Editorial Archives: It Makes Me Wonder

It Makes Me Wonder
March 27, 2007

I see things all the time that make me wonder. Naturally I see things that make no sense to me, and then I bitch about them here. But sometimes I see things that sort of make sense, but they still make me wonder.

Recently I was in Florida, and on the way back I noticed a couple of things that were just odd. For instance, did you know in Tennessee/Kentucky there’s a wooded area called Daniel Boone National Forest? As I was driving back from Florida, I passed a few signs telling me I was in this forest, and on these signs they had the slogan of this national forest, which is “Land of many uses.”

I looked around and all I could see was the road I was on and trees. So naturally I started to question the slogan. If the land has many uses, why aren’t any of them being practiced? If the many uses only includes a road and a shit load of trees, then “many” isn’t the word they should’ve used. How do they know if there are many uses for the land if they only put a road through the forest?

I don’t understand shit like this. And the main point of this Editorial is to talk about one in particular that I don’t understand at all.

What you see there is a Kraft Mayonnaise label. What it says on it is what confuses me. And it’s not just with Kraft either; every mayonnaise label I’ve seen has the same thing on it.

REAL MAYONNAISE

Why do they need to tell me it’s real? I know it’s real, I have it in my fridge. I put it on my sandwiches. I know it’s real.

What makes it real? Is it grown somewhere? Is the white semi-liquid substance I put on my burgers the insides of some plant from the foothills of Mayonnaisia? I don’t quite understand this. What makes this more real than everything else that is real? I mean, why is it so special that it has to have on the label a defining “REAL” to let us all know that it’s real? Are there skeptics? What about everything else that is real? Why doesn’t everything else have label’s telling us it’s all real?

And because the mayo is real, does that mean there are fake mayonnaise’s out there? And what would constitute a fake mayonnaise? One that is made in a factory?

Well, after doing some in depth investigative research, I came across something rather interesting.

may·on·naise – n. – A dressing made of beaten raw egg yolk, oil, lemon juice or vinegar, and seasonings.

Holy shit… it IS made by humans! Mayonnaise isn’t from some third world country who’s only export is a tasty biproduct of one of their plants… no, it’s actually mixed together by people in kitchens and in factories, and packaged and sold all over the world. Mayonnaise is only as real as everything else that’s real! I guess that means putting “REAL” on the label is just a marketing ploy that for all of these years has fooled everyone.

Well not anymore Kraft! We’re savvy to your ruse! No longer can you trick us with your deceit!

Dumbasses.

I hate fake mayo.

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