole. Because I don’t feel that I am one, but I know I must be one because people over the years have called me one. I can accept it. But you will absolutely never hear me refer to myself as one. Because only douches do that.

Just for reference, here is an example.

“My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole.”


4 responses to “Asshole-amio

  1. Should I ask?

  2. I’m not sure what I read here. It’s like you took a bunch of random thoughts, dumped them into a cauldron, stirred them up, and then poured them into this blog.

    It felt like the literary equivalent of channel surfing.

  3. Ah.

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